(I’ll delete this later due to feeling embarrassed about being personal on the internet..)

So.. earlier this year, after talking to my doctor about how I’ve felt chronically fatigued for the past few years.. it didn’t matter if I got 8 or 10 hours of sleep, I’d be so tired I’d need a nap to try to recoup and somehow function. I also struggle with chronic spine/ lower back pain as well as hip pain.. So we decided to run some blood tests to rule things out and get to the bottom of what’s going on with my body, I’ve never had so many vials of blood taken at once so I was a little surprised. I waited a few days for a few texts of my results stating things were ‘normal’, but had a feeling something didn’t feel right due to not receiving them.

Eventually I get a call from my doctor who asked if I was home and sitting down as it would be quite a long call. And in my gut I knew it would be something quite serious. We talk away and I can hear the hesitation in his voice as he goes through my results with great care. He talks about how there’s elevated proteins in my blood, as well as elevated light chains, which can be an indicator of cancer/ multiple myeloma. I take medical things well in terms of news due to being desensitised after many surgeries and appointments in my life. So I said I wasn’t shocked by the news, and that I’ll take a day at a time. He said we’ll continue to take precautions in figuring out if there’s any signs of things showing physically in my body. I had different scans, most didn’t show anything like lesions or tumours.. I had an enlarged liver but apparently that was nothing to worry about?

I had a check up again recently, and things are still the same. I’ve still got elevated proteins and light chains, and I’m told anything can change at any moment.. so I’m still being kept on the books to have check ups every few months. And I’m advised to let them know if anything changes or feels different. Honestly I’m exhausted, and disheartened my body is in so much pain constantly with no solid results indicating what’s causing it, but I do my best to keep up with my commission queue.

I just wanted to be transparent for a moment, I’m also trying to work on my commissions at a decent and healthy pace. My mental health hasn’t been the best since… gods know, I struggle with living honestly. Life just feels so challenging and bleak with everything. Most of the time I don’t feel like I want continue living due to the many challenging aspect in my life. And being a carer on top of it all is incredibly exhausting.

Thank you for reading, I’ll be continuing to post art whenever I finish them. I’m very, very grateful for those who commission me and support me, you’re keeping my rent paid, getting me groceries and paying for my driving lessons. (I hope I can snag my license before the end of the year.. with any luck)