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Creative Burnout & Healing
10 months ago
General
It isn't easy to talk about your personal shortcomings, especially if they hurt not just yourself but also others. At least for me, hurting or discomforting others is what drives me up the wall and gives me anxiety beyond despair. But that also means, the moment my own shortcomings are inconveniencing others, I become even more dysfunctional and keep making things worse. The Gordian knot in my brain will tighten more and more, and I don't have the strength to lift a sword and just cut it.
I won't bore you with my story about how difficult the last 4 years of my life have been. They were, and they traumatized me in many ways. Some I could immediately see and others I am only realizing now. Some I think I have mostly worked through and can cope with, others, it still might take me years to come to terms with. But the matter of fact is: I am not okay.
I know that and am doing my best to change that.
Regardless of the details, I am aware that I cannot create like I used to. And that kills me a little more everyday.
I have 14 unfinished stories, poems and novels of varying length lying around.
I have 3 unfinished TTRPG projects staring at me from the backlog of my Drive.
I have countless personal art projects screaming at me.
And I have about a dozen or so commissions, requests and/or trades open and festering in various states of progress.
Some of these have been this way for years. And I haven't forgotten any of them.
On the bright side, I have still managed to fulfill a tremendous amount of 'contracts' over the past years. I also managed to participate in Art fight each year, which refills a lot of my spoons despite rarely getting anything in return from strangers, only my friends. But I guess it's the no-commitment type of thing I need to be able to release some of the bottled-up creative juices.
Of course this is of little to no help to those whose contracts I did NOT fulfill.
On the contrary, I am afraid it might feel like adding insult to injury to some of you - no matter if you are waiting for trade returned, a commission finalized or simply an update to any of my stories or art/characters you enjoy. But the reality is, for years now, I am not the master of my own bodily functions anymore. I can sit down and try and pull myself together, but it won't necessarily result in anything beneficial. Not a single project that I took on is lying barren - on the contrary, the longer they lie, the more time I probably spent with them - but to no avail. It is not laziness or avoidance, but despair that keeps me from being creative for myself or others sometimes. And this despair comes in waves and is fickle, has a thousand twists & turns and is by no means within my grasp to simply unravel. Yet here I am, trying everyday to do my best, making baby steps of progress.
I cannot tell you or myself that 2025 will be different. But I can promise you it will be the same. I will never stop fighting. I had high hopes for the past two years and I tried very hard to adjust my creative work schedule around life events to improve my output and tackle critical projects again. If you have seen me create art in any way, then it was the result or part of that tactic. I had some partially success in restoring some of my creativity, but some other projects still fester. All I can say is, I am aware of the problems, I just don't have the power to change everything in a jiffy.
I have to support myself through various means and art is one of them - or I would perish. Financially, psychologically and physically.
You will see me create more art in the future. I want to sit down and establish my own stories and franchises in one way or another and finally finish and publish things. All I ever wanted was to tell stories through art. I am incredibly untalented but that never stopped me. But it also means, it doesn't come easy to me. Creating art costs me more spoons than it gives back, and I need to find a way to change that.
If you are a person who does believe in me - I love you, you have my undying gratitude and you are doing more for me than you will probably ever know by not judging me. If your faith in me is or has been wavering, I cannot blame you. I can only say, please be kind and talk to me before you judge. I am approachable, I am not trying to hide from you, and we will work things out if you help me to do that.
If you are simply a person who wants to support me or is interested in these stories I have to tell and that have been hiding behind the grey mist of banality for so long, please keep an eye out. Follow me on BlueSky and Kofi for now, and help me build something I can be proud of. Something that will make it so, that art will give me spoons again.
Yours truly,
Alexej aka Loki
-
Commison queue:
kaoru_is_here - Seasonal winter drawing of Kaoru - Coloring in progress
pattarchus & 
grey-dragon - noodle sketch - clean-up in progress
kyian - ref-sheet for Ragenhere - coloring
Kyian - ref-sheet for Beisa - not started
shadeba - ref-sheet for Rafael - not started
shadeba - ref-sheet for Samuel - sketched
bostitch 'I am perfection' character portrait - not started, yet.
I won't bore you with my story about how difficult the last 4 years of my life have been. They were, and they traumatized me in many ways. Some I could immediately see and others I am only realizing now. Some I think I have mostly worked through and can cope with, others, it still might take me years to come to terms with. But the matter of fact is: I am not okay.
I know that and am doing my best to change that.
Regardless of the details, I am aware that I cannot create like I used to. And that kills me a little more everyday.
I have 14 unfinished stories, poems and novels of varying length lying around.
I have 3 unfinished TTRPG projects staring at me from the backlog of my Drive.
I have countless personal art projects screaming at me.
And I have about a dozen or so commissions, requests and/or trades open and festering in various states of progress.
Some of these have been this way for years. And I haven't forgotten any of them.
On the bright side, I have still managed to fulfill a tremendous amount of 'contracts' over the past years. I also managed to participate in Art fight each year, which refills a lot of my spoons despite rarely getting anything in return from strangers, only my friends. But I guess it's the no-commitment type of thing I need to be able to release some of the bottled-up creative juices.
