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An Open Letter: Toxic Relationship
4 months ago
Howdy my supposed friend.
It's been a while, but I've been convinced I shouldn't make it any longer, so what I'm about to tell you comes from a deep well in my soul. Whether you care to hear this is the question, because it isn't pleasant or friendly, and it's a little past its expiration date one could say.
Firstly, I'm sorry for giving you the silent treatment, and hiding my true feelings from you. If I truly wanted to do what was for the best, you would have known from the start when the feelings were benign. But I was caught up in myself and still am in a way, otherwise I wouldn't be here saying this all. But I believe it needs to be said. And before I continue I want you to understand that I send you this message with zero expectation of the future, this is but a mere expression my my soul, nothing more.
When I first met you, around that time, I remember us talking about animation, I think I was doing a piston animation of Orange and you'd given me advice about anticipation frames, and even created an example animation to demonstrate the timing difference. I always thought that was so impressive and cool, and the experience painted a strong positive impression of you, and I honestly kept that impression for a long time. I learned alot from you that day, and went on to do all sorts of things with the knowledge. You were great in my eyes and I always assumed you knew alot more about art and things than you let on, and I guess you can say that I wanted to learn what I thought you secretly knew, like I could experience something like that story about you teaching me anticipation frames for a second time. I think it's part of why I liked to do art challenges with you.
While I didn't know then that I was driven by that initial impression of you, I think that desire put alot of cumbersome pressure and strain on you in a very negative way, and I'm very sorry for that. However, I also wanted you to know how I looked up to you that way, because I don't think I was mature enough to express it when we last talked. And just as well, I don't think I was mature enough to express the following:
You deeply hurt me the last time we regularly spoke, and not only that, I feel like a great deal of what can described as our friendship was ultimately toxic and poorly communicated. I'm not at all implying I'm faultless because I've been weird and volatile towards you in some, or perhaps many of our exchanges, and I'm opening myself to you right now to air any grievances you may have with me and I will pay mind and listen.
However I have to say that I've come away from our relationship feeling powerfully hurt and very convinced that it was irreconcilable, and sincerely began to believe you did not care how I felt. So I ran away from it, from you, and childishly deleted just about everything I'd drawn of you from my online galleries. I chose not to speak about it because of that perceived apathy, even though you later came to me and asked how I was doing. I continued to believe you weren't actually concerned about me, because I also deeply felt that throughout our entire relationship you seemed to care about my retired character Niju far more than you were interested in being my friend.
Sincerely, I enjoyed that you loved Niju so much, he was a deeply personal creation of mine, so naturally I was flattered. But over the course of our interactions I felt as if a pattern developed of you being Hot when the topic was Niju, and Cold when the topic was anything other than Niju. I also felt like this Hot & Cold pattern grew overtly stronger over time, to the point that I felt like a complete stranger if the topic wasn't Niju.
This experience culminated completely in two separate incidents. The first time was when I sincerely offered to give you Niju as a character, to give you everything related to him, because I felt so emotionally beaten down by this pattern that I didn't know what to do and wanted to give up by giving him up.
The second was when I cleaned the ink up on an old gift comic I'd drawn for you, and then coloured and shaded it. I felt embarrassed that I made you that offer of my character, and I wanted to do something nice for you, but admittedly I also wanted to know how you'd respond to the gift, because that felt easier than talking to you.
What I remember about your response was that you seemed clearly uninterested in the comic, and that you had nothing to say about it when I probed for some kind of a response. And I distinctly remember you not showing any appreciation for the gift, and then not interacting with it for the day and a half after I uploaded it despite actively replying to other art as well as gift art you'd gotten at the time. Admittedly, I was very desparately searching for acknowledgement from you, not just for that gift, but for me in general. But I was profoundly convinced that day that you didn't value me, and that any value I had to you was only for the sake of fetish art of Niju, even after I'd repeatedly stated I'd retired the character. Admittedly, I directly stated I was making exceptions for you, but I profoundly regret drawing him for you at all nowadays.
Have you ever done anything wrong to me? No, you haven't, and I will assure you that I've never said a poor thing about you to anyone, because you have never done anything to hurt me. And I think you are a great artist, who draws stuff that I would enjoy, and I'd be happy to tell that to others if your name came up. I really mean all of that.
I deluded myself into thinking we wanted the same thing as friends and voluntarily made self-violating sacrifices to my personal boundaries, comfort, and artistic expression to you for the sake of that delusion. I should've noticed you weren't responding positively long before things got as bad as they did, and that truly isn't your fault.
But you certainly never treated me right, and I have a hatred for you now, and I hate carrying this feeling.
I hate you, my ex-never-once-a-friend.
But I hope you're doing well.
This is a letter I sent years ago to someone I admired for most of my time online up until a few years ago. Why am I sharing it?
I genuinely think it will help younger folks. I don't see people giving examples and talking about their experiences publicly, so I'll just set myself on fire a little.
It's been a while, but I've been convinced I shouldn't make it any longer, so what I'm about to tell you comes from a deep well in my soul. Whether you care to hear this is the question, because it isn't pleasant or friendly, and it's a little past its expiration date one could say.
Firstly, I'm sorry for giving you the silent treatment, and hiding my true feelings from you. If I truly wanted to do what was for the best, you would have known from the start when the feelings were benign. But I was caught up in myself and still am in a way, otherwise I wouldn't be here saying this all. But I believe it needs to be said. And before I continue I want you to understand that I send you this message with zero expectation of the future, this is but a mere expression my my soul, nothing more.
