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A personal update
9 months ago
This year, my partner and I decided to go our separate ways. For a long time, we held it together with a vision for the life we were building, but in the end it became clear it just wasn’t going to work. And so I’m left with all these loose ends to make sense of.
Naturally, I’ve been thinking about endings a lot lately. And how we hold onto things even when they’ve already let go of us. There’s a sentiment I first heard from David Foster Wallace (who I quote way too often to be mistaken as well-adjusted):
“You get to decide what has meaning.”
Which is equal parts affirming and terrifying. Yay, I’m in charge of my own existential narrative. But also… fuck. I’m in charge of my own existential narrative. If I’ve got to decide what meaning all those years had, then I can’t let it just be disappointment. I made some really good memories with her, and of course those are worth holding onto, as memories. I started 2024 with the sense that it was going to be the year. The year I get the house, the fancy industry job, and maybe even that engagement finally happens. Instead it was a firm reminder that life isn’t beholden to your plans, whatever effort you put in. Maybe that’s still okay. Endings are beginnings, too.
So I’m moving on as best I can. Trying not to assign meaning to things that don’t have any, and reinvesting in things that do. Like art and friends and looking for animals in the woods. Fundamentals, you know. And we’ll see what the next chapter holds.
Thanks for being on this journey with me.
Naturally, I’ve been thinking about endings a lot lately. And how we hold onto things even when they’ve already let go of us. There’s a sentiment I first heard from David Foster Wallace (who I quote way too often to be mistaken as well-adjusted):
“You get to decide what has meaning.”
Which is equal parts affirming and terrifying. Yay, I’m in charge of my own existential narrative. But also… fuck. I’m in charge of my own existential narrative. If I’ve got to decide what meaning all those years had, then I can’t let it just be disappointment. I made some really good memories with her, and of course those are worth holding onto, as memories. I started 2024 with the sense that it was going to be the year. The year I get the house, the fancy industry job, and maybe even that engagement finally happens. Instead it was a firm reminder that life isn’t beholden to your plans, whatever effort you put in. Maybe that’s still okay. Endings are beginnings, too.
So I’m moving on as best I can. Trying not to assign meaning to things that don’t have any, and reinvesting in things that do. Like art and friends and looking for animals in the woods. Fundamentals, you know. And we’ll see what the next chapter holds.
Thanks for being on this journey with me.
<insert some deep, meaningful words that while not life-changing, are soul-touching right here>
And being in charge of your narrative gives one far more power than one realizes.
I hope the next year is better for you.
I hadn't checked up on your gallery in a while -- you've been getting some amazing work. That Sidal outfit is insanely good.
I went on an art splurge during the pandemic. Unfortunately life has been difficult of late and I had to stop. I'd like to continue getting some when life improves.
While it was probably always doomed to fail, there were SO many things we were both on the same page about. We had so many wonderful times.
So it goes. It was her prerogative to decide her future for herself, and I would always support that.
I hope things will go better for you soon :(
Like everyone else, I wish you the best!
Can't believe we've been around for all this time. ;)
This year is claiming lives and relationships and there's not a darned thing we can do about it. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't experienced the highs and lows myself. I'm looking at a relationship I thought would last the rest of my life grind to a halt (not to say I hadn't foreseen it coming, er, going).
I wish you the best and hope you find the strength to continue making your art.
That's really sad news. I wish you all the strength in the world going through that relationship. It seems impossible to appreciate what you have while you still have it.
I can promise, the art will continue.
I cannot say I've went through the same events, same situation, same pain, same confusion. But I CAN say I do understand it completely, maybe more than you'd expect from a stranger.
I could say "Sorry to hear that" "I hope it gets better" "It'll work out" all that stupid word candy, but I get it doesn't help, words empty meant to please, it doesn't fix or even help make sense of what you go through. Its not explaining how to think about the ending, one where you thought it was going to be one you could cherish and celebrate you made it there, but instead need to rethink about all the moments you had.
I do feel sorry, and I wish I could comfort you but I know hearing it doesn't mean anything.
The only thing I can leave you is you to know you are understood, and maybe one idea how to approach the meaning of everything.
That approach is make it simple, don't think too much what it truly means, it is a moment that happened, one that exists in you for as long as you can immortalize it. How it felt is what it should mean, even emotions we usually consider 'bad'. It doesn't make it feel less painful, but it does make it feel like it wasn't in vein.
I hope you do well... just in general, be it tomorrow or the next few years from this. I can't offer much, but I hope it helps you feel understood.
And I wish you a massive Merry Christmas.
I wish you the best and can say that there is joy beyond the moment you are experiencing. There are reasons to go on.
Funny enough I did read a lot of philosophy and settled on a similar sentiment from Viktor Frankl (who you definitely should read if you haven't). Life is always worth living and finding the right "why" will help you endure the "how."
I've only heard Frankl's name before, but never read his philosophy. A cursory search tells me this might be a good time to do just that...
While I've got you, I also wanted to mention you commission some amazing stuff. Seeing Robin show up in a new piece always makes my day brighter.
I have already taken a lot of steps and am on calm terms with my ex. I realize now that my value is something beyond a relationship with another person.
