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Smutty, Dirty Minds!
a year ago
Howdy folks! It's me, Jaydii Dingo, Myehkobold. And I'd like to share some more thorough thoughts with you, because as I'm becoming incredibly aware of my mental health, and the possible tremendous lack of it I've become a lot more mindful of my desire to articulate my experiences online as a kink artist and as a troubled person, in the hopes that others may find it helpful and resonant, if not at least interesting. There's also a few things I'd like to ask. This has been my preamble. Myehkobold~.
Please do not pity me for anything I share here. I do this with joyous and curious intent.
Genuinely, I've got smut on the mind. Because, asexuality ignored, I'm a kinkomancer through and through and I learned how to twist and tease kinky concepts in my ritualistic practice of the craft. So I've got a question I'd like to ask!
"How do you see and feel about your relationship with porn/kinks and the artists who participate in them?"
To answer it myself: I've personally come to view kinks and sexuality as inescapably tremendous and positive aspects of exploring the self, and as a curiously powerful force within the creative realm. They move through people and some folks just get whisked away into the sky by these ideas and relationships and it's always magical; sometimes it's a bad nightmare time, or meaningless fun, and others it's a weirdly beautiful experience, but these forces change people when they're brought together by them I think. And there's alot to appreciate and take caution of in that, I believe. My life has been radically changed multiple times by my time playing with these concepts and imagery, and I can't help but love them for their role in our experiences, even for all the discomfort and sadness it's played a part in through my life.
...I'm a proud kinkomancer...But not as proud as I once was looking back on my kinky smut?
A few years ago I started clinging to a concept I'd organized for myself, to help regulate my spiraling, deteriorating emotional state. And that concept was: I stole all of my porn back from the world and withdrew my personal involvement in sharing it publicly, and I'm genuinely happier and better for it. And that was thankfully very true for myself and exactly what I'd needed at that time. (Thank you everyone who stuck around through all the times I stole stuff back <3 I'm such a dimmer.)
My personal journey through my sexuality is intrinsically linked with the art I've drawn across all of my life, and the things I put in my art are the genuine concepts that inhabit my soul and integrate into my sense of self. In the past being unaware of the nature of how I processed ideas through my art lead to extreme and unusual levels of stress and confusion when playing with sexual concepts; especially with others.
This was made even more difficult and awkward of a personal process when weighed against the boiling and growing joys, heat, and pressure of receiving even greater attention and money. Thrill and elation drove me onward while I was unaware I was too anxious and uncertain to give myself direction; so I span out and spiraled each time I hit a bump, hurting others, and myself.
Incredible personal naivety had me crashing in a direction I apparently didn't even care to look forward to, because my focus on positive responses/attention I was receiving, and my focus on reproducing and/or escalating kinky/cheap thrills blinded me to my sensibilities. I stomped all over how I was feeling(and the feelings of others). I ignored how I felt about what I was doing by focusing on exploiting pornography as a tool, both socially and physiologically. Ultimately that lead to a mental crack and a skewed, distorted relationship with smut and a warped perspective towards it as an artist, not to mention the strain and ruin on relationships it helped play a role in because of my obsessive, misguided use of it.
Eventually I'd reached a point where sexual themes and kink themes dominated nearly all of my art and relationships and then there was absolutely no escaping the unhappiness I'd clearly gone out of my way to create for myself. I'd ignored how much I didn't want the things I was working for so so so much longer than I care to share...
And then I took extreme measures to steal my art away again, only not because I was in the middle of a raging and sad panic attack, but because I'd been drowning in myself for years, being an awkward pain all around to others and then very slowly taking it out on myself, like sitting under a very slow piston and trying to make sure all my friends who stuck around me got squashed by it with me. Really stupid behaviour, emotionally.
After deleting my gallery AGAIN I began to restructure points and facets in my life, reprioritizing things that were tangibly meaningful to my mind. I clung to the people whom I couldn't convince myself of their lack of care for me, whose interactions with me spread beyond sexual impulse, kink themes, and blush inducing banter.
