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Sifting through my past
a year ago
Last weekend I helped my father empty out storage units. He always struggled with hoarding, and it was a hell of a chore. During the job we found a stack of papers from when my sister and I were in elementary school. So I took them.
At first, the stack relating to me was old drawings and paper projects and trinkets of that nature. Then it soon became clear that the majority of it was disciplinary reports, notes to my parents, and various complaints about me from school staff. Things I had never seen before.
My curiosity took me through it, and I made several important discoveries. Overall though, was the realization that every sign of being Autistic, every sign of abuse I was suffering, and every sign of needing help was going ignored and misinterpreted. Repeatedly. I was denied access to special needs because my Autism symptoms (including a speech impediment) were deemed "intentional disruptive behavior" and not signifiers of a condition. I was consistently punished for stimming habits, I remember that quite clearly. I was consistently punished for how I spoke. I was shamed for near every aspect of my personality.
A very aggravating trend to look over as an adult was how many times I was written as, and punished as, the antagonist of a conflict between myself and another student. Now, I remember some of these things. As an adult I can say uninterrupted what would normally happen. I was bullied because I was weird. I was a hyper active, neuro-divergent kid with sexual and emotional abuse trauma. When I would get upset enough to fight back, I was loud and obvious, and the adults in the room would notice. To their perspective, I had started it. The problem was- they'd never listen to me. I was never allowed to explain the situation. I was either spoken over and stopped outright, or called a liar. They loved calling me a liar. "Excuses" was their favorite word.
I have several report cards. I excelled in art and music, but failed miserably in everything else (especially math, which I am still horrible with- I am effectively numerically illiterate). Over time I also begin to fail with art and music, though. I was giving up. That was around the time I was becoming the monster they kept telling me I was. When I got into my teens I really was becoming violent and eerie, because I had spent my childhood being told that's who I was. Tell somebody something enough, as they say. I was eventually pulled out of public school and that was absolutely for the best. I could have ended up a very violent person, instead I am a docile puppy girl. What a deceptively swift course correction that was.
This stack of paper brought a lot of memories back to me. It brought a lot of feelings back to me. It brought a lot of hurt and frustration, but also vindication. I am not crazy. These people really did treat me poorly. The system truly did fail me. I have on-going struggles to this day because of how these people failed me as a child.
I can source my distrust of authority, my paranoia, my defensiveness, my lack of confidence and self esteem, and my shame in my natural idiosyncratic body language all to these school years. I now have papers backing up my claims.
I am absolutely taking this stuff to my therapist, because this opened a lot of doors.
At first, the stack relating to me was old drawings and paper projects and trinkets of that nature. Then it soon became clear that the majority of it was disciplinary reports, notes to my parents, and various complaints about me from school staff. Things I had never seen before.
My curiosity took me through it, and I made several important discoveries. Overall though, was the realization that every sign of being Autistic, every sign of abuse I was suffering, and every sign of needing help was going ignored and misinterpreted. Repeatedly. I was denied access to special needs because my Autism symptoms (including a speech impediment) were deemed "intentional disruptive behavior" and not signifiers of a condition. I was consistently punished for stimming habits, I remember that quite clearly. I was consistently punished for how I spoke. I was shamed for near every aspect of my personality.
A very aggravating trend to look over as an adult was how many times I was written as, and punished as, the antagonist of a conflict between myself and another student. Now, I remember some of these things. As an adult I can say uninterrupted what would normally happen. I was bullied because I was weird. I was a hyper active, neuro-divergent kid with sexual and emotional abuse trauma. When I would get upset enough to fight back, I was loud and obvious, and the adults in the room would notice. To their perspective, I had started it. The problem was- they'd never listen to me. I was never allowed to explain the situation. I was either spoken over and stopped outright, or called a liar. They loved calling me a liar. "Excuses" was their favorite word.
I have several report cards. I excelled in art and music, but failed miserably in everything else (especially math, which I am still horrible with- I am effectively numerically illiterate). Over time I also begin to fail with art and music, though. I was giving up. That was around the time I was becoming the monster they kept telling me I was. When I got into my teens I really was becoming violent and eerie, because I had spent my childhood being told that's who I was. Tell somebody something enough, as they say. I was eventually pulled out of public school and that was absolutely for the best. I could have ended up a very violent person, instead I am a docile puppy girl. What a deceptively swift course correction that was.
This stack of paper brought a lot of memories back to me. It brought a lot of feelings back to me. It brought a lot of hurt and frustration, but also vindication. I am not crazy. These people really did treat me poorly. The system truly did fail me. I have on-going struggles to this day because of how these people failed me as a child.
I can source my distrust of authority, my paranoia, my defensiveness, my lack of confidence and self esteem, and my shame in my natural idiosyncratic body language all to these school years. I now have papers backing up my claims.
I am absolutely taking this stuff to my therapist, because this opened a lot of doors.
I just hope all these are in the past and things are better for children of the present and the people in authority are more knowledgable about children with issues that need to be cared for and be treated more thoughtfully with understanding.
Kinda similar but probably not really, but I recently badgered out of my parents the fact that I was the 'problem child' - it was oddly comforting to know that I indeed had a weird childhood and that the ancient cruft of that explains some shit about me.
