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The grumpiest of times, so far! ... Chapter 1?
8 months ago
'Aluminum to me, aluminium to some. You can shine like silver all you want but you're just aluminum.' Barenaked Ladies, Aluminum
It has been a while since I put my feelings into words for people to see, more than just complaining and venting to specific friends all the time. But it has been helpful to me, in the past, to just... voice what's going on in my head and let the void hear it. If you wanna listen (read) about what actually goes on in this gryph's head, feel free, as I'm just gonna spew a bunch of psycho nonsense here and some may even make sense! Though this is all just a matter of dumping a lot of my recent thoughts and moods onto a page, not edited or filtered, just said as the thoughts rush through.
Starting off with the heavy stuff... depression. Am I depressed? Yes, I believe I am, and I believe most people are nowadays, too. It may be a product of our society, or culture, or environment. It may be just the way I grew up and developed. I don't honestly know.
I do know how atrocious it feels though, living life and seeing no happiness to come, no joy to look forward to, no light at the end of the tunnel. Where you are simply alive, and existing, but that's all you can handle doing. Thoughts feel like something to be dispelled and pushed away, because thinking about anything at all just leads to more depression and grumpiness. When everything your brain can conjure is negative and makes you feel worse.
That, currently speaking, is where I'm at lately. For some months I've been feeling this way, some days better than others, but I have honestly started trying to think less. A good friend told me I need to stop overthinking things because I used to just analyze everything, all the time. Everything. Every word I said, every action I took. How much time I spent with each friend, trying to equally distribute my time to each friend individually, to show everyone I cared about them by just... being around for people, spending time with friends, etc. And that was exhausting, as I would work myself up into anxiety just by thinking 'oh no, I NEED to spend my time with XXXX person because they will get offended or insulted if I dont!'
That was only made worse as I started to resent spending time with people, because of this perceived obligation. And not just in spending time with other people, but time spent analyzing my own thoughts and actions to the very minute details. I didn't have conversations that I didn't mull over in my mind a hundred times over, feeling regret or shame for any 'mistake' I made, if I stumbled over a single word, if I said the 'wrong' thing, if I made myself look stupid.
I was actually basing all my behaviour on trying to be the right person. Trying to be a respectable, personable, cheerful gentleman that people looked to and said 'that's a good man.' Doing everything I could to make no mistakes, and present myself as a proper mature adult with everything sorted.
This was coupled with my personal view of myself shifting towards Sherlock-ism. As in, I was beginning to view myself as if I was like Sherlock Holmes. Analyzing anything, yet at the same time being completely inept with actual human emotion and empathy. I have intelligence, I feel, but that only helps in making my brain conjure terrible ideas of how I'm a total piece of shit anyways. That or again, pick apart every interaction I have with everyone, all the time. If I wasn't actively engaged with someone in a game or conversation, my mind had time to mull things over, and that inevitably turned into me being irritated by my own thoughts and actions.
This is just a part of the issue, though. I've spent the past couple years trying so desperately to 'better myself' in any way I could. Altering my behaviour, trying to develop habits and routines that would be considered 'good' or 'beneficial.' Things I had taken to assuming were negative or bad. So much of my focus has been on trying to improve myself, as a person. Very introspective and constantly assessing what I could reasonably do to be a 'better person,' either through review of my actions, watching others as role models or anti-role models, and what I felt my friends deserved from me.
This did not always go according to plan, though, and it was a point of focus that I dont know was truly beneficial to my own personal growth. At this particular point, I would say it did more harm than good as I racked up so many insecurities and my self confidence has deteriorated considerably just from inspecting all the bad aspects of my behaviour and life. And that fed into itself, bringing me down further into depression while convincing me that I truly do suck, at everything, at life itself.
Which in itself is weird, because I also feel like a very capable and responsible adult. I have a good mind, I have a capable body. I've got a stable job and income and housing, for now. I have a loving family and wonderful friends. There are so very few things that I actually have to complain or concern myself over, except these things that lurk in my mind, haunting me, whispering terrible things in the back of my mind, demoralizing me.
But all in all, my life is actually very comfortable! Its just the mental strain of existing in this world, at this time, with all these stupid things going on. Yes, everyone knows we live in interesting times, and the media isn't helping, and yadda yadda. Yeah, those are the general things that everyone deals with. But I personally have certain ticks and personality quirks or something, I'm sure there is a proper term but I can't think of it right now.
But what I mean to say is that I personally take some things very hard. One of these things is the feeling of being outside of the loop, or not included in the 'cool kids club.' I have done some nasty things in the past, long past and more recently, in order to try and jealously keep my friends, MY friends. No idea where this stems from but its a behaviour I've never quite managed to quell entirely, and it doesn't do anything helpful, only hurts myself and my friends. I don't WANT to feel these emotions of jealousy and envy, but it's just not something I control, though it has gotten easier to keep somewhat in check.
