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I don't know who I am.
a year ago
General
I don't know who I am.
I don't know what I am.
I don't know what I want to be.
I don't know where I want to be.
It feels like I'm a different person for every single person I talk to. Nothing about me feels consistent or right. I feel like I've tried to cater myself to what others enjoy so maybe they'll like me a little bit more. And yet, the weirdest part of that feeling is the fact that I just... like so many things and want to enjoy so many things that I end up talking to one friend about X thing, another about Y, another about Z... and I guess having to juggle so many "selves" has reached a sort of breaking point.
I find myself envious of people who only like just one or two things, and they're able to build a community around them. They build meaningful connections and friendships, they have a charisma about them, and they don't need to worry about how one aspect of them will be offputting to another section. Maybe having this gallery at all was a bad idea. I know just how much people loved seeing Grynn pregnant or fat, and the moment I deviated into other territories that i love just as much (or even more in some cases), the audience vanished with it. I tried to experiment with profile play, to... get away from the dreadful sense of fragmentation, but it only ended up fragmenting my friendships and connections even further.
Now, I just don't know what to do anymore.
Some people talk to me because they like Arctus. Some people talk to me because they like GRN1. Some people talk to me because they like my inflation stuff. Some people talk to me because they like my fat stuff. Some people talk to me because they like my macro stuff. Some people talk to me because they like mpreg stuff. I end up juggling so many iterations of myself for different people to the point where I don't know where one starts and another begins. I feel lost in my identity, and scared that despite knowing deep down in my heart that I genuinely do enjoy all of these things, if I were to deviate from any of those and try to be a different self than what that person expressly hopes of me, then I'll be destroying whatever connections I have in the process.
The same thing applies to real life. I have many interests. I've had aspirations, and I'm quick to become passionate about topics I never once gave thought to before in my life. Yet when I stop and try to plan the trajectory of my life and where I see myself in the future, I end up... stalled. I'm scared of moving forward and making the wrong decision. I'm scared of failing and not getting a second chance. I'm scared of trying to follow a passion only to realize that something else would've been even more special and important to me. I feel like a chameleon blending into everything I touch to the point where none of me is even real at this point, and I don't know how to shake this feeling or become tangible to reality again.
Almost everyone will most likely ignore all of this, and that's fine. It's a big wall of text which more or less amounts to a bunch of aimless whining and yapping about nothing, but I just... I wish I knew how to consolidate these little shards of myself into a full being without losing what makes those little pieces meaningful to me. I wish I could be normal. I wish I could be dedicated to a few smaller things so I could have a larger stake in the things that I love. I tried to live that fantasy and it failed spectacularly. Everyone else has this calling, what drives them towards certain likes and wants and needs. Everyone else has this raison d'etre and the Freudian ego to contain all of it. I don't know how to define myself.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know what I am.
I don't know what I want to be.
I don't know where I want to be.
It feels like I'm a different person for every single person I talk to. Nothing about me feels consistent or right. I feel like I've tried to cater myself to what others enjoy so maybe they'll like me a little bit more. And yet, the weirdest part of that feeling is the fact that I just... like so many things and want to enjoy so many things that I end up talking to one friend about X thing, another about Y, another about Z... and I guess having to juggle so many "selves" has reached a sort of breaking point.
I find myself envious of people who only like just one or two things, and they're able to build a community around them. They build meaningful connections and friendships, they have a charisma about them, and they don't need to worry about how one aspect of them will be offputting to another section. Maybe having this gallery at all was a bad idea. I know just how much people loved seeing Grynn pregnant or fat, and the moment I deviated into other territories that i love just as much (or even more in some cases), the audience vanished with it. I tried to experiment with profile play, to... get away from the dreadful sense of fragmentation, but it only ended up fragmenting my friendships and connections even further.
Now, I just don't know what to do anymore.
Some people talk to me because they like Arctus. Some people talk to me because they like GRN1. Some people talk to me because they like my inflation stuff. Some people talk to me because they like my fat stuff. Some people talk to me because they like my macro stuff. Some people talk to me because they like mpreg stuff. I end up juggling so many iterations of myself for different people to the point where I don't know where one starts and another begins. I feel lost in my identity, and scared that despite knowing deep down in my heart that I genuinely do enjoy all of these things, if I were to deviate from any of those and try to be a different self than what that person expressly hopes of me, then I'll be destroying whatever connections I have in the process.
