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"We are men of action; lies do not become us"
a year ago
Gold may tarnish and lose its value, but gems are made from pressure
Hello hello there~
Just a little journal of words for once. Had my yearly community BBQ this past weekend and I think around 100 furs attended again! Always crazy and wears me out but love seeing everyone enjoy coming together and hanging out.
Things have been up and down. I've been making due through the pitfalls of emotional weights that is lost friendships that plague my prehipheral vision as I browse the community and such. And its more ironic that what harmful things they've done just to have someone recently try to spread lies about me to someone I rarely talk to after discussing to them about said shared contact and light, personal details started by the third, lying party. Started a storm and lucky for me, before they nuked the chat after I was accused by the person they went to, I took screenshots. Ended that shit in a heartbeat.
Liars are an unsightly thing and I don't get what brings them to my footstep. Maybe it's my initial vulnerability wanting to show people I am willing to be open and show who I am? I'm not really sure. But the unending targeting for being made out to be the baddie is..tiring. Meanwhile I'm just waiting for some of these..old ex friends who have bailed on me to go 'are-we-the-baddies.gif?' but I don't have faith in those epiphanies arising when I've already tried reaching out or giving second chances just to be bitten when showing my vulnerability.
Anyway. Asides for that jazz, I am.. managing! There are times I look inside a bit too long and that pain of the past is all too real again and I have to remember to climb back out before my eyes blur but I'm hoping it'll be like.. getting use to it kinda thing and eventually it'll stop bothering me. Especially with those who are still around and who have started coming around.
I have those who have been showing dedication and it means so much to me, especially when I regrettably cling too hard and it causes backtrack and a long conversation to stablize. The woes of having a friend with BPD but..none more will appreciate as someone with that. And I've had new people or others renewing so to say their appearance and it's been pleasant. Overall I'm trying to let more in and talk better but obviously it's hard with the kind of things I've been through and I'm always, constantly..afraid of what might happen next. It just doesn't change and I see paths and possibilities everywhere and fret on how I should what in certain ways with what kinda phrasing. Because it always seems to end up deciding if I lose someone or not as I have. Whether they finally understand that I'm feeling left out and they've let down their word to me that I thought they gave to me..or instead of understanding that, they think I'm trying to control them and they don't understand and immediately don't want to talk it out with me, let me try to fix the miscommunication..
Communication is big to me. And I dislike liars. So you can see why I would feel so hurt by those who I've been "misled" by, and bailed on by. And why this recent bout of foolishness by someone, while made me laugh the whole time, frustrated me deeply because they put my standing with someone on a bad edge I almost couldn't recover.
Words and actions matter. There's a reason that's always been on my profile. So thank you to those who are here, right now. Underneath everything, there's still a struggle some days left over from..a few people. Sometimes I'm not sure if it won't suddenly come out and take control. But having you all here is always an amazing reminder why I think "You might as well keep going; who knows what else there is to do."
Keep your heart gems safe.
Just a little journal of words for once. Had my yearly community BBQ this past weekend and I think around 100 furs attended again! Always crazy and wears me out but love seeing everyone enjoy coming together and hanging out.
Things have been up and down. I've been making due through the pitfalls of emotional weights that is lost friendships that plague my prehipheral vision as I browse the community and such. And its more ironic that what harmful things they've done just to have someone recently try to spread lies about me to someone I rarely talk to after discussing to them about said shared contact and light, personal details started by the third, lying party. Started a storm and lucky for me, before they nuked the chat after I was accused by the person they went to, I took screenshots. Ended that shit in a heartbeat.
Liars are an unsightly thing and I don't get what brings them to my footstep. Maybe it's my initial vulnerability wanting to show people I am willing to be open and show who I am? I'm not really sure. But the unending targeting for being made out to be the baddie is..tiring. Meanwhile I'm just waiting for some of these..old ex friends who have bailed on me to go 'are-we-the-baddies.gif?' but I don't have faith in those epiphanies arising when I've already tried reaching out or giving second chances just to be bitten when showing my vulnerability.
Anyway. Asides for that jazz, I am.. managing! There are times I look inside a bit too long and that pain of the past is all too real again and I have to remember to climb back out before my eyes blur but I'm hoping it'll be like.. getting use to it kinda thing and eventually it'll stop bothering me. Especially with those who are still around and who have started coming around.
I have those who have been showing dedication and it means so much to me, especially when I regrettably cling too hard and it causes backtrack and a long conversation to stablize. The woes of having a friend with BPD but..none more will appreciate as someone with that. And I've had new people or others renewing so to say their appearance and it's been pleasant. Overall I'm trying to let more in and talk better but obviously it's hard with the kind of things I've been through and I'm always, constantly..afraid of what might happen next. It just doesn't change and I see paths and possibilities everywhere and fret on how I should what in certain ways with what kinda phrasing. Because it always seems to end up deciding if I lose someone or not as I have. Whether they finally understand that I'm feeling left out and they've let down their word to me that I thought they gave to me..or instead of understanding that, they think I'm trying to control them and they don't understand and immediately don't want to talk it out with me, let me try to fix the miscommunication..
Communication is big to me. And I dislike liars. So you can see why I would feel so hurt by those who I've been "misled" by, and bailed on by. And why this recent bout of foolishness by someone, while made me laugh the whole time, frustrated me deeply because they put my standing with someone on a bad edge I almost couldn't recover.
Words and actions matter. There's a reason that's always been on my profile. So thank you to those who are here, right now. Underneath everything, there's still a struggle some days left over from..a few people. Sometimes I'm not sure if it won't suddenly come out and take control. But having you all here is always an amazing reminder why I think "You might as well keep going; who knows what else there is to do."
Keep your heart gems safe.