A personal demon. One that as of this moment, I still feel as I find that I have to watch a friend taking part in raids in an MMO, while knowing I will likely never get the chance to join them in such endeavours due to my work schedule. So here I am, watching, wanting to participate, wanting to join in the 'cool kids club' and simply being unable to. Which, in some ways, makes it feel so so much worse, since I have nothing to direct my anger towards. Nothing and no one. Just life itself has thrown this situation at my feet and told me to deal with it. And when I'm already feeling down and depressed, I don't have the strength to maintain my emotions, at all, so I've just been absolutely torn up and broken down over this.
Which, once again, leads me to feel pathetic and lame. Its a minor issue, it shouldn't be something to get this worked up over. Yet... the human mind is a very strange thing, and complicated well beyond most human understanding. So I get in this depressed mood, mind dwelling on the situation and whatever solutions I can find, over a matter that, logically, is not worth getting worked up over. I can't change this situation, and it doesn't detract from my happiness or life in any way, yet my brain ties itself in a knot over it, just because its a weak, squishy mass of flesh and electrical impulses.
There are many more thoughts rambling around in my head and I wish to get them out. For another journal perhaps. Enough stupid gryphon mental-dump for now. Once upon a time, long ago, I used Live Journal as my social media, venting, journal use. Now, though... this will suffice. Some part of me is already screaming not to put this public, don't post this, it will only serve to bite me in the ass later. Yet, in this state... the urge to do something I might regret, something more than just ignoring the situation, is too strong.
I hope that if someone reads this, they may gain some insight into how my mind works. And maybe someone can even find some comfort, in realizing they share some of these quirks or concerns and they are not alone. I'm not against offers of advice, though it will always be at my discretion which advice I listen to...
And I must end this with an apology. Its only right, as I am Canadian. But it will always be, most sincerely, in the essence of my being to apologize, for the very idea of putting my friends in discomfort or distress is exceptionally off-putting. There is no reality in which I wish to be a burden, detriment, or negative presence in anyone's life, let alone my dear friends. Nothing but the best of wishes for all of them, and I hope that my friends know that it is for them that I keep going.
(ps. even saying that, my mind is analyzing that single sentence and thinking 'I hope this doesn't make anyone feel obliged to be my friend' and 'Am I unwittingly and unintentionally doing some emotional manipulation by complaining about this stuff and placing my woes in the laps of my friends?' Seriously. That is how my brain works. Alllll the time.)
Starting off with the heavy stuff... depression. Am I depressed? Yes, I believe I am, and I believe most people are nowadays, too. It may be a product of our society, or culture, or environment. It may be just the way I grew up and developed. I don't honestly know.
I do know how atrocious it feels though, living life and seeing no happiness to come, no joy to look forward to, no light at the end of the tunnel. Where you are simply alive, and existing, but that's all you can handle doing. Thoughts feel like something to be dispelled and pushed away, because thinking about anything at all just leads to more depression and grumpiness. When everything your brain can conjure is negative and makes you feel worse.
That, currently speaking, is where I'm at lately. For some months I've been feeling this way, some days better than others, but I have honestly started trying to think less. A good friend told me I need to stop overthinking things because I used to just analyze everything, all the time. Everything. Every word I said, every action I took. How much time I spent with each friend, trying to equally distribute my time to each friend individually, to show everyone I cared about them by just... being around for people, spending time with friends, etc. And that was exhausting, as I would work myself up into anxiety just by thinking 'oh no, I NEED to spend my time with XXXX person because they will get offended or insulted if I dont!'
That was only made worse as I started to resent spending time with people, because of this perceived obligation. And not just in spending time with other people, but time spent analyzing my own thoughts and actions to the very minute details. I didn't have conversations that I didn't mull over in my mind a hundred times over, feeling regret or shame for any 'mistake' I made, if I stumbled over a single word, if I said the 'wrong' thing, if I made myself look stupid.
I was actually basing all my behaviour on trying to be the right person. Trying to be a respectable, personable, cheerful gentleman that people looked to and said 'that's a good man.' Doing everything I could to make no mistakes, and present myself as a proper mature adult with everything sorted.
This was coupled with my personal view of myself shifting towards Sherlock-ism. As in, I was beginning to view myself as if I was like Sherlock Holmes. Analyzing anything, yet at the same time being completely inept with actual human emotion and empathy. I have intelligence, I feel, but that only helps in making my brain conjure terrible ideas of how I'm a total piece of shit anyways. That or again, pick apart every interaction I have with everyone, all the time. If I wasn't actively engaged with someone in a game or conversation, my mind had time to mull things over, and that inevitably turned into me being irritated by my own thoughts and actions.