Also thank you <3
It isn’t me but the artists who bring Robin to life! I’m just the patron X3
And I’ve followed you for a very long time! I love your casual nude scenes and the happy, relaxed expressions of your OCs.
I always felt that if any of us would find our way through everything it would be you, and this doesn't change that.
Most of us can expect to live 70 years in this life. Life is, indeed, short, and it goes by so very fast, which is all the more reason to live life to the fullest and on your own terms. No one wasting away on their death bed has ever wished that they had lived their life according to someone else's terms.
Sorry to hear about what you're going through, Kalahari. I hope to see a post from you one day where you're in a much better place and describing to us how amazing your life is and how happy you are.
Best of luck anyway, these feelings blow but they fade. Hope you have good holidays.
I look forward to seeing more art form ya, you are one of my biggest inspirations in my own work
And I think this still holds a lot of meaning for anything that passes in time. Nothing is a permanent fixture in our lives, we can either dwell on what we lost or we can appreciate the time we had. Like, you can still mourn, but more that as you said, you have friends and art who could continue to share experiences with, remembering the past fondly.
I stopped looking for those type of relationships and have been pretty laissez faire about it and more, I will just do things I enjoy and make the most of things rather than worrying about those sort of things. If they happen, they happen, if they don't don't. Life is about the journey, aye?
But, I think you definitely got the right idea there.
Yes, it hurts that it ended... but it can indeed be a new beginning.
There is still a lot of life left, and it comes with many surprises.
I'm confident you still have many great things coming.
In the meantime, I appreciate having you and your art around. You've been an incredible inspiration.
Artwork is one of those things that keeps me going, so fortunately enough it's part of the healing process hah.
Lots of good advice here already, and it sounds like you're dealing with it the best way. Just take time for yourself, don't rush into a new relationship just to fill the void. Time alone can feel empty, but it's crucial to learn to be comfortable with yourself, by yourself, and re-discovering what you want.
Hang in there!
Hope 2025 brings you brighter days.
change is never easy, but remember that even the most painful decisions that we make for the greater good of every party involved's wellbeings always have a payoff in the long run, even if that light at the end of the tunnel seems bleak. just like you said, "endings are beginnings", and it looks like you're doing what you gotta do to occupy and bring yourself solace while adjusting to these changes of pace, which i absolutely commend you for.
our minds like to play tricks on us when events in our lives like these happen, and they tend to make things seem more isolating at first; that is simply not true. don't forget to lose sight of what you can still hold onto, embrace and enjoy.
"Sometimes life's just too uncertain to have regrets." - Anime Superman
for what it's worth, you're one of the most unique and creative minds i've followed ever since i started lurking this fandom almost over a decade ago. from one naked animal person to another, i'm rooting for you!
mine ended almost 24 years ago, she moved on before the divorce, and I'm still just... alone... all this time later. So I feel ya.
if you need someone to talk to, feel free to DM me
I can't help much, but if you need someone to call, feel free to DM me and I'll send ya my irl phone number.
I realized it this autumn when looking at my chats with furries from last autumn, and I started feeling incredibly sad. I feel that I disappointed all my FA watchers, my friends, and myself. I'm looking back at last year all the time, and I still kinda cannot come to terms with it, though I'm trying. The family issues getting worse don't help me with making the comeback I still want to make.
Hope you'll recover from this, and feel better as soon as possible. Because I know it can be exhausting. *big hugs*
There are only so many days in a year, and even under the best of circumstances not everything can get done. I'm really sorry about the problems at home -- that doesn't help with creative pursuits at all... Sure, watchers like it when you're pumping out artwork regularly, but if you're spread too thin then you won't be able to do the work to a standard that feels right. It's absolutely fair to allow yourself time to handle the situation at home without feeling pulled by an obligation to do artwork. There will be time for that, and it's never too late for a comeback.
I feel like a living failure, but cannot change it through just speed-drawing now everything because chronic fatigue after covid made me so tired and also all the stress...
Sorry for the venting, it's YOUR journal after all ^^' Focus on your mental wellbeing as much as you can now, don't waste any occasion to do it. Someday everything will be okay. and then even more okay :3
But i learned from that relationship, and what i learned took with me to my next one, which has been paws down my best and most satisfying relationship i've been in, leading to marriage and a contentment i didn't know possible.
So yeah, it sucks now. And you'll always remember them. But you can learn from them, both the negative and positive, and take it forward with you to use to your advantage.
...erf, sorry if i ramble. lil tipsy ^_^
Really sorry for that...
Really hope the future, whatever it may have for you... can bring you brighter days...
Others have already said everything I wanted to say but one thing always comes to my mind.
For me this part of the year always means a silent period, with pale warm friendly lights where you can reorder things in your life, look inside more, take more time on yourself. Like the nature around us, it's rest now to be able to refresh and fruit in the new year!
Wish you peaceful days Kalahari and find yourself!
Ps.:
Solstice was today, so days will be warmer and longer even if slowly.
I know the feeling, having been through this twice. =/ Give yourself time to process/grieve the ending of the relationship.
We're all here for you, as has already been mentioned.
I hope you'll still be able to come and visit us in California some time, I would love to hang out more and look for wildlife :)