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Game making vent of sorts...
3 months ago
General
This might just be nicotine withdrawal speaking as a bout of random moodiness possibly because I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, despite not really feeling tired.
But shit that I've had in my mind lately is that I feel like I'm on the verge of just "giving up" on the game making shit. Not outright giving up but I just don't think I'm going to bother really advertising or putting stuff out anymore.
I'm not intending to go silent on the Internet, quite the contrary! I've been overall feeling great and feeling like I can actually come out of my shell, be more active and such again.
I think I'm just going to accept a "defeat" on this whole game endeavor and stop wasting my time screaming into the void. I just feel like what I want to make is not what people want and to make something I feel like people would want - within or without furry - I would be a form of "selling my soul" and not making something I really want. I'd like to compromise within reason, but I honestly feel expected to just make a porn or fetish focused game (((which I get asked about way too many times))) in order to get support, or just drop furry bait and make a normie game. Neither of which I really want to do right now.
NOTE: I'm not trying to disparage people into those kinda of games... at all. If that's what you like, rock on. I just don't find NSFW games fun, at best, it's distracting, at worst, it's frustrating when the gameplay loop is constantly disrupted with long pauses.... for things.... Obviously, these things have a market. People like'em. That's cool.
So I kind of don't know where to go from here on it. It could be a product of overthinking and burnout. Someone I talk to suggested it's burnout. But I don't know I was feeling inspired to do the beat'em up change over...Then I kind of hit a wall.
A wall of overthinking on what to cut and what to keep. The fact that I spent years refining a fighting game system, to now just table it for "later" because "not enough people like it" in my head. I think in all of this, along with other stuff in my life, I think I accept now that this will never be anything more than a hobby for me, this will go nowhere. I'm to inconsistent to get shit out and monetize it in anyway, and the support I DID get wasn't enough to help make it sustainable. A lot of this was because I split my focus way too much with some other life shit and too many coms. I've been gradually restructuring myself and a lot of shit is honestly going fantastic IRL... but I'm looking at my game shit now... and I'm feeling stressed out over it, when everything else seems to be shaping up. My escapism isn't fun anymore. That stress isn't worth it for what I don't honestly think matters if I make or don't make it.
What I want to do, inherently has no value in the greater scheme of things. and I think I'm finally accepting that. I'm no business man. I just wanna make some shit I find fun.
I know that all of this is self-inflicted. I wanna do things too big. I sank a lot of passion and effort into my animations for this shit. I wanna make something awesome, but I think I really need to perhaps, start a lot lot smaller or something. No idea!
I might just put the unfinished shit I did make, out for free, and leave it at that for a while and see how I feel later on it.
Maybe in the future I'll make some NSFW game. I have no idea. I really don't. I'm just not stressing over this anymore.
The patreon may be repurposed, it may go away, but I've been canceling billing cycles for long enough where I might as well disable it, and come back to it when I feel ready.
There are just other more important things I'm still focused on, but this fall is looking to be great. So, I'm not killing myself over this kind of stuff anymore until I have "the spoons" to assess it.
But shit that I've had in my mind lately is that I feel like I'm on the verge of just "giving up" on the game making shit. Not outright giving up but I just don't think I'm going to bother really advertising or putting stuff out anymore.
I'm not intending to go silent on the Internet, quite the contrary! I've been overall feeling great and feeling like I can actually come out of my shell, be more active and such again.
I think I'm just going to accept a "defeat" on this whole game endeavor and stop wasting my time screaming into the void. I just feel like what I want to make is not what people want and to make something I feel like people would want - within or without furry - I would be a form of "selling my soul" and not making something I really want. I'd like to compromise within reason, but I honestly feel expected to just make a porn or fetish focused game (((which I get asked about way too many times))) in order to get support, or just drop furry bait and make a normie game. Neither of which I really want to do right now.
NOTE: I'm not trying to disparage people into those kinda of games... at all. If that's what you like, rock on. I just don't find NSFW games fun, at best, it's distracting, at worst, it's frustrating when the gameplay loop is constantly disrupted with long pauses.... for things.... Obviously, these things have a market. People like'em. That's cool.
So I kind of don't know where to go from here on it. It could be a product of overthinking and burnout. Someone I talk to suggested it's burnout. But I don't know I was feeling inspired to do the beat'em up change over...Then I kind of hit a wall.
