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An update concerning previous journal
7 months ago
General
'Aluminum to me, aluminium to some. You can shine like silver all you want but you're just aluminum.' Barenaked Ladies, Aluminum
My last journal was not a happy or pleasant one and I understand there are folks out there that were concerned about it. I am sincerely appreciative of that fact and the support and love that was shown to me during the rough times. Truly and deeply, thank you.
As for now... well, it has been a topsy-turvy few months so far in 2025. My employer allowed me the time I needed to recover as well, thankfully, and I need to express that the fact I'm protected by a union as well helped me immensely in having the support financially to be able to work on my own mental and physical health. I know I am one of the luckiest around, because I have such a stable position in employment, but moreso because I have the best friends and family one could ever ask for or hope for.
Since my last journal I've seen a therapist to help deal with some of those things that brought me to such a low point mentally. I've stopped using cannabis altogether, which dumped me into a state of cannabis withdrawal, and exacerbated the depression to the point I agreed with my doctor that it was time to get on anti-depressants. Teva-Sertraline, to be specific, and for anyone that might know of the drug. It was a difficult decision to make, to accept taking anti-depressants, but a needed one at the time.
The first few weeks taking it, I was absolutely exhausted and sleepy all day, every day. It's a medication that has the effect of causing drowsiness and is not an 'upper' like prozac. And because of this I wasn't sure it was the right one for me, since its side-effects were worse than the depression, or so it felt. But my doctor encouraged me to try another week or two on it, explaining that those side-effects normally diminish as my body gets used to it. Sure enough, they did, and now I am back to a much more stable and better place. I'm on the minimum daily dosage of sertraline, and things are going well despite having periods where I still feel exceptionally tired.
Tired, and I have other side effects that still affect me, but are worth dealing with. For one, anger. I don't get nearly so angry as I used to be, and I actually miss that. The medication has taken the edge off, and I never viewed anger as a bad thing, only something that had the potential to be bad if it pushed you to do negative things. I enjoyed the energy that anger could give me, the emotion itself giving me a bit of glee that accompanied it. But now... rather than getting angry at things, I just don't care. I'm much more meh. It doesn't feel like there is anything worth getting angry over.
That said, I've been able to recover and resume my normal life, for the most part. My work hours have resumed back to full time, my schedule is back to what it was, and my mental state is better. I feel... okay. While I may not be super happy with my job as it is, such is life and I will continue to put up with life and find comfort in my friends and family that have shown me such a incredible amount of care that I will forevermore be deeply grateful for. Not everyone is as blessed as I am, and I will do my best to never take that fact for granted.
As for cannabis... I actually do miss getting high. I do miss using it for relaxing, and the sensations it could bring to be high. However, in MY case, the downer side of it was making my own mental hangups 10x worse in the days after using it. Over the course of last Christmas I went way overboard, and experienced a horrid time likely due to that, after going back to work. I've not touched the stuff since January, and while I don't rule out using it again in the future, I will not go back to the way I was using it before. For some folks, cannabis is a massive boon. For me... I got carried away and went too hard on it. I see that now, and I like to think I've learned from my mistakes.
That is one thing I try to focus on in my current life. Learning from mistakes. Life is a long process of learning, from all experiences, and become a better person over time due to that. Mistakes are natural, they happen, and they are nothing to be ashamed of. But it is up to each of us to learn and adapt. Such is my view, at least.
TLDR; I'm doing much better now, I'm on anti-depressant medications and have resumed full time work. I thank all of my friends and family for the support and love and care they have afforded me these past few months, and through my life.
As for now... well, it has been a topsy-turvy few months so far in 2025. My employer allowed me the time I needed to recover as well, thankfully, and I need to express that the fact I'm protected by a union as well helped me immensely in having the support financially to be able to work on my own mental and physical health. I know I am one of the luckiest around, because I have such a stable position in employment, but moreso because I have the best friends and family one could ever ask for or hope for.
Since my last journal I've seen a therapist to help deal with some of those things that brought me to such a low point mentally. I've stopped using cannabis altogether, which dumped me into a state of cannabis withdrawal, and exacerbated the depression to the point I agreed with my doctor that it was time to get on anti-depressants. Teva-Sertraline, to be specific, and for anyone that might know of the drug. It was a difficult decision to make, to accept taking anti-depressants, but a needed one at the time.
The first few weeks taking it, I was absolutely exhausted and sleepy all day, every day. It's a medication that has the effect of causing drowsiness and is not an 'upper' like prozac. And because of this I wasn't sure it was the right one for me, since its side-effects were worse than the depression, or so it felt. But my doctor encouraged me to try another week or two on it, explaining that those side-effects normally diminish as my body gets used to it. Sure enough, they did, and now I am back to a much more stable and better place. I'm on the minimum daily dosage of sertraline, and things are going well despite having periods where I still feel exceptionally tired.
Tired, and I have other side effects that still affect me, but are worth dealing with. For one, anger. I don't get nearly so angry as I used to be, and I actually miss that. The medication has taken the edge off, and I never viewed anger as a bad thing, only something that had the potential to be bad if it pushed you to do negative things. I enjoyed the energy that anger could give me, the emotion itself giving me a bit of glee that accompanied it. But now... rather than getting angry at things, I just don't care. I'm much more meh. It doesn't feel like there is anything worth getting angry over.
That said, I've been able to recover and resume my normal life, for the most part. My work hours have resumed back to full time, my schedule is back to what it was, and my mental state is better. I feel... okay. While I may not be super happy with my job as it is, such is life and I will continue to put up with life and find comfort in my friends and family that have shown me such a incredible amount of care that I will forevermore be deeply grateful for. Not everyone is as blessed as I am, and I will do my best to never take that fact for granted.
As for cannabis... I actually do miss getting high. I do miss using it for relaxing, and the sensations it could bring to be high. However, in MY case, the downer side of it was making my own mental hangups 10x worse in the days after using it. Over the course of last Christmas I went way overboard, and experienced a horrid time likely due to that, after going back to work. I've not touched the stuff since January, and while I don't rule out using it again in the future, I will not go back to the way I was using it before. For some folks, cannabis is a massive boon. For me... I got carried away and went too hard on it. I see that now, and I like to think I've learned from my mistakes.
That is one thing I try to focus on in my current life. Learning from mistakes. Life is a long process of learning, from all experiences, and become a better person over time due to that. Mistakes are natural, they happen, and they are nothing to be ashamed of. But it is up to each of us to learn and adapt. Such is my view, at least.
TLDR; I'm doing much better now, I'm on anti-depressant medications and have resumed full time work. I thank all of my friends and family for the support and love and care they have afforded me these past few months, and through my life.
Exdamoth
~anondanon
Oh man, can't imagine what that's been like for you, but I'm glad you've taken measures to get your life back in order. It would be for the best if you were to quit it altogether, even if you miss it. Of course that's up to you. In any case, good to see you back and feeling better.
Onyx
~onyx
OP
Thank you! It's certainly a decision I wouldn't make without careful and deliberate consideration, if I were to try cannabis again. It has certainly been a life experience though, one to learn from!
Exdamoth
~anondanon
Yeah, no doubt. Take care, dude!