The same thing applies to real life. I have many interests. I've had aspirations, and I'm quick to become passionate about topics I never once gave thought to before in my life. Yet when I stop and try to plan the trajectory of my life and where I see myself in the future, I end up... stalled. I'm scared of moving forward and making the wrong decision. I'm scared of failing and not getting a second chance. I'm scared of trying to follow a passion only to realize that something else would've been even more special and important to me. I feel like a chameleon blending into everything I touch to the point where none of me is even real at this point, and I don't know how to shake this feeling or become tangible to reality again.
Almost everyone will most likely ignore all of this, and that's fine. It's a big wall of text which more or less amounts to a bunch of aimless whining and yapping about nothing, but I just... I wish I knew how to consolidate these little shards of myself into a full being without losing what makes those little pieces meaningful to me. I wish I could be normal. I wish I could be dedicated to a few smaller things so I could have a larger stake in the things that I love. I tried to live that fantasy and it failed spectacularly. Everyone else has this calling, what drives them towards certain likes and wants and needs. Everyone else has this raison d'etre and the Freudian ego to contain all of it. I don't know how to define myself.
I don't know who I am.
I like you for you, and I also like sharing my inflation-y passion with you. It doesn't mean I think that's all you're into, it means it's something I can share with you. Doesn't need to be the only thing, and plenty of other fun stuff to talk about.
Don't try and narrow yourself down. Embrace that it's okay to be a lot of things.
People are complicated and complex and like various things with various people at various times. It doesn't make you weird, if anything it makes you more normal than you realize. <3
It's hard to see myself as normal, but it seems to be something a lot of folks have been saying as well. To me, I envy folks like you who know what you love and stick to it. For years and years, you've shown your love for inflation and pooltoys, and you've built an identity for yourself around that. When people chat with you, they already have a decent idea of what to expect and how to connect, whereas I'm... all over the place with everything I like. Sometimes I wish for that sort of consistency to share with others instead of being an amorphous blob of tangled interests and likes.
If things don't work out, you tried. You learned something and you can either move on or try again. It can feel overwhelming, it just means you need more time to process it.
A piece of advice I can give, have all your "selves" talk to each other. May sound insane, but keeping all your parts in direct communication with each other is an amazing way to have each of them remain individually special while working together to be one whole person. And be sure to include all the parts about yourself that you don't like as well. How? Keep a journal for each of them to chat, write stories about them in which you let them develop together, perhaps meditate with that purpose. You might even want to start with literally audibly talking to them, if only to get your mind used to the idea at first. There's many ways to approach it.
Though the best advice I can give is to realize there's no such thing as normal. Being normal is a futile endeavor, and the desire to be normal leads to nothing but misery.
Good luck!
For more detailed information, I'd suggest you look up Shadow Work (which despite the name it's NOT some sort of witchcraft or paranormal practice, but rather psychological exercises).
The only suggestion I can give for talking with people is slowly seeing if you're connected to others in more than one thing.
I'm pretty horrible at attempting pep talks, so I have no clue whether this is even good advice or if I'm being an idiot again.
As for real life...that one hits home a lot. It's really not easy to take a step forward and take a chance, it can be downright terrifying. But it's a step you have to take at some point in your life, a step all of us have to take.
This reads as if somebody is unsure how to please everyone. You can't, it is not possible. Certain things are always bound to contradict the interest of others even where it would be an overlap of interest to others as well.
You instead should focus on pleasing yourself and the people with genuine interest will come to you. It might not be immediate, it might be gradual. But at the very least, you would be true to yourself, and that is beautiful and would feel more worthwhile.
Being true to yourself, and not juggling "Shards" of a whole, is better than being needlessly divided. Maybe not everyone will like that and will shy away, but if people are that shallow, then who needs those people? You owe it to yourself to have self respect and pursue your interest because that is what you like.
I'd be willing to talk with you, and maybe we won't have every single interest as each other, but I still love hearing and seeing the passion of others. So don't be so hard on yourself, okay?
Maybe... if anything, it's less pleasing others and more censoring myself. Knowing someone likes one thing and focusing as much as I can in that while pushing all the other parts of me back. I find myself self-censoring around folks as I learn what they like and don't, and I justify it by the sheer range of interests that I have. It's much, much easier in my head to regulate myself instead of hoping to find someone who comes closer to matching my range. Conversations feel more personal if we share something intimate that I know they enjoy, and those conversations mean a lot to me.