Of course this is of little to no help to those whose contracts I did NOT fulfill.
On the contrary, I am afraid it might feel like adding insult to injury to some of you - no matter if you are waiting for trade returned, a commission finalized or simply an update to any of my stories or art/characters you enjoy. But the reality is, for years now, I am not the master of my own bodily functions anymore. I can sit down and try and pull myself together, but it won't necessarily result in anything beneficial. Not a single project that I took on is lying barren - on the contrary, the longer they lie, the more time I probably spent with them - but to no avail. It is not laziness or avoidance, but despair that keeps me from being creative for myself or others sometimes. And this despair comes in waves and is fickle, has a thousand twists & turns and is by no means within my grasp to simply unravel. Yet here I am, trying everyday to do my best, making baby steps of progress.
I cannot tell you or myself that 2025 will be different. But I can promise you it will be the same. I will never stop fighting. I had high hopes for the past two years and I tried very hard to adjust my creative work schedule around life events to improve my output and tackle critical projects again. If you have seen me create art in any way, then it was the result or part of that tactic. I had some partially success in restoring some of my creativity, but some other projects still fester. All I can say is, I am aware of the problems, I just don't have the power to change everything in a jiffy.
I have to support myself through various means and art is one of them - or I would perish. Financially, psychologically and physically.
You will see me create more art in the future. I want to sit down and establish my own stories and franchises in one way or another and finally finish and publish things. All I ever wanted was to tell stories through art. I am incredibly untalented but that never stopped me. But it also means, it doesn't come easy to me. Creating art costs me more spoons than it gives back, and I need to find a way to change that.
If you are a person who does believe in me - I love you, you have my undying gratitude and you are doing more for me than you will probably ever know by not judging me. If your faith in me is or has been wavering, I cannot blame you. I can only say, please be kind and talk to me before you judge. I am approachable, I am not trying to hide from you, and we will work things out if you help me to do that.
If you are simply a person who wants to support me or is interested in these stories I have to tell and that have been hiding behind the grey mist of banality for so long, please keep an eye out. Follow me on BlueSky and Kofi for now, and help me build something I can be proud of. Something that will make it so, that art will give me spoons again.
Yours truly,
Alexej aka Loki
-
Commison queue:
kaoru_is_here - Seasonal winter drawing of Kaoru - Coloring in progress
pattarchus & 
grey-dragon - noodle sketch - clean-up in progress
kyian - ref-sheet for Ragenhere - coloring Kyian - ref-sheet for Beisa - not started
shadeba - ref-sheet for Rafael - not started shadeba - ref-sheet for Samuel - sketched
bostitch 'I am perfection' character portrait - not started, yet.
I do understand that pain and my heart goes out to you. I hope you get out of that hole, and find your creative voice in the process.
If there is anything I can do to help, you can always let me know. I am there for you.
I sincerely hope that you are able to look at individual projects as just that: individual. Try to be kind to yourself as you work your way through your backlog. I suspect that many of the people who you have committed to work with will completely understand the situation. Please, just give them regular updates. I find that, on my end, communication makes everything better.
Once again, your style and creativity are very special, and I hope that you are able to get a handle on your output.
I do wish to give updates to the few clients öleft on my list, sey, but it becomes incredibly daunting after a while. When you're stuck with a particular project for longer than say, a year, I feel exhausted. All I can tell people is: 'I opened the project file of your commission again and although only the shading needs to be done I was flooded with anxiety for some inexplicable reason and closed it right away." or 'I opened procreate and stared at a blanc page for a while now because since you rejected my initial sketch - although rightfully so - I am too weak to come up with something else and I don't know why this is so hard..."
I don't know. IT's just...incredibly difficult.
I am grateful you are still here. I am grateful you are still creating.
I am excited to see what you make as you heal. I am excited to continue to see your work pop up in my feeds.
I am super excited to see where you go from here. I don’t often comment, but you do have a cheering corner of at least one.
I've been on an uphill journey with my own art. I used to do full rendered acrylic paintings every month. Fully shaded sketches at least one a week. Now I can only do thumbnail sketches and half rendered drawings the size of my palm.
I haven't given up though and it sounds like you haven't either. And I think that's a beautiful thing.
I have become careful with over-sharing so I didn't go over what exactly happened in this post... I had difficulties over-sharing as a trauma response in the past, often baffling and triggering people. IF you want to know, you can read up on it in my past journal entry here. The bottom line is: Everyone lived to tell the tale of a dramatic and traumatic experience, and we'Re incredibly lucky and grateful for it. But being lucky and grateful still means survivor syndrome and other trauma, and also - we're not unscathed, either. So thanks for your support and understanding. <3
I adore your spark, your light.
You are definitely stronger than the amount of spoons you feel.
I too am a low spooner, and I will always understand the lack of motivation
and I will NEVER hold it against you. I reserve that for my self loathing days. X3
I am too, currently struggling, and want you to know, you are seen, and
the bad days are just that, days, that splatter the year. We are strong.
We are still giving the good fight, even if that means just getting up, and
having some water.
Balor, you are awesome, please hold some kind words near your heart, and
tell that intrusive brain goblin to shhh for a minute, you are cooking. X3