Wow! So all of THAT is your villain arc! Cool, cool. We can start your healing now...right after you have put down the laser guns and gravity blasters on the table as usually. good girl.
" disciplinary reports, notes to my parents, and various complaints about me from school staff. Things I had never seen before." - This all can be neglect from the staff's side, since they felt bothersome to deal with you, yet...it may be parental love from your folks. They (hopefully) be loving you for the person you were, and ignored all the claims, maybe because they loved you more, then form/reform you to meet other's/society's standards. It may have not been the optimal move, but people don't act smart, when they love someone very much.
"I was consistently punished for stimming habits, I remember that quite clearly. I was consistently punished for how I spoke. I was shamed for near every aspect of my personality." - Look deep inside of you! Your words make a lot of submissive persons very jealous now. Not even joking with this. Those who get punished early in their life, develop a sense of guilt and associate being punished as being a good-corrected person, and they are likely to develop a flavour to enjoy the submissive role in their future relationships/adult life. Aside of these early punishments and blames were right or wrong, successful or failing, they were successful in ONE thing: They have put the ground for what you are now!
"I am a docile puppy girl." - Yes you are! Good girl.
"I was eventually pulled out of public school and that was absolutely for the best. What a deceptively swift course correction that was." - Also something very fitting for you. And it worked out best, according to your words. More parental love/care? I am sure they talked about it, and saved you the trouble by not involving and bothering you. You had enough already to deal with. Society is NOT for everyone! It's for extroverts. Introverts enjoy and bloom in solitude, and if they are left to rest and have a peaceful life, they can chose to be flawless if they mingle in public.
"I was becoming the monster they kept telling me I was...I really was becoming violent and eerie, because I had spent my childhood being told that's who I was. Tell somebody something enough, as they say... I could have ended up a very violent person" - That monster is still inside you. You just need to control it, to know when it needs to be released, and when to keep it on a leash! Humans tend to forget, that they are animals on this planet. Despite the various level of intelligence, our animalistic side is always with us, ready to strike. We are just as much of a Monster as everything else. Being Human is being tame, pretending to be someone who can fit in with others. The Monster inside disagrees: Id(entity), Ego, and Superego are three agencies that make up your personality. The id is the inherited part of the personality; the ego is who you are, or self; and the superego is governed by morals and societal compasses. Just aim for your Ego to be as good as you can make it, and let the rest follow!
"I excelled in art and music, ... Over time I also begin to fail with art and music, though. I was giving up." - Obviously not. You are a known artist on several art site. Art is subjective and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Just don't give up! Express yourself and you'll gather like-minded individuals around you! Enrich their day, and enjoy your positive influence over them! Banish negativity, and be the good person you want to be!
"These people really did treat me poorly. The system truly did fail me." - The system was not invented to serve you! It never was. It was invented to create a collective of ideals. It's a set of rules, which makes a good citizen. A brainwashed slave to obey and slave away. The more the system fails you, the more of an uncut diamond you have remained. You want to be a good boy/girl? We got too many of those. How many we got from YOU? ... Only one! Make the best of it!
Look at the time! One hour gone already. I'll see you next time. Don't forget to take your space weapons with you!
Obviously, I am not knowing your full story, just went with what you wrote and what came into my twisted mind. Tried to steer the conversation toward positivity...and fairly comically point out, that your Villain Arc turned you into the Good Puppy Girl you are today. *hugs then pets*
I am not sure why but talking openly about them is still much more difficult than talking about myself. kehe
And I can relate on the math front. My damn lysdexia and adhd definitely caused issues there.
In some other ways I think I had an opposite yet also slightly damaging experience in other areas. I was always incredibly shy, quiet, reserved, etc. And for a long time I got told I was a "good, bright" kid, but that just meant I didn't take chances, stir the pot, or put myself out there in the slightest. Ended up resulting in me being severely socially stunted until well after highschool. Not to mention I'm still comign to grips with my own identity and such because I just didn't have a real chance to back then.
Schools have really failed a lot of folks in some key ways. Doesn't help that parents' attitudes in big parts of the country were just the worst, too.
*hugs you tight*
I know it took me a while to come to terms of my ASD and the struggles with it, but right now I got a decent enough foundation to start taking steps into some short-term goals to make it long-term
Bullies all knew that if they pretended to be nice before and after beating you up, they wouldn't get in trouble, but their victims did. It infuriated me that the school staff either weren't aware of this, or didn't give a damn because that would be extra work on their part. I was always in fights and in trouble. Someone once put my head through a window, and somehow that was my fault. A lot of my distrust of authority figures and "nice people" is the result of incompetence of my school staff.
Heck, I sat at the front of the class and kept complaining that I couldn't see the writing on the chalkboard, and asked my teachers to write with thicker lines. I was always chastised for being "disruptive". It never occurred to ANY of them that I needed glasses.
Teachers are not psychologists. They are not trained to deal with this stuff. I'd assume things are better today than they were 35 years ago, but still...
I really hope these revelations lead to healing for you, it absolutely sucks to end up like this but you're not alone, I see things have been getting better and those like this are slowly organizing and getting an actual voice in the world, instead of the old rotten psychiatry seeing people as a problem to solve or hide out of sight.
Wish you well, Skoon 💜