The last thing I would ever want to do is make someone uncomfortable by pushing things they dislike onto them.
But I relate to what you're saying at least. You're not "something not normal"; these thoughts of yours are perfectly normal. But community is a weird and malleable thing. And with how certain things have changed on the platform, some things just might be a bit more fickle than they used to be. At least, that is how I'm looking at it.
And to be fair, you've done nothing wrong. I think for your mental health it could be better to just fully be yourself rather than fragment who you are. And if somebody is uncomfortable with some things, they should communicate it, but likewise, you should be able to do the same for them.
But even say, I maybe not like everything I see in a gallery? "That doesn't mean YOU shouldn't be passionate. I rather you express that passion openly or even around me rather than be shy about it. That is just how an honest friendship works." I wouldn't want you to censor yourself or feel the need to.
Sorry if this text is a bit cluttered, I genuinely do wish you the best.
Also even if you can't commit to all those scattered interests no harm in just indulging in them idly. I'm not a farmer but for some reason I've been hyper fixating on Hydroponic farming??? Do I know why I'm doing this? absolutely not but it's just been fun to indulge the brain in random research and knowledge. The mind has an endless hunger for stimulation for all sorts after all.
Anyway point being you are you I hope you have folks in your life or that you find folks that will accept each and every bit of ya. I hope you come to terms and appreciate yourself and may you continue to strive towards your goals not giving in to that doubt.
I've been burned a lot in the past for being "too annoying" or "too much" for other people to handle, so I often push back parts of myself to be more reasonable or appealing to others to talk to and be around. I want to be close to others and I want to connect with others, so the last thing I want is to come off as obnoxious and hard to talk to, or being a weirdo into weird things they dislike.
"By trying to please everyone, you're pleasing to no one."
Do what you like to do. Don't feel forced to make art depending on people's liking. If you want to build a community, let it build by itself by making what you like. Some will appreciate it, and others will be less receptive.
For example, I do like Grynn in some BDSM/Bondage scenario. Yet, despite not being really interested in things like inflation, I won't stop following you because of it. Why? Because I still enjoy your character, and I've been a part of the '"invisible mass" for a long time. The people following you or commenting here are the minority. The majority won't talk, or rarely. They will watch and enjoy what you're sharing with them.
Like you, I have a lot of different characters. (I didn't post for a while, though, but still.) It's my choice to make artwork with them. I don't try to please everyone with this because it's an impossible task. I do what I like to do when I want to do it.
Ultimately, it's your character; you're his owner. We are not. Enjoy making art you like to see, and don't worry about the others. Enjoy the positive comments, and stay what you are.
I like your art and your characters, and I'm not expecting you to begin to make art that follows my liking or from anyone else. Your gallery is not a bad idea. I still enjoy having a look at it. :)
> Yet when I stop and try to plan the trajectory of my life and where I see myself in the future, I end up... stalled. I'm scared of moving forward and making the wrong decision.
I feel you on that one. Sometimes, it's nice to look in at yourself in the future, but it can be very overwhelming. There are so many unknown variables that you can only make some slight guesses. Don't feel scared about making the wrong decision. You can always walk back on your track. I think that what you have is a fear of the unknown. A fear that, by doing such a thing, it won't go well or as you planned. It's part of adventuring in the unknown. But making wrong decisions is part of life itself.
I failed a lot of things in my life and missed a couple of opportunities. Do I regret it? Not that much. It's those things that made me what I am now. They let me meet people that I would've never met otherwise. Don't be scared about it because there will almost always be another way for you to get your second chance. You can do it too! :)
TL;DR: Don't feel bad about this. Do what you like for yourself, not for the others. Don't be scared of making a wrong decision. There are always new possibilities, even after a "bad decision.". Be yourself, and most importantly, Stay awesome! :)
I'm envious of the folks who know what they like and can stick to it. People know what to expect with them, they know what they're about, and can connect that way. For me, I feel like I have to compartmentalize myself because there's not a single person who will genuinely be able to enjoy every single thing that I do in the same way that someone who only likes one kink or one thing can.
As for a fear of the unknown, I'm almost certain that's part of it. Being afraid of not getting another chance if you make a mistake, or making a mistake so large that everything changes for good and there's no coming back from it.
I don't really have any advice to give, but sometimes it just helps to know that you're not alone in feeling that way, you know?