The last couple of weeks have been like I've been in a bubble, I feel so insanely ill, I sleep poorly, eat poorly and do almost nothing all day because I feel terrible apathy and loss of strength, it's so hard to even get out of bed, and the fact that I had to pick up my cat's ashes yesterday after she was cremated is just too much to bear.
It's such a weird feeling when you walk into a vet clinic with a living, breathing creature that loved you and that you loved back, and eventually you come out with a jar with her remains and without her...

It also kills me that I have a huge debt for the fact that she was in intensive care, and I also need to pay for the apartment with money that I don't have.. I feel myself like a shit.
Why does some kind of fucked-up thing happen to me from year to year, what did I deserve all this for, and why can't I just finally be happy

I am terribly sorry that I keep many of my customers waiting because of my terrible state of health... I'm sorry that I feel so bad.. I understand that I need to go to the doctor too, but I simply don't have any money for it and in the end I just eat myself up in endless apathy...

I just wanna be happy... I can't stop crying...