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Just lost my mother.
a year ago
A week ago, we were looking into getting a doctor to visit her at home because of her fear of anything medical, as well as leaving the house. As soon as we got home, she stopped hiding the incredible pain she'd been in for days and demanded help, the scariest thing I've ever heard from someone who's spent her whole life avoiding medical care. In the hospital, they found out her abdominal pains were due to fast-acting and aggressive pancreatic cancer. They said she had 3-6 months at most.
She was so relieved that she could finally stop pretending that she was only with us for a single week afterward. The fact that she's not hurting and has nothing to worry about any longer is what matters most. She's finally better off than she was in that final few months where we could all tell she was having a quick decline, but hid it from us as long as she could.
Now that she's gone and will never have anything to worry about again, the future is hitting me like a landslide. I was holding myself together for the past week with the knowledge that the majority of people since prehistory have had to deal with losing their parents, and if they all handled it, even I probably can... But now the enormity of it all is starting to hit me.
Dammit, just realized that due to my disorders and how bad I am at keeping track of things like this, I'm not even sure how to contact Dad's side of the family. She was the main one to support me in all that, and I literally can't think of what to do next. And this is just about the worst moment to be thinking of myself.
She was so relieved that she could finally stop pretending that she was only with us for a single week afterward. The fact that she's not hurting and has nothing to worry about any longer is what matters most. She's finally better off than she was in that final few months where we could all tell she was having a quick decline, but hid it from us as long as she could.
Now that she's gone and will never have anything to worry about again, the future is hitting me like a landslide. I was holding myself together for the past week with the knowledge that the majority of people since prehistory have had to deal with losing their parents, and if they all handled it, even I probably can... But now the enormity of it all is starting to hit me.
Dammit, just realized that due to my disorders and how bad I am at keeping track of things like this, I'm not even sure how to contact Dad's side of the family. She was the main one to support me in all that, and I literally can't think of what to do next. And this is just about the worst moment to be thinking of myself.
Take care my good man. If you need someone to talk to - even just to vent - my door is always open.
If you need anything, or just someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to send me a Note. I also have a Discord if you would rather talk on there at length. But I understand the desire to simply be alone and gather yourself. Don't worry about reaching out though.