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1st Anniversary
8 months ago
This'll be a bit of a retrospective for the first year since making this account. There are no announcements nor anything artistic here, just some rambling to vent! Feel free to ignore!
(Well, technically the anniversary would be a 29th of February, but that doesn't exist this year.)
Loneliness hurts.
The creation of this account (and others, namely Reddit), along with e.g. joining and trying to be active on Discord-servers instead of just lurking, was part of an effort mainly to have a more proactive (or at least existent) social life. I know it's probably not healthy to have an almost exclusively online social life, but I'm chronically online myself and I feel like I have a much easier time connecting with people online rather than offline.
In review of the last year, I can say that this effort has both vastly exceeded and has fallen short of my expectations.
But with a few the messages kept being exchanged. Two of those have become the best friends I've ever had (mainly due to the lack of real competitors) who fill my life with joy I didn't know existed. One ultimately failed in reciprocating sufficiently. One managed to bring my blood to boil on levels I didn't even think I was capable of.
I am aware of the statementIf you want something, you have to take it.but I'm not particularly good at being proactive and often don't know how exactly to "take what I want". Which leads to where the efforts fell short:
Yes, I joined e.g. Discord-Servers, I made accounts, but ultimately the status quo barely changed and I'm basically as much a lurker as I was before. I feel like a failure for this. Watching as people have conversations where I just don't know how to partake, therefore turning every observed conversation into a perceived opportunity for connection slipping through my fingers. Week after week I kick myself over my own inability to act.
Additionally the above statement, specifically regarding connection, i.e.If you want connection, you have to talk to someone.can technically be flipped toIf no one talks to you, no one wants connection with you.which just increases the pain.
I always had to be the initiator and maintainer (in life in general), but I don't want to be anymore...
And, at the same time, as soon as I ask others to be initiators, those initiations stop feeling genuine and start feeling more like "artificial" attempts to please me. It's lose-lose...
Yet, I fear the possibility that this may just be negativity-bias. I fear that the real reason no one else is the initiator is that I'm uncomfortable to be around. I fear that, despite me yearning for others to be initiators and maintainers, I'm perceiving those others as annoying or invasive once they pass a, possibly low, threshold of initiating and maintaining.
Do I have high expectations, too high for people to meet? Or do I have low expectations and people still fail to meet them?
Overall, I feel that these are experiences I should've made years ago.
Additionally, Eternal Fugitive, a story I thought would be largely ignored at best, if not ridiculed, has been exceptionally well received; even by those with not much interest in the genre.
On the other hand: I'm procrastinating way too much and have therefore created way too little. (At least in terms of drawings.)
I really want to draw, drawing has been the most fulfilling hobby I've ever had, but I can never really bring myself to draw much. Most of the day I think to myself "I wanna draw!" only to then sit down for 30-90 minutes and still procrastinate for 50-75 % of that time.
I do not desire nor deserve anyone's pity, this isn't intended to be a "Woe is me!"-journal. I know that many people have it way worse than me and that those may envy my problems.
But to finish off, I want to thank everyone who faves my submissions, who reads Eternal Fugitive, who comments, who watches me; it's also nice to know that there are even some who consistently enjoy my work as to fave most (if not all) my uploads; you all give me motivation to continue!
(Well, technically the anniversary would be a 29th of February, but that doesn't exist this year.)
Loneliness hurts.
The creation of this account (and others, namely Reddit), along with e.g. joining and trying to be active on Discord-servers instead of just lurking, was part of an effort mainly to have a more proactive (or at least existent) social life. I know it's probably not healthy to have an almost exclusively online social life, but I'm chronically online myself and I feel like I have a much easier time connecting with people online rather than offline.
In review of the last year, I can say that this effort has both vastly exceeded and has fallen short of my expectations.
Social:
I've met a couple of people. With most I've had merely a brief exchanges of messages, which was to be expected.But with a few the messages kept being exchanged. Two of those have become the best friends I've ever had (mainly due to the lack of real competitors) who fill my life with joy I didn't know existed. One ultimately failed in reciprocating sufficiently. One managed to bring my blood to boil on levels I didn't even think I was capable of.
I am aware of the statementIf you want something, you have to take it.but I'm not particularly good at being proactive and often don't know how exactly to "take what I want". Which leads to where the efforts fell short:
Yes, I joined e.g. Discord-Servers, I made accounts, but ultimately the status quo barely changed and I'm basically as much a lurker as I was before. I feel like a failure for this. Watching as people have conversations where I just don't know how to partake, therefore turning every observed conversation into a perceived opportunity for connection slipping through my fingers. Week after week I kick myself over my own inability to act.
Additionally the above statement, specifically regarding connection, i.e.If you want connection, you have to talk to someone.can technically be flipped toIf no one talks to you, no one wants connection with you.which just increases the pain.
I always had to be the initiator and maintainer (in life in general), but I don't want to be anymore...
And, at the same time, as soon as I ask others to be initiators, those initiations stop feeling genuine and start feeling more like "artificial" attempts to please me. It's lose-lose...
Yet, I fear the possibility that this may just be negativity-bias. I fear that the real reason no one else is the initiator is that I'm uncomfortable to be around. I fear that, despite me yearning for others to be initiators and maintainers, I'm perceiving those others as annoying or invasive once they pass a, possibly low, threshold of initiating and maintaining.
Do I have high expectations, too high for people to meet? Or do I have low expectations and people still fail to meet them?
Overall, I feel that these are experiences I should've made years ago.
Art:
My art has been received better than expected, both in raw numbers (i.e. faves, upvotes, etc.) and in subjective opinion (i.e. comments).Additionally, Eternal Fugitive, a story I thought would be largely ignored at best, if not ridiculed, has been exceptionally well received; even by those with not much interest in the genre.
On the other hand: I'm procrastinating way too much and have therefore created way too little. (At least in terms of drawings.)
I really want to draw, drawing has been the most fulfilling hobby I've ever had, but I can never really bring myself to draw much. Most of the day I think to myself "I wanna draw!" only to then sit down for 30-90 minutes and still procrastinate for 50-75 % of that time.
Closing Note:
I'm not asking for attention or consolation nor am I asking for "artificial friends/connections"!I do not desire nor deserve anyone's pity, this isn't intended to be a "Woe is me!"-journal. I know that many people have it way worse than me and that those may envy my problems.
But to finish off, I want to thank everyone who faves my submissions, who reads Eternal Fugitive, who comments, who watches me; it's also nice to know that there are even some who consistently enjoy my work as to fave most (if not all) my uploads; you all give me motivation to continue!
That said, it would be amiss not to congratulate you for reaching your first anniversary! Cheers, here's to the next one~
I always appreciate your fave on an upload, even if it may be "guaranteed". I wish I could give back more (e.g. some scribbles of Naun), but alas, I can barely even get my own scribbles done...
Likewise, I hope things have been working out for you; it's been quite a while since I've last seen a comment from you (though, comment whenever you feel like it, I can't demand anything).
And whilst I also cheer to the next year, I can't help but see this as a congratulation to the unstoppable march of time instead of any of my doing. (I'm being a bit nihilistic today, aren't I?)