Years later, I can say through tears of joy that I'm surrounded by some of the best friends I couldn't have imagined having, with so many playful pals and amazing artists in my life, all of whom I've been able to establish interactions with outside of my old obsessive kink patterns. And through that time restructuring myself and then slowly re-exploring myself I was able to discover that I'm a handful of things I'd never expected to identify as.
Being surrounded by a multitude of people whose interests and perspectives varied wildly, but who I could also still be a friendly little furry with, enabled me to see past my obsessions and discover the corners, colours and facets of my soul, and standing where I am today it's as amusing as it is beautifully sad to understand how easily my weaknesses got in the way of those discoveries...and a melancholic confidence to know that with my mindfulness of it now, that weakness will be easier to manage going forward.
I'm a non-binary, man/stoat-loving demisexual ace. Happy pride month, I think!
(and I'm autistic, but I've known that for a decade and hid it in my shame)
Becoming mindful and aware of the nature of myself and being able to articulate the patterns of my desires and impulses...being able to map and understand the way I behave and then name it genuinely made a significant difference in improving the way I explore my understanding of myself. It made me more aware of the ways I love, the ways I hurt myself and others, and the ways I see and build connections with ideas and people. Being aware of this certainly made more deeply aware of the reasons how and why I would previously get so anxiously uncomfortable around sexual concepts and kinks when with people sometimes.
And on a silly note, I genuinely think it made me more artistically inspired/driven. Articulating the experience was like...building a road to the idea. Thoughts travel easier and more swiftly to and away from that concept/emotion/experience.
Being aware of myself, and being surrounded by a wider group of friends grew around me the social structures and boundaries around sexual concepts and feelings that I was missing and couldn't create on my own, and now that I am going forward in life with these blessed people and healthy structures around myself and my art...
I find myself having a genuinely smutty mind again. My extraordinarily strict boundaries are relaxing slightly, and there's a sincere impulse to share more smut again...
But I genuinely don't want to be known for it. And I don't think I'll be posting it here! I don't want to hide my porn, I'm not ashamed of it, except for like 2 or 3 specific pieces. I just genuinely could not handle the emotional and mental strain of what I was doing with it during the time of my life where I was obsessed with it. But I'd like to look back on it with indulgence, now that I feel as though I've grown enough to handle it.
Because I'm proud of my weirdness, and proud of sticking to art despite how poorly I handled it at times. Art means the world to me, and kinks and sexuality aren't any less a part of the human impulse and soul. And I now believe I understand better just how powerfully these forces move others now, from my aloof, disjointed asexual and autistic balcony. They are a joy I used to delight in delivering to others, and they are a joy I'm tempted to titillate toons with again now that I'm equipped with better mental tools and boundaries, and especially now that I know how to healthily rely on good friends.
But again, I won't be posting porn here anymore. I'll be posting it to my old, second FA account,
Idun.
Damn...And I just beat my watcher count there, too. I'm not going to re-upload everything, only the stuff that I think is really good or that I like, or haven't shared. If you commissioned me in the past and would like to see your commission uploaded there, please contact me. I might've forgotten your commission exists because I lost it.
This separation should be good and fun for everyone! So remember, if you see toony porn that looks like my art...
I done didn't do it. Idun did it.
Please do not pity me for anything I share here. I do this with joyous and curious intent.
Genuinely, I've got smut on the mind. Because, asexuality ignored, I'm a kinkomancer through and through and I learned how to twist and tease kinky concepts in my ritualistic practice of the craft. So I've got a question I'd like to ask!
"How do you see and feel about your relationship with porn/kinks and the artists who participate in them?"
To answer it myself: I've personally come to view kinks and sexuality as inescapably tremendous and positive aspects of exploring the self, and as a curiously powerful force within the creative realm. They move through people and some folks just get whisked away into the sky by these ideas and relationships and it's always magical; sometimes it's a bad nightmare time, or meaningless fun, and others it's a weirdly beautiful experience, but these forces change people when they're brought together by them I think. And there's alot to appreciate and take caution of in that, I believe. My life has been radically changed multiple times by my time playing with these concepts and imagery, and I can't help but love them for their role in our experiences, even for all the discomfort and sadness it's played a part in through my life.
...I'm a proud kinkomancer...But not as proud as I once was looking back on my kinky smut?