This is just a part of the issue, though. I've spent the past couple years trying so desperately to 'better myself' in any way I could. Altering my behaviour, trying to develop habits and routines that would be considered 'good' or 'beneficial.' Things I had taken to assuming were negative or bad. So much of my focus has been on trying to improve myself, as a person. Very introspective and constantly assessing what I could reasonably do to be a 'better person,' either through review of my actions, watching others as role models or anti-role models, and what I felt my friends deserved from me.
This did not always go according to plan, though, and it was a point of focus that I dont know was truly beneficial to my own personal growth. At this particular point, I would say it did more harm than good as I racked up so many insecurities and my self confidence has deteriorated considerably just from inspecting all the bad aspects of my behaviour and life. And that fed into itself, bringing me down further into depression while convincing me that I truly do suck, at everything, at life itself.
Which in itself is weird, because I also feel like a very capable and responsible adult. I have a good mind, I have a capable body. I've got a stable job and income and housing, for now. I have a loving family and wonderful friends. There are so very few things that I actually have to complain or concern myself over, except these things that lurk in my mind, haunting me, whispering terrible things in the back of my mind, demoralizing me.
But all in all, my life is actually very comfortable! Its just the mental strain of existing in this world, at this time, with all these stupid things going on. Yes, everyone knows we live in interesting times, and the media isn't helping, and yadda yadda. Yeah, those are the general things that everyone deals with. But I personally have certain ticks and personality quirks or something, I'm sure there is a proper term but I can't think of it right now.
But what I mean to say is that I personally take some things very hard. One of these things is the feeling of being outside of the loop, or not included in the 'cool kids club.' I have done some nasty things in the past, long past and more recently, in order to try and jealously keep my friends, MY friends. No idea where this stems from but its a behaviour I've never quite managed to quell entirely, and it doesn't do anything helpful, only hurts myself and my friends. I don't WANT to feel these emotions of jealousy and envy, but it's just not something I control, though it has gotten easier to keep somewhat in check.
A personal demon. One that as of this moment, I still feel as I find that I have to watch a friend taking part in raids in an MMO, while knowing I will likely never get the chance to join them in such endeavours due to my work schedule. So here I am, watching, wanting to participate, wanting to join in the 'cool kids club' and simply being unable to. Which, in some ways, makes it feel so so much worse, since I have nothing to direct my anger towards. Nothing and no one. Just life itself has thrown this situation at my feet and told me to deal with it. And when I'm already feeling down and depressed, I don't have the strength to maintain my emotions, at all, so I've just been absolutely torn up and broken down over this.
Which, once again, leads me to feel pathetic and lame. Its a minor issue, it shouldn't be something to get this worked up over. Yet... the human mind is a very strange thing, and complicated well beyond most human understanding. So I get in this depressed mood, mind dwelling on the situation and whatever solutions I can find, over a matter that, logically, is not worth getting worked up over. I can't change this situation, and it doesn't detract from my happiness or life in any way, yet my brain ties itself in a knot over it, just because its a weak, squishy mass of flesh and electrical impulses.
There are many more thoughts rambling around in my head and I wish to get them out. For another journal perhaps. Enough stupid gryphon mental-dump for now. Once upon a time, long ago, I used Live Journal as my social media, venting, journal use. Now, though... this will suffice. Some part of me is already screaming not to put this public, don't post this, it will only serve to bite me in the ass later. Yet, in this state... the urge to do something I might regret, something more than just ignoring the situation, is too strong.
I hope that if someone reads this, they may gain some insight into how my mind works. And maybe someone can even find some comfort, in realizing they share some of these quirks or concerns and they are not alone. I'm not against offers of advice, though it will always be at my discretion which advice I listen to...
And I must end this with an apology. Its only right, as I am Canadian. But it will always be, most sincerely, in the essence of my being to apologize, for the very idea of putting my friends in discomfort or distress is exceptionally off-putting. There is no reality in which I wish to be a burden, detriment, or negative presence in anyone's life, let alone my dear friends. Nothing but the best of wishes for all of them, and I hope that my friends know that it is for them that I keep going.
(ps. even saying that, my mind is analyzing that single sentence and thinking 'I hope this doesn't make anyone feel obliged to be my friend' and 'Am I unwittingly and unintentionally doing some emotional manipulation by complaining about this stuff and placing my woes in the laps of my friends?' Seriously. That is how my brain works. Alllll the time.)
