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Valentine's Day
a year ago
General
Ah shit. Valentine's Day. I'm legally required to make art for that.
I've just... So I have no shortage of ideas. I'm never not (even faintly) thinking about a drawing I'd like to attempt. And motivation even spikes sometimes. But I have this ocean of guilt. I can't show Flickie anything. I hate that so much it sours the desire.
I wanted to make something for my birthday too but... I didn't.
I know I should push through and do it. I absolutely know. If I felt like I could handle it, I would. I'm pretty sure I have complicated grief disorder. I know grief isn't a one-size fits all, but I guess most people don't take their depression from it nearly as hard as I do. So I don't know. A lot of people this far out (it'll be 11 months on the 20th) have begun dating and seem happy with their new partner. I don't judge people for this but I absolutely couldn't. No one could make me as happy as he could and even if they did, I'd just feel like I'm cheating. I don't consider the marriage over.
I can't listen to music easily because everything hurts. His favorite band released a single uh... Last month I think (Beartooth). I wanted to hear it but I can't show him. I know he would wait to listen to it the first time until he could do it with me. I didn't buy Animal Crossing or Pokemon like I planned to because gaming hurts without him.
I email him regularly. To ramble. To cry. To tell him about my life. That's ...all I can handle...
I've just... So I have no shortage of ideas. I'm never not (even faintly) thinking about a drawing I'd like to attempt. And motivation even spikes sometimes. But I have this ocean of guilt. I can't show Flickie anything. I hate that so much it sours the desire.
I wanted to make something for my birthday too but... I didn't.
I know I should push through and do it. I absolutely know. If I felt like I could handle it, I would. I'm pretty sure I have complicated grief disorder. I know grief isn't a one-size fits all, but I guess most people don't take their depression from it nearly as hard as I do. So I don't know. A lot of people this far out (it'll be 11 months on the 20th) have begun dating and seem happy with their new partner. I don't judge people for this but I absolutely couldn't. No one could make me as happy as he could and even if they did, I'd just feel like I'm cheating. I don't consider the marriage over.
I can't listen to music easily because everything hurts. His favorite band released a single uh... Last month I think (Beartooth). I wanted to hear it but I can't show him. I know he would wait to listen to it the first time until he could do it with me. I didn't buy Animal Crossing or Pokemon like I planned to because gaming hurts without him.
I email him regularly. To ramble. To cry. To tell him about my life. That's ...all I can handle...
I know how these may not be like yours. I can not figure how you feel on these, I just wish to know that you are well and want to help that you are well. If you ever need someone else to ramble to, I'm herearound.