A few years ago I started clinging to a concept I'd organized for myself, to help regulate my spiraling, deteriorating emotional state. And that concept was: I stole all of my porn back from the world and withdrew my personal involvement in sharing it publicly, and I'm genuinely happier and better for it. And that was thankfully very true for myself and exactly what I'd needed at that time. (Thank you everyone who stuck around through all the times I stole stuff back <3 I'm such a dimmer.)
My personal journey through my sexuality is intrinsically linked with the art I've drawn across all of my life, and the things I put in my art are the genuine concepts that inhabit my soul and integrate into my sense of self. In the past being unaware of the nature of how I processed ideas through my art lead to extreme and unusual levels of stress and confusion when playing with sexual concepts; especially with others.
This was made even more difficult and awkward of a personal process when weighed against the boiling and growing joys, heat, and pressure of receiving even greater attention and money. Thrill and elation drove me onward while I was unaware I was too anxious and uncertain to give myself direction; so I span out and spiraled each time I hit a bump, hurting others, and myself.
Incredible personal naivety had me crashing in a direction I apparently didn't even care to look forward to, because my focus on positive responses/attention I was receiving, and my focus on reproducing and/or escalating kinky/cheap thrills blinded me to my sensibilities. I stomped all over how I was feeling(and the feelings of others). I ignored how I felt about what I was doing by focusing on exploiting pornography as a tool, both socially and physiologically. Ultimately that lead to a mental crack and a skewed, distorted relationship with smut and a warped perspective towards it as an artist, not to mention the strain and ruin on relationships it helped play a role in because of my obsessive, misguided use of it.
Eventually I'd reached a point where sexual themes and kink themes dominated nearly all of my art and relationships and then there was absolutely no escaping the unhappiness I'd clearly gone out of my way to create for myself. I'd ignored how much I didn't want the things I was working for so so so much longer than I care to share...
And then I took extreme measures to steal my art away again, only not because I was in the middle of a raging and sad panic attack, but because I'd been drowning in myself for years, being an awkward pain all around to others and then very slowly taking it out on myself, like sitting under a very slow piston and trying to make sure all my friends who stuck around me got squashed by it with me. Really stupid behaviour, emotionally.
After deleting my gallery AGAIN I began to restructure points and facets in my life, reprioritizing things that were tangibly meaningful to my mind. I clung to the people whom I couldn't convince myself of their lack of care for me, whose interactions with me spread beyond sexual impulse, kink themes, and blush inducing banter.
Years later, I can say through tears of joy that I'm surrounded by some of the best friends I couldn't have imagined having, with so many playful pals and amazing artists in my life, all of whom I've been able to establish interactions with outside of my old obsessive kink patterns. And through that time restructuring myself and then slowly re-exploring myself I was able to discover that I'm a handful of things I'd never expected to identify as.
Being surrounded by a multitude of people whose interests and perspectives varied wildly, but who I could also still be a friendly little furry with, enabled me to see past my obsessions and discover the corners, colours and facets of my soul, and standing where I am today it's as amusing as it is beautifully sad to understand how easily my weaknesses got in the way of those discoveries...and a melancholic confidence to know that with my mindfulness of it now, that weakness will be easier to manage going forward.
I'm a non-binary, man/stoat-loving demisexual ace. Happy pride month, I think!
(and I'm autistic, but I've known that for a decade and hid it in my shame)
Becoming mindful and aware of the nature of myself and being able to articulate the patterns of my desires and impulses...being able to map and understand the way I behave and then name it genuinely made a significant difference in improving the way I explore my understanding of myself. It made me more aware of the ways I love, the ways I hurt myself and others, and the ways I see and build connections with ideas and people. Being aware of this certainly made more deeply aware of the reasons how and why I would previously get so anxiously uncomfortable around sexual concepts and kinks when with people sometimes.
And on a silly note, I genuinely think it made me more artistically inspired/driven. Articulating the experience was like...building a road to the idea. Thoughts travel easier and more swiftly to and away from that concept/emotion/experience.
Being aware of myself, and being surrounded by a wider group of friends grew around me the social structures and boundaries around sexual concepts and feelings that I was missing and couldn't create on my own, and now that I am going forward in life with these blessed people and healthy structures around myself and my art...
