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Feeling Alone and Invisible
a year ago
I know this most likely my depression more than anything.
Just a warning in case those who like being assholes want to try and invalidate how I feel right now.
I have a huge tendency to bottle my feelings to the point of it exploding. This was especially bad when I was younger and didn't know how to compartmentalize my feelings like I do now. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and was a lot more happy and expressive. I looked forward to a lot of things, going out, being with family and what few friends I did have. When I was truely happy, would share my interests with family and friends. Would play games and laugh with people I enjoyed being around.
I'd go out of my way to make sure others around me where happy, taken care of, their house stayed clean if I was staying over. Made sure they were paid for gas if I asked to hang out or we'd go places we liked to visit. I would even help with groceries at times for friends, help out with their bills if they were a little short cause it made me happy.
Loved to draw and would spend hours looking online for brushes to use for GIMP, would post hundreds of little pixel art and drawings each month.
Met my first ex online, he was a mistake to date and showed me just how stupid I was to openly trust him. Things were great at first but then the body shaming, and comments saying that he didnt want to be seen with me in public because I was fat and he wanted to be a bodybuilder, something he knew I hated. I went so far as to lose more than 50 lbs to gain back his affections but it didnt matter. He'd already moved on from me to another guy. They taught me just how easy it was to hurt someone and how easy it was to let someone go.
Met my second ex online, he started out better than first and our relationship lasted about the same. But at the end of it he let slip his true intentions with me as he never really wanted me from the start. Told me that it was all a long game for him just wanting to see how far i was willing to go to please him even though I'd get nothing from him in the end.
I started building walls, hardened my heart and lessened my emotions, shared less about my interests with people around me. I even started setting by myself and only focused on my work when I was on the job. All the friends I had up until this point disappeared, we no longer talk or hang out. Their words to me were that I was too emotional, complained about everything and only did these things for attention.
People at work and current friends I talk to tell me that I'm always getting angry about topics when Im simply asking a question to better understand a situation. That im trying to start arguments, or the flip side that Im not communicating enough with them and that I should be more open.
I've nearly stopped talking at work in recent weeks, and have been avoid as much contact with customers and other associates as I possibly can. I sit by myself to avoid conversations with people who have expressed complaints or gossip. I like my alone time but at the same time I feel so alone even though im surrounded by so many people every day.
Every time I share my interests or something I really enjoyed with siblings or coworkers they change the subject and turn away from me to fade back into the walls.
I stop talking and just walk away, theres no longer a reason or point to continue wasting my time, energy, and feelings on people who dont care.
I feel myself having gone emotionally numb from being set aside. My chest hurts some days from all the bottled up words I havent been able to say... or the emotions I can no longer express.
More and more I feel used and sometimes invisible to the people around me. The only time anyone notices is when I get angry.
Just a warning in case those who like being assholes want to try and invalidate how I feel right now.
I have a huge tendency to bottle my feelings to the point of it exploding. This was especially bad when I was younger and didn't know how to compartmentalize my feelings like I do now. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and was a lot more happy and expressive. I looked forward to a lot of things, going out, being with family and what few friends I did have. When I was truely happy, would share my interests with family and friends. Would play games and laugh with people I enjoyed being around.
I'd go out of my way to make sure others around me where happy, taken care of, their house stayed clean if I was staying over. Made sure they were paid for gas if I asked to hang out or we'd go places we liked to visit. I would even help with groceries at times for friends, help out with their bills if they were a little short cause it made me happy.
Loved to draw and would spend hours looking online for brushes to use for GIMP, would post hundreds of little pixel art and drawings each month.
Met my first ex online, he was a mistake to date and showed me just how stupid I was to openly trust him. Things were great at first but then the body shaming, and comments saying that he didnt want to be seen with me in public because I was fat and he wanted to be a bodybuilder, something he knew I hated. I went so far as to lose more than 50 lbs to gain back his affections but it didnt matter. He'd already moved on from me to another guy. They taught me just how easy it was to hurt someone and how easy it was to let someone go.
Met my second ex online, he started out better than first and our relationship lasted about the same. But at the end of it he let slip his true intentions with me as he never really wanted me from the start. Told me that it was all a long game for him just wanting to see how far i was willing to go to please him even though I'd get nothing from him in the end.
I started building walls, hardened my heart and lessened my emotions, shared less about my interests with people around me. I even started setting by myself and only focused on my work when I was on the job. All the friends I had up until this point disappeared, we no longer talk or hang out. Their words to me were that I was too emotional, complained about everything and only did these things for attention.
People at work and current friends I talk to tell me that I'm always getting angry about topics when Im simply asking a question to better understand a situation. That im trying to start arguments, or the flip side that Im not communicating enough with them and that I should be more open.
I've nearly stopped talking at work in recent weeks, and have been avoid as much contact with customers and other associates as I possibly can. I sit by myself to avoid conversations with people who have expressed complaints or gossip. I like my alone time but at the same time I feel so alone even though im surrounded by so many people every day.
Every time I share my interests or something I really enjoyed with siblings or coworkers they change the subject and turn away from me to fade back into the walls.
I stop talking and just walk away, theres no longer a reason or point to continue wasting my time, energy, and feelings on people who dont care.
I feel myself having gone emotionally numb from being set aside. My chest hurts some days from all the bottled up words I havent been able to say... or the emotions I can no longer express.
More and more I feel used and sometimes invisible to the people around me. The only time anyone notices is when I get angry.
Ruaxes
~ruaxes
You’re getting hugs now. This is not up for debate so don’t resist until you feel the slightest bit better.
FabulaNovaCRYS
~fabulanovacrys
Don't worry, everyone in this awful world is alone, I had similar experiences, people always act like they care or that they are a friend, but it s all just a false pretense, they only want something out of you, it doesn t matter what, it s all self-serving, and in the end your heart gets colder and harder the more you get involved with people.
