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Manhood
a year ago
I'm a man I identify as male but I don't always feel "manly" I mean I don't believe in that big strong alpha man crap but there are things that confuse me or conflict with what society says a man should be
And although I don't go along with all the societal norms
Some things I just can't shake
Im not the strongest I'm not weak either but I am scared and having a woman around a friend or family member with me helps my anxiety I tend to stay with them if we go out and I tend to open up easier to women I just feel safer with women but there is that part that feels like I'm backwards like I'm pathetic for feeling that way and as a "man" I should make them feel safe
I feel like I need to be taking care of like I can't do much and I want a woman to take care of me which makes me feel selfish and a burden like I just want to take advantage of them but I know I don't I really can't do much I need help
Even my body seems a bit off
I like comfort soft and cuddly I like smelling nice and feeling cute and clean I love that feeling of snuggling with a stuffed animal in bed after a shower all warm and soft if I could loose weight I would love to but I would like to have it mostly move so I have a nice soft butt and hips and thighs I mean most "men" would want a bigger penis I don't want a bigger one I like mine I like that it's smaller and I don't want it to be any bigger it makes me feel cute part of me is actually afraid that if I loose weight it will get bigger
I know a lot of times a penis is seen as a sign of power or manliness and some men talk about it like it's a third leg big and strong like a symbol of power
But mine doesn't mine feels vulnerable small and soft
Something special
I like pretty things nice smells and cute dresses and
Plushies I like purple and pink I want to feel pretty and cute I want a woman to hold me and make me feel safe and not afraid
I know I'm a man I like being a man but I don't like having to be all the other things I'm "supposed" to be because I identify as male
I can't work and I need help there's no way around that I feel like a kid or teenager sometimes not like an adult
Just a big kid faking his way through being a adult male
Physically sure my body makes noise when I get up but mentally I feel like a scared child who needs to be held
I hope that all made some sense
I'm still learning about myself
And although I don't go along with all the societal norms
Some things I just can't shake
Im not the strongest I'm not weak either but I am scared and having a woman around a friend or family member with me helps my anxiety I tend to stay with them if we go out and I tend to open up easier to women I just feel safer with women but there is that part that feels like I'm backwards like I'm pathetic for feeling that way and as a "man" I should make them feel safe
I feel like I need to be taking care of like I can't do much and I want a woman to take care of me which makes me feel selfish and a burden like I just want to take advantage of them but I know I don't I really can't do much I need help
Even my body seems a bit off
I like comfort soft and cuddly I like smelling nice and feeling cute and clean I love that feeling of snuggling with a stuffed animal in bed after a shower all warm and soft if I could loose weight I would love to but I would like to have it mostly move so I have a nice soft butt and hips and thighs I mean most "men" would want a bigger penis I don't want a bigger one I like mine I like that it's smaller and I don't want it to be any bigger it makes me feel cute part of me is actually afraid that if I loose weight it will get bigger
I know a lot of times a penis is seen as a sign of power or manliness and some men talk about it like it's a third leg big and strong like a symbol of power
But mine doesn't mine feels vulnerable small and soft
Something special
I like pretty things nice smells and cute dresses and
Plushies I like purple and pink I want to feel pretty and cute I want a woman to hold me and make me feel safe and not afraid
I know I'm a man I like being a man but I don't like having to be all the other things I'm "supposed" to be because I identify as male
I can't work and I need help there's no way around that I feel like a kid or teenager sometimes not like an adult
Just a big kid faking his way through being a adult male
Physically sure my body makes noise when I get up but mentally I feel like a scared child who needs to be held
I hope that all made some sense
I'm still learning about myself
Most males are taught to hide their emotions and be stones but guess what? Those are the same people who snap and do stupid shit.
Honestly CR I can't say one way or another how you should feel or handle things but for what it's worth talking about it is good and we've established in past conversations the growth you've had.
Not gonna air out any laundry here but keep doing what you are doing man. And you know how to contact me if you need to.
Maybe you are some form of genderfluidity/nonbinary?
Or... Just a (by society seen as) feminine man, which is also perfectly fine!
To me, though, it sounds like you might want to try exploring your gender-identity a bit, which in my opinion is a healthy part of one's personal development.
Either way, best of luck!
Gender is something I've never been able to explore before just wasn't a thing where and when I grew up
I've learned a lot about myself in the past couple years and
Im still learning more things about myself
You're still a man, if that's what you want to be / identify as. There's absolutely nothing wrong with loving 'girly' things, enjoying having a small penis, or having feminine curves. If that's how you want to represent yourself, by all means be you! <3
We're all uniquely made in body, mind, and spirit. And as humans, we should celebrate our differences and embrace what makes us special.
I think journals like these are important. It sometimes helps to get your feelings out on (digital) paper. It can help you make sense of yourself or the world around you.
Know that you are loved, supported, and cared for!