I really don't want to make these and come off as another "oh pity me, the lazy wannabe creative" but I might as well get it off my chest. After all, better to let it out than to keep it and boil over into something even more mentally taxing. Don't have to keep reading if your first thought is "OH BOY, another sob story", don't blame you at all. So yeah, half a year and finding the mood has been (for a lack of a better description) lazily non-existent. Mostly from looking for some form of income to help support the endeavour and hearing back from an internship program that had left me in the dark since applying last December to getting back to me just a week or two ago.

Even that was panic-inducing as right when I get the mood to have a go at art, I get an email saying the program had failed to find anything for me while at the same time there was a placement offered but only had two days to respond. So you can imagine the panic of not knowing if it was still valid, having to ask the program, wait until they respond and then register interest. (Turned out it was valid and the "failed to find anything" email was sent to me by mistake.)

So for the next three months or so, after I get the paperwork sorted, that's something to help keep me afloat while I try and get back into the creative routine in the spare time in between. I just worry because I left it so long, I'm going to be complete garbage at it and few people would give it a look/support because of how long ago since I've had a stab at it. Believe me, I want to stop dragging myself down to the point of making these posts. Maybe I just need to find some way to motivate me otherwise, I have always found myself in a creative mood when I streamed myself having a go at art. Perhaps I should just one day boot up Twitch or Pictaro and just bloody do it.

It's not just derg art I have been neglecting too though, I call myself a game dev but what have I admittedly done outside of college/uni work. Got the ideas but just the drive and motivation that needs fixing, which isn't helped that while I'd love to be a one-man show. My problem is also the fact I'm a one-man show and don't really know a lot of people to trust in sharing my ideas with. I'm not saying I don't work well with other people; on the contrary, I usually have some difficulty at first but after a while of getting to know and working with other people I feel more comfortable working in a team. I just wish I knew more people who love the Unreal Engine as much as I do, especially with the usage of Blueprints.

Doesn't also help I was hit with a real slap in the face with what was one of my ideas appearing on Steam shortly after graduating from a masters degree that stretched me thin 'cause of the pandemic. In which seeing that killed my mood severely for a while because of immense hatred, that I still have to this day. Having to avoid the game completely for my mental health. Only recently I've been regaining the mood for game dev after realising that game is that much of a one-trick pony, as in you just need to take one good look and you've experienced everything it has to offer without even playing it once, plus spite-driven motivation can be powerful thing meaning I can still make it better. Though maybe I'll do one of my other ideas first, after all I still have some resentment that poisons the idea enough to still bring the mood down.