It's mah birffday. I'm getting oooold.

It's that time of year for me. It kinda feels weirder and weirder the older I get.

Somewhat recently I've been kinda of unpacking some stuff in my head that happened a while ago. Recent chats with some friends who'd experienced some of it along with me (as well as some surprising sources) brought it about. It's interesting to think of the things that I tolerated under the misguided concept of loyalty and very low self-esteem.

I typed up over 5 pages that was a retrospective on what I experienced both internally and from external sources. It was cathartic. I've decided to cut that though. I would much rather put out some good vibes and be thankful for the great things in my life and that I've at least had the ability to learn from my past mistakes.

I was very unhappy for a while and I struggled bad with various waves of low self-esteem, and it was part of the reason that I had retracted into my own small bubble for a long time. Barely posting stuff and not feeling well enough to bother because of various issues I let pile up. I'd try to convince myself that I was happy and confident with things, but I really knew that I wasn't. I just never did anything to really fix it.

Life is turning out to be pretty awesome.

Life's been a bit of a wild ride at times. I came from a troubled childhood and I had to figure out how to be an adult on my own. I've managed to reestablish a great relationship with my father after the damage my mother did to destroy it along with the misery of my stepfather.

I was in some very dark places for a while. I felt inadequate and I had no idea what I was doing with myself. I felt lost.

I find myself now with a great job and financial stability. It's a fucking blessing. The job already loves me, and I love this job. This is the best I've felt in a long time about making a living. Being able to get off the commission treadmill has actually been liberating. I thought it was the key to my happiness, and it was fun, but I couldn't handle it, and the fun turned to stress. There's a lot of things I definitely could have done better, but I'm able to go forward fixing all of that and turning my art back into a pure passion I can do at my own pace.

I am thankful that I have many great friends both IRL and online. I know that I won't feel pressured, or raged at, about things I don't want to do and/or can't do, or even if I do something stupid.

I've been coming out of my shell. I'm gettin out and doing things I didn't before. I'm going to more meets, I'm meeting new people. I'm having fun with no pressure put upon me to do so.

I'm thankful that I have my good health and fitness. I've been going to the gym, trying to stay fit. I'm probably in the best shape of my life now. Pizza tho... I love pizza.

I have a lot of supportive folks online who'd loved and supported my work. They've put up with my slowness and dumbness, constantly telling me not to feel sorry about it. I still feel terrible for how long I've made some folks wait. I'm sorry I fell off so hard with posting my work as well.

Seriously, you all are fucking awesome and I often don't feel like I've deserved all the kindness.

It's amazing how much of my anxiety is just GONE over the last year with all of this long behind me.

I'm a goofy fuck. I know that I am. I don't think I'm anything special, by any means. It'd often be argued to, that other people, namely furries, were "beneath me." (Talked up as a special person until I'm apparently horrible) I'm just a regular guy, a silly furry myself, trying to make his way through life like so many other people on this planet. I've made a lot of mistakes along the way and I have my regrets, but with those comes experience that I should learn from, what to look out for and how to be a better person; to be a better -ME-, not someone else's idea of what I should be.

I want to be clear here that I don't want anyone to feel bad for what I may have gone through. We all have our life journey. We all have had our ups and downs. There are people out there who have certainly dealt with far, far worse than I have. I've come out of the last several years learning a lot. I feel better having moved on and being able to have the time to process everything. The realizations and courage to deal with it once and for all came far later than it really should have, but it's better late than never.

I feel like I'm reinventing myself. I'm still very much a work-in-progress. I have a lot to do still but, I feel great. Bumps in the road may certainly come again, but I feel at least better prepared than in the past.

Seriously though. Thank you all.