I find myself having a genuinely smutty mind again. My extraordinarily strict boundaries are relaxing slightly, and there's a sincere impulse to share more smut again...
But I genuinely don't want to be known for it. And I don't think I'll be posting it here! I don't want to hide my porn, I'm not ashamed of it, except for like 2 or 3 specific pieces. I just genuinely could not handle the emotional and mental strain of what I was doing with it during the time of my life where I was obsessed with it. But I'd like to look back on it with indulgence, now that I feel as though I've grown enough to handle it.
Because I'm proud of my weirdness, and proud of sticking to art despite how poorly I handled it at times. Art means the world to me, and kinks and sexuality aren't any less a part of the human impulse and soul. And I now believe I understand better just how powerfully these forces move others now, from my aloof, disjointed asexual and autistic balcony. They are a joy I used to delight in delivering to others, and they are a joy I'm tempted to titillate toons with again now that I'm equipped with better mental tools and boundaries, and especially now that I know how to healthily rely on good friends.
But again, I won't be posting porn here anymore. I'll be posting it to my old, second FA account,
Idun.Damn...And I just beat my watcher count there, too. I'm not going to re-upload everything, only the stuff that I think is really good or that I like, or haven't shared. If you commissioned me in the past and would like to see your commission uploaded there, please contact me. I might've forgotten your commission exists because I lost it.
This separation should be good and fun for everyone! So remember, if you see toony porn that looks like my art...
I done didn't do it.
Idun did it.
I don't know if the question is oriented on us too, but I also feel that kinks/porn is a way to better understand ourselves, and mostly our past, on some details that we decided to focus on and then grew up as a full fledged kink for instance. I also see it as a good way to take a little break on hard things that come up with life, like some kind of bubble where we can relax and evacuate some steam. Though towards artist... well i don't really know. I can say that as a viewer, they show us what we deeply like and what we weren't aware about before. They bring us little treats that make us take some good relaxation. But as an artist... Well, it's interesting and funny to talk to peeps that are in the same things as you ;3
Thank you for writing all of this, and thank you for sharing reaaaally kinky things nyonhonhon
They're definitely a great respite from the stress and horror of life from time to time. ^^ Even better to share that respite with others.
Fitting profile pic for the Idun account too, nyeheh
Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly and candidly. It's clear that you've done a lot of introspection and growth, and it's inspiring to see how you've navigated your journey as a kink artist and as someone who's becoming more aware of their mental health.
I've been following your artwork for about three years now, and I hadn't thought you would struggle with such things underneath all this, and i am realy sorry to read this, but glad at the same tme, you shared this piece of personal growth with us. Your perspective on kinks and sexuality as positive forces for self-exploration and creativity resonates with me. It's fascinating how these elements can profoundly impact our lives, sometimes in beautiful ways, other times in challenging ones. Your honesty about the struggles and the transformative experiences you've had is really refreshing.
I appreciate your insights on the importance of boundaries and the process of reclaiming your art and your well-being. It's a powerful reminder that taking a step back and re-evaluating our relationships with our passions can lead to healthier and more fulfilling paths.
It's wonderful to hear that you’ve found a supportive community and have been able to explore and understand yourself better. The balance you’ve struck between sharing your art and maintaining your mental health is commendable, and I respect your decision to post your work on a separate account for the best of your health... Sorry, i mean Iduns work, not yours ;)
Your journey is a testament to the importance of self-awareness and the impact of having a strong support system. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. Wishing you, from the bottom of my heart, all the best as you continue to explore your creativity and build meaningful connections. <3
Stay well and creative!
Yours Diarium
Mindfulness of the self goes a long ways to understanding one's place among others, I think.
I was (am?) aroace for a long while (and tism gang), but only a few years ago I came across the label "aegosexual" and it hit me like a toon hammer lol
if you still feel uncertain about kinks, you could look it up and see how much or little you agree with. you don't have to adopt the label or anything, but it was fascinating and an eye-opening perspective
... or since ya done didn't do it, maybe let Idun know *wink*
The term is something I am aware of, but not the one for me, I think. I've got alot going on under the hood to focus on that comes faaaaar before aegosexuality comes into consideration.