Posted a few days ago on my subscription page, but i need to post this here too.
sorry for anyone i've worried or upset with my absence

Hello everyone

Just a heads up Trigger warning this post contains drug abuse and death.

It’s been a while since i updated, and at this point i risk sounding like a broken record to anyone who’s heard this before, but i just have to rip this bandaid off, i’ve been in such a dark depression, and i hate talking about it, but at this point i need to get this stuff off my chest because it’s affecting my mental health a lot more than i thought possible. Also you all deserve to know where the hell i've been.

For those who don’t know, I had to cut ties with my family last year because of their drug abuse, lies, and gaslighting. It was probably the hardest thing I had to do in my life because I still love them, but there have been aspects of this I haven't talked about that I feel like I need to.

Rewind like 13 years, In my 20’s I was a party animal, and I just kind of let it be my personality. I feel like that really rubbed off on my younger siblings and I never really gave it thought at the time. I was just so involved in myself having fun I didn't think how it would affect them. That being said I never got into any hard substances beyond trying molly and coke a few times at cons, drinking, and weed, unfortunately my younger siblings did get into harder stuff without me knowing.

Fast forward to about 4 years ago, I found out one of my siblings was abusing multiple hard drugs, Heroin and Fentanyl mostly i believe, after they went to jail. I felt so guilty, me and my older sibling took them in, I took them to AA meetings, hospital visits, helped them get back on track til they were ready to move in with my other siblings again. We asked our other siblings how long they had been using and they were just like “what? We had no idea, they just do their own thing most of the time” and we were just like “oh, well yeah i guess you can’t keep tabs on someone just running around doing stuff like that i suppose”

Fast forward another 2 years. I had to watch them in a coma with tubes down their throat laying in a hospital bed because they relapsed, and OD’d. I really thought this was it, this was the end for them, I was going to lose my younger sibling. I was an emotional wreck, I actually prayed to God crying that they pull through, and they did.

We were just so relieved when they woke up, they couldn’t even talk for a few days so we just talked to them, and assured them they were gonna be okay and that we weren’t angry, just sad that they did this, but we were still there to help and loved them so much.

It was a bombshell when they got their voice back and my older sibling asked if my other siblings were using, which to me I didn't even consider, but they must’ve felt guilty and told us they had all been using for years now.

I just saw red man, like i didn’t know i could be that angry, i literally wanted to wraggle my other siblings necks, just lying to our faces and covering up this shit for so long now that it lead to this, my older sibling had to calm me down and talk me down from going apeshit and reminded me to just be grateful they were still alive, and to just let sleeping dogs lie.

Eventually I was able to move past it but not really, you know? It was about a half a year later we got a call with my sibling crying frantically over the phone, we were freaked the fuck out to say the least, trying to calm them down and figure out what had happened. They had a friend over and they were using again, and their friend had OD’d And passed away while they were in bed.

We were horrified by this, and later on, our other siblings who covered up all these things tried to gaslight us saying the hospital was telling them he passed from Covid, and that was one of the last straws, I disconnected from them at that point, if they were just going to lie like this i couldn’t trust them.

The actual final straw was later that year we got a call that our other sibling who had originally gone to jail got arrested again, when we asked if they were using again, the other one who always covers for them played dumb and was like “what are you talking about?” I snapped and told them I know everything, I know he had been using it. I know that he was covering up for them all these years, that i was not some idiot he could lie too, he hung up on me in a panic.

Later I got a text on my birthday from the other one who got arrested that was just over the top entitled and insane, making me and my older sibling out to be the assholes in this situation for asking if they relapsed again. Obviously the other had told them what I had said and that was it. About a month later I wrote them all individually long letters that I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't watch them slowly kill themselves and lie about it til shit hits the fan and then that’s when they want to get us involved.

Since then I've been punishing myself with guilt over everything, torturing myself with what ifs. I haven’t been able to shake the feeling that I have blood on my hands from that young friend of theirs that overdosed, that if I was a better brother so much of this could’ve been avoided, like there’s some combination of steps in a certain way i could have made to avoid all of this tragedy.

I haven’t talked to friends in months, because I don't want to be that guy who’s just a downer to talk to, and I find normal conversations hard to fill with my own thoughts and views because a lot seems so meaningless in my recent state of mind.

My depression has gotten so bad from all of this, i feel like i need redemption that i’ll never get, along with the whole world feeling like it’s on fire and falling apart, i’ve been struggling to find a reason to go on, IM NOT SUICIDAL! Just FYI, but I just feel like my life has become this dull low hum in a world filled with clashing cymbals and drums. I did have a really dark night a few months ago, and have felt really numb since then. I'll probably talk about that later when it feels like enough time has passed.

But i need to start getting reconnected and move past this somehow, i don’t want to fall into that void man, but fuck me if it doesn’t feel like it’s right on my heels. Also I know people tell me I can reach out to them but like I've said I struggle with feeling like I'm a burden just being like “I'm depressed and sad about everything that’s happened over the past few years.”

I think because I've had people tell me to just get on antidepressants, like all I need is this band aid pill to make everything better, i mean it helps, but like it’ll just make the past okay!? Yippee, I took some pills that help numb the pain! Okay yeah, and see i’ve gotten really bitter from all of this, i feel like i’m turning into that bitter old person that is going to die alone.

It’s just hard because we were all split up when we were younger, and we finally started to reconnect and have family dinners, and spend holidays together. I actually felt like I had a real family for the first time in decades, and it’s all just been shredded to bits now. I still have my older sibling, I can tell they are depressed too but they save face for my sake, or they just are a master at compartmentalizing these things, where i’m very analytical and connect all the dots on stuff, which ties back to alot of my guilt and feeling the need to punish myself because things wouldn’t be this way if i wasn’t such an idiot in my 20s and made partying seem so cool to my tween siblings at that time.

Lastly, I feel like I've been failing all of you, i see so many of my mutual friends grow and prosper and just live these happy lives they built for themselves, and I want that. But I have this guilt in the back of my mind saying I don't deserve it, look how far behind you are with everything, look at how old you’ve gotten, you’re starting to turn gray and wrinkled and still single, you’ll never own a house or find a husband and have a family. This depression has made me fall behind on the work that people like you have been supporting me for, and honestly you all are one of the main reasons I'm still here.

I’m sorry if you’re mad at me for falling behind or not responding to your emails and messages, please believe me when i say this depression has been really crippling but i’m trying my best and plan on doing more therapy, which i do believe helps, but i stopped for a while and let my negativity fester.

I’ll be okay, but it’s hard guys, I love you, and want to be happy for your sake and mine.
I want to build something with my life, i want to feel like all the pain meant something, that it wasn’t all for nothing, but the demons i have weigh heavy on my soul.

I want to end this on a positive note, I had a coworker once who was a hardcore meth addict, a really nice guy, funny as all hell, could've been a comedian, but was killing himself. Him and his wife had a kid one year, and he decided that was it, he was getting clean. I never saw such a dramatic change in someone, he even quit smoking cigs, he got his teeth replaced, the bags under his eyes disappeared, he started to gain weight, he was like a new person.

I know that they can change, even with all the damage that was done, people can always change, you can always make a choice everyday you wake up. I’m hoping that at least I can change by letting you all in on what I've been dealing with, instead of quarantining my sadness like a disease. If you struggle with Drug addiction just know if you’re reading this, there’s still time for you on this planet to change things, you don’t have to let it end in darkness. Find the light in your dark hell and fight for it, you can make change if you really want it, but you have to really want it.

Fight for a better tomorrow.

I love you.
I miss you.

-J.R.