A wall of overthinking on what to cut and what to keep. The fact that I spent years refining a fighting game system, to now just table it for "later" because "not enough people like it" in my head. I think in all of this, along with other stuff in my life, I think I accept now that this will never be anything more than a hobby for me, this will go nowhere. I'm to inconsistent to get shit out and monetize it in anyway, and the support I DID get wasn't enough to help make it sustainable. A lot of this was because I split my focus way too much with some other life shit and too many coms. I've been gradually restructuring myself and a lot of shit is honestly going fantastic IRL... but I'm looking at my game shit now... and I'm feeling stressed out over it, when everything else seems to be shaping up. My escapism isn't fun anymore. That stress isn't worth it for what I don't honestly think matters if I make or don't make it.
What I want to do, inherently has no value in the greater scheme of things. and I think I'm finally accepting that. I'm no business man. I just wanna make some shit I find fun.
I know that all of this is self-inflicted. I wanna do things too big. I sank a lot of passion and effort into my animations for this shit. I wanna make something awesome, but I think I really need to perhaps, start a lot lot smaller or something. No idea!
I might just put the unfinished shit I did make, out for free, and leave it at that for a while and see how I feel later on it.
Maybe in the future I'll make some NSFW game. I have no idea. I really don't. I'm just not stressing over this anymore.
The patreon may be repurposed, it may go away, but I've been canceling billing cycles for long enough where I might as well disable it, and come back to it when I feel ready.
There are just other more important things I'm still focused on, but this fall is looking to be great. So, I'm not killing myself over this kind of stuff anymore until I have "the spoons" to assess it.
Also, good on you for quitting smoking, the best of luck to keep to it. I hear it can help to have another oral fixation, like chewing gum or ice. Avoiding too much stress is a big thing as well, something I also contend with to not go back to my own past vice.
as for the game stuff, yeah, it very well could just been a lot of little things leading up and I think I need to just like... chill and step back for a lil while.
Take a step back and shift gears, that works for me, that's one of the reasons why I do not draw year-around.. well that and my busy work schedule. But it also helps to branch out into other creative fields to prevent burnout, whatever works for you. owo
As for the game thing, I had something similar happen. Wanted to make a comic, but after years of passion and grind while working ludicrous hours at a demanding/ draining job, I just don't feel it anymore. It's little more than a hobby now. At the very least, im in a position to pick it up again in ernest if I decide to.
As for making what other people want, thats tough. Just make what you want. If people like it, they'll let you know. If not, at least you had fun.
But on the topic on the journal, I do think it was a combo of burnout, withdrawral, and less than ideal sleep last night. As the evening went on, even as I was typing up this journal, it kinda started to click and that yeah, maybe I just need to chill, take a break, probs will just put out the shit I did so far, unfinished and all and just let it be whatever for the time being.
That being said, changing your vision of the game to appeal to a general audience will most likely take away from the game itself and further reduce your investment into it. Ultimately, the best thing you can do for your game is to figure out not what appeals at a surface level, but what appeals at a mechanical level, and figure out the best way to execute that in a way that feels engaging and good. Appealing to specific audiences (i.e. furries, beat-em-up enjoyers, etc.) as an extra bit would make your game stand out!
sorry if this response is a little all over the place, I wanted to take the time to give the best feedback and I'm not sure if this is quite it, haha
As for game making I also wish the best on that, I think its burnout. I am someone who takes on too many big projects at once and wants to make them but over time ive learned to do one at a time at a reasonable pace and do smaller projects similar to what i want to do and its helped a lot.
If I can suggest an idea if you still want to make games why not repurpose the game into a smaller project? Switch genres and such, now im not fully into the coding side if things but i would imagen a decent amount of code can be reused and help jumpstart the new project.
Also on the topic of making a game not a fetish/nsfw game god i feel that, I wanna make a game but worry it might be called a vore game which i do not want. Had to cut ideas out I thought were great to avoid that.
Removed this from the gameplans because i didnt want the game to be tied to vore. Its surprisingly hard to remove some fetish stuff from games besides going "is this remotely related to X thing im worried about? If so remove it"
I do feel a lot better now, but I think my point still stands that I'm going to "free" myself of any expectations or whatever and just make some shit I find fun, and I'll try to find ways to skim things out. Where I stay fighter. Move to beat'em up or a little of both.
I think this a great mindset to have and i still wish you the best.