That's good about cutting down on browsing, I know a lot of professional artists recommend it for mindset purposes. Once you build up a good amount of art confidence you can always increase later

I've talked with a few artists and I was surprised to hear they don't browse it as much!

Like I said, I started drawing from the get go comparing myself to others, it's kinda embarrassing it took me this long to realize the damage I've been doing to myself.

I know what you mean about physical therapy! I did some last year (for standing issues, also got some for the wrists while there) and it definitely leaves you sore! This suggestion sounds silly, but you should read "what every pianist needs to know about the body" (just download it from zlib imo). I know you aren't a pianist, but a lot of what pianists do from a physical sense is rather similar to drawing! That is, precise hand and finger movements, a lot of arm and shoulder motion, sitting most of the time, lots of repetition, long length, etc.. This book in particular I feel could be useful for you, because (speaking from my experience, at least) physical therapy helps with building up muscle strength/stamina, but it doesn't help entirely too much with the precise details of what could be causing them in the first place (for my case, while it helped me get various stretches to aid in what was causing me moderate suffering, it didn't address the deeper issues that stemmed from poor technique, piano wise at least). This book goes to great depths to increase an understanding of the body that allows you to critically examine your own habits so you can find and adjust ones that are hard on your body.

If that's not your style though (book reading suuucks sometimes!), I would recommend instead (or on top of, for extra credit XD) finding something else that you could enjoy (3d modeling, learning an instrument, taking learning how to type better seriously, a fine-motion sport (pool/table tennis/pickeball/golf/etc.), etc.) and using that as an excuse to focus equally or more on your physical motions (in the sense that, you're doing the thing that you enjoy, but you're spending a lot of *active* mental effort on the motions that your body is making, finding ways of moving and acting that don't cause discomfort and working to make your body instead subconsciously move in a way that is fully comfortable). I've found personally that a new instrument I've been learning since about the start of the year has been working wonders for making me appreciate and work towards moving in a healthy/sustainable/comfortable way :)

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I can relate to the latter part too! When I was in college I started out playing jazz, and man, seeing everyone around me being wayyy better than me made it honestly stressful and somewhat depressing. Made me almost feel guilty at times for not being as good as others around me, even though they played it longer me and I was rather new! I think what helped me overcome this issue was to instead move towards a view of gratitude and happiness about others' skill. Thoughts like "wow, it's awesome that you're out here making music and playing," "I'm glad I have the opportunity to play with you/listen to you," "I appreciate you using your time to play with/for me!" Stuff that de-emphasizes myself, takes into consideration how we're all on our own journeys (and that being able to take part in and view that of others is something that is worth appreciating and enjoying), and appreciates what is here "now" rather than emphasizing or putting importance upon nebulous ideas (such as being a slow learner, not being good, struggling in this or that aspect, etc.) that don't really mean much in the moment. Of course, such worries can manifest themselves at other times, but I would (and do, when the urge to feel/think that way creeps in on me) try to remember that what I *do* have now is worth appreciating, that the judgement of others (real, or more usually, imagined) is not worth fixating on, and that, as long as I continue to improve even a little bit at a time (even if it's very slow and marginal), I'm making progress towards a better me in the future :)

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The lack of self expression is real though, creativity is something I greatly struggle with! I've found that I'm very much a "creative of necessity" (in other words, stuff like "you won't catch me making big band arrangements independently any time soon, but a band I'm a part of really *needs* one from me in particular I can definitely make one and probably do a pretty good job"), which is nice in some ways (because I can spend a lot of my time on other things without getting nervous about not-creating, and it helps prevent me from overexerting myself/burning myself out), but honestly a bit debilitating in others (because I have a weak drive to self improve! I have to take a disciplined approach to self-improvement, I absolutely cannot rely on motivation to bring me to do so)! Maybe what would help on your end is putting out a very small set of very cheap commissions that would make you draw more? Something simple to bring you to the drawing tablet (or whatever) for 10 min every day (seriously, like a 5$ "super basic sketch" that you say in advance "this will not be high effort or impressive!" (though put in a way that doesn't sound rude lol)) that can act as something to make you draw regularly, but is low pressure enough to not become debilitating (which I've seen happen many times in journals :( ). like 1-3 every week, maybe via a patreon? It's easy for this to spiral out of control though, where your self doubt ("I can't let this look bad," "I need to give the client my best work," "if I draw something poorly this will make me look bad :(," etc.) results in you spending an inordinate amount of time on every piece until you burn yourself out or get a commission backlog that's a mile long... A rough dilemma! In this particular regard artists have a leg up over musicians it seems haha, harder for me to get a "basic commission" that I can produce then put aside because the equivalent for music is a live gig, so to speak.

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I appreciate your vulnerability in these journals! Being vulnerable is difficult (a particular weakness of mine, I'd say!), I wouldn't have been able to write something like this if you kept it all inside; something I should work on more myself!

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I hope something here helps :) Feel free to DM me if you want to talk further about anything, have questions about something, or elsewise!

I'll try to give that book a try, I'm really not that much of a reader sure, but I think it's important to learn about how to have a healthy body if I'm gonna stay sitting for 10 hours a day.

Thank you for the suggestion, but it's very compulsive how I keep comparing myself, I rather not surround myself with artists at the moment even though it pains me to do so, I love art, but I can't trust myself to not be mean to myself every time I can.

And my problem isn't that I don't draw much, it's more that I don't really know what I like or what I'm drawing for. I draw very often actually! It's the thing I do the most in my life and what I want to do the most.

Thank you for your message, it was a joy to read, it makes me happy to know others read my silly journals.