Content warning: rambling, depression, suicidal ideation.

Hey, for the few of you that are still curious how I'm doing, or are worried because I haven't been as active in terms of posting stuff or talking or anything, I apologize. It's been a rough few years. Real world events, especially the more recent ones, have not exactly helped matters, but that's a whole other can of worms. Possibly multiple bunkers full of fridges full of cans full of worms, for that matter. Honestly, I think ever since around 2021, maybe even prior to that, I've just been struggling with keeping myself emotionally stable. That's not to say I've been sad or depressed for a lot of the time (though I have been that to some degree); more that I've just had a rough time trying to figure out where I am in terms of getting in touch with my emotions. I think part of the reason that I haven't been posting any of the commissioned artwork I've gotten lately could just be...I suppose one could call it personal guilt or shame, like I'd be trying to use other people's work and riding their coattails to try and get popularity or success for myself. My recent concerns that I might have some form of ADHD or PTSD or something that's seriously interfering with my ability to focus on things hasn't been helping matters either. Other folks have also mentioned that I tend to overthink everything, and I think part of it has to do with me being autistic on top of those things as well. Honestly, I feel kind of bad regarding bringing this stuff up because I worry that I'll come across like I'm using these things as a justification for any poor behavior or activity on my part. I think, as a result of all these things, and a whole bunch of IRL things, I spent large chunks of 2024 in a bit of a struggle with my sleep schedule, shutting myself off from people, including my local friends...and wanting to fall asleep and not wake up.

I realize that this probably comes across like a cry for attention on my part, and on some level maybe it is, but more than that I just want to try and exercise more transparency with folks. If there's anything I've come to learn regarding myself, it's that I don't like it when people around me hamper the process of communication. Life's too short for me to waste it on people that refuse to be open with me or, for whatever reason, choose to ignore me despite me expressing wanting to be friends with them (or possibly even because of that). I've wasted too much of my life giving pieces of myself out to other people and being told I should feel lucky if I ever get those pieces back despite them being mistreated or taken advantage of. More than anything, however, I suppose what I feel is just...tired, physically and emotionally. I wish I could say that things are or will be looking up, though I honestly can't even say for sure if things are looking at all.

...I'm sorry that this is such a downer note for me to be putting out there. I hope that y'all are doing better than I've been.