When I first met you, around that time, I remember us talking about animation, I think I was doing a piston animation of Orange and you'd given me advice about anticipation frames, and even created an example animation to demonstrate the timing difference. I always thought that was so impressive and cool, and the experience painted a strong positive impression of you, and I honestly kept that impression for a long time. I learned alot from you that day, and went on to do all sorts of things with the knowledge. You were great in my eyes and I always assumed you knew alot more about art and things than you let on, and I guess you can say that I wanted to learn what I thought you secretly knew, like I could experience something like that story about you teaching me anticipation frames for a second time. I think it's part of why I liked to do art challenges with you.
While I didn't know then that I was driven by that initial impression of you, I think that desire put alot of cumbersome pressure and strain on you in a very negative way, and I'm very sorry for that. However, I also wanted you to know how I looked up to you that way, because I don't think I was mature enough to express it when we last talked. And just as well, I don't think I was mature enough to express the following:
You deeply hurt me the last time we regularly spoke, and not only that, I feel like a great deal of what can described as our friendship was ultimately toxic and poorly communicated. I'm not at all implying I'm faultless because I've been weird and volatile towards you in some, or perhaps many of our exchanges, and I'm opening myself to you right now to air any grievances you may have with me and I will pay mind and listen.
However I have to say that I've come away from our relationship feeling powerfully hurt and very convinced that it was irreconcilable, and sincerely began to believe you did not care how I felt. So I ran away from it, from you, and childishly deleted just about everything I'd drawn of you from my online galleries. I chose not to speak about it because of that perceived apathy, even though you later came to me and asked how I was doing. I continued to believe you weren't actually concerned about me, because I also deeply felt that throughout our entire relationship you seemed to care about my retired character Niju far more than you were interested in being my friend.
Sincerely, I enjoyed that you loved Niju so much, he was a deeply personal creation of mine, so naturally I was flattered. But over the course of our interactions I felt as if a pattern developed of you being Hot when the topic was Niju, and Cold when the topic was anything other than Niju. I also felt like this Hot & Cold pattern grew overtly stronger over time, to the point that I felt like a complete stranger if the topic wasn't Niju.
This experience culminated completely in two separate incidents. The first time was when I sincerely offered to give you Niju as a character, to give you everything related to him, because I felt so emotionally beaten down by this pattern that I didn't know what to do and wanted to give up by giving him up.
The second was when I cleaned the ink up on an old gift comic I'd drawn for you, and then coloured and shaded it. I felt embarrassed that I made you that offer of my character, and I wanted to do something nice for you, but admittedly I also wanted to know how you'd respond to the gift, because that felt easier than talking to you.
What I remember about your response was that you seemed clearly uninterested in the comic, and that you had nothing to say about it when I probed for some kind of a response. And I distinctly remember you not showing any appreciation for the gift, and then not interacting with it for the day and a half after I uploaded it despite actively replying to other art as well as gift art you'd gotten at the time. Admittedly, I was very desparately searching for acknowledgement from you, not just for that gift, but for me in general. But I was profoundly convinced that day that you didn't value me, and that any value I had to you was only for the sake of fetish art of Niju, even after I'd repeatedly stated I'd retired the character. Admittedly, I directly stated I was making exceptions for you, but I profoundly regret drawing him for you at all nowadays.
Have you ever done anything wrong to me? No, you haven't, and I will assure you that I've never said a poor thing about you to anyone, because you have never done anything to hurt me. And I think you are a great artist, who draws stuff that I would enjoy, and I'd be happy to tell that to others if your name came up. I really mean all of that.
I deluded myself into thinking we wanted the same thing as friends and voluntarily made self-violating sacrifices to my personal boundaries, comfort, and artistic expression to you for the sake of that delusion. I should've noticed you weren't responding positively long before things got as bad as they did, and that truly isn't your fault.
But you certainly never treated me right, and I have a hatred for you now, and I hate carrying this feeling.
I hate you, my ex-never-once-a-friend.
But I hope you're doing well.
This is a letter I sent years ago to someone I admired for most of my time online up until a few years ago. Why am I sharing it?
I genuinely think it will help younger folks. I don't see people giving examples and talking about their experiences publicly, so I'll just set myself on fire a little.
Well, first things first, being honest and upfront about what you feel and what you expect of someone can feel very transactional, but in the end that's what all relationships are if you're gonna be pedantic and reductive about it. I tell my friends what I think of them, and how certain situations make me feel in as deep a detail I can get away with. Some friends are not equipped to handle this, because sometimes when you dump all your feelings out like that it can be overwhelming and feel like you're accusing them of causing things on purpose.
Remember that existing means to hurt others and to be hurt by others, and mostly not on purpose. Mark your boundaries clearely as soon as you know of them. If someone pushes against those boundaries too forcefully then they do not care about you or your wellbeing. When you place them down, reinforce them every time they're crossed. That way you can more clearely notice who is worth keeping and who is worth dropping.
Lastly, don't put too much worth on any one friend. Friends come and go. Some last your entire life, most do not. That's life. One of the worst parts in my view.
Thanks for sharing. Learn every lesson as fast as you can, that way you won't have to relearn them.
Unrequited feelings is pretty dead center shooting. It was a terribly confusing time for me, and I put alot of ridiculous expectations on others while feeling trapped in a vacuum lacking of real communication. It wasn't good for other, for anyone.
Such is life, I supose.
It...really sucks, and I hope others can avoid it with my folly made bare.
But it's still messy, complex business that don't 'look pretty' or feel beautiful even if it ultimately is.