Another life update, I guess.

First, my current life situation is much better now. I'm more financially stable and I've grown my social circle, hopefully enough to help me gather more life stability over the next five years. I'm talking about potential roommates and mental/financial/social support. I'm much more calmer in my mind and I don't feel the need to rush game development anymore, although I did a lot of work on it and added a crazy amount of features, it's no longer "the" one single shot I have left in my life. Good thing the online part of the game is "done", for the most part, and the remaining part of it is story/worldbuilding, which I know I can take at my own pace.

Right now I'm taking a long, well-deserved break from this entire thing. I'm so fucking tired of the stress, holy shit, contemplating every day whether I did the right or the wrong thing by continuing my little project and believing in it. Suppressing my emotions up until I couldn't anymore, breaking down, holding on to my partner for dear life, and then finally coming to terms with and understanding what I really want out of life. I don't know. The game was all I had when I left my home country, it's what I felt passionate about, and I didn't know who or where else to go. But I got over that part. I am a person, I have my physical needs, I have my desires for comfort. I know what I want out of people to feel at ease. I get it. The rational part of my brain gets it.

But emotionally is where things are turning up and down. Okay. So if you've known me, spoken to me or gotten to know me, over any period over the past ten years, you know that I can be an emotional type of person. I can be fairly chill in conversations until there's something that doesn't apparently sit right to me, and one day out of the blue I just fucking explode. Trust me, I don't even understand why myself, and all the burned bridges remind me with guilt anyways. But whatever. I just thought it was part of my personality that this is just how I function. And to be honest, I thought I had it under control over the past few years having relied on the game. I mean, I worked on the game, day and night, and I didn't have space to freak out about inconsequential imaginary problem #12315553. RIGHT?

Okay, well, things have changed from an event. So about that roommate. It is a player from my game that I got to know since a year ago. I met them a week ago in their country, Spain. And we were very comfortable with each others, with consent and all. But more than that, I relied on them in real life. It was really strange. It was a feeling of natural comfort that I didn't have to think twice about. Instead of constantly being worried and in a state of panic, this time, I had no reason at all to feel anything but comfort. I can't overstate what a foreign state of mind that was. I could just ask for help, ask for attention, ask for guidance, and it was there. Blissful.

The problems came when I returned home. What a fucking disaster. Suddenly I was jerked back in to the cold harsh climate, back to an even more foreign land (I know Spanish, not Estonian), back to 'the slums' (as a passenger next to me called it). I thought it was supposed to be home where I felt safe, that I had my partner, that things were figured out. And my rational part of the brain thought so. And as the night fell and I was ready to sleep, I got the gift of a fucking psychosis panic attack. What the fuck?

This never happened to me. I never lost control like that, hearing hallucinations and questioning the fabric of reality and whether I was going insane or not. That was a completely awful experience. But thankfully, my partner held me until I was okay, and then I was okay. But that shit shook me to the core. I struggled to understand why this happened. Why. I had tried to practice my mindset to put aside my emotions and being in control. And then it failed me out of nowhere. I thought about it. A lot. I had sleepless nights again. A lot. I whine about insomnia on Twitter. That's when my brain is active, I just can't get myself to rest and I just think of the worst anxieties imaginable.

But anyways. I figured it was something about the lost sense of comfort. I missed it to a painful degree. And it made sense. If I had never felt comfort to this degree in real life up until now, so of course my brain is going to react in a new manner as it's quite literally under-stimulated neurons firing for the first time, perhaps ever. And of course, if these neurons gets pulled back to default mode, it'll stab me in a way I never would've predicted. It's a life-long social stress that just had the equivalent of a blinding flashbang. Ugh. Okay. And this evoked even more questions - what now? I thought my life was getting in order, but apparently not. I thought I had my rational mind to rely on at all times, but no. So I'll have to restart and tackle the actual problem in my life. Which is the dreaded social part: Fear. Social anxiety. Fear of people. Fear of eyes. Over-sensitivity. Delusional thinking of others. Fear of abandonment. Outbursts of emotions.

Sure sounds like BPD, doesn't it?

My sister has that. My future roommate told me it's obvious I have it. I guess I'll go get it checked out at a doctor. I thought it was just part of me. I mean it is part of me. But maybe it doesn't have to be this destructive to me. I thought it was just a flaw. But it makes sense to think this way. I never wanted it, I never wanted to yell at people, I never wanted to feel hurt and abandoned. I never, ever wanted to feel fearful of being alone. And yet it felt like reality for so many years. Fuck, I almost can't believe this thing has a name. Whatever. I don't want ten years more of this, so I'll have to figure this out now, picking all the pieces up. That, or I won't ever have a peaceful life.