I'm sorry to my audience for being such an anxious person all of my life and taking it out publicly all of the time. I'm sorry for being scary and intimidating, because I was too weak and self-isolating. I'm sorry for growing that anxiety into paranoia in the past, and carrying an ominous cloud around me. And I'm sorry that it took so long to understand that all.

I was exercising and these thoughts summoned upon me, thoughts I consider every day about my entire time being an online toon artist. I've always viewed the way I carried myself as a dumpster fire, but never quite understood how resigned I was to that image of myself. I just kept doing without intention, and feeling without question.

My friends, the people who appreciate my work, they're all who directly had to suffer the qualities of my neglectful attitude. An attitude which expressed itself with confusion, frustration, and an insatiable neediness from others. A neediness which even I couldn't properly articulate because of my neglect. The anxiety was just `too much`, and -I was too much of a victim on my own-..."it wasn't fair that I had to help myself with nobody's help at all.", and honestly, somebody should've been there for me, right?

But people were there, I just didn't acknowledge them for the full capacity of who and what they were. Because I was searching for what I thought I needed, which was best described as only things I wanted but didn't understand.

And people were helping me, perhaps the best they could, perhaps some not at all, but my attitude to only pay attention to what I was looking for neglected to acknowledge the value and help they brought to my life...because I was just so anxious, and needy.

Perhaps one of the largest problems I can see myself repeatedly making is the attempt to rebrand myself, to play with my identity and art style and see if people would support that. I wasn't aware that I'd fallen into such a state of disrepair and neglect that I felt the need to -destroy my sense of self and re-arrange it in hopes that people would like me more now-.

I also wasn't aware that it was possible to simply remain in the realm of toons, and then expand my sense of self outward into anime art styles and attempt to manage both at the same time. I was too anxious to consider that, I thought I had to be only one thing, so naturally...when I tried to totally transform myself and everyone reacted with confusion...it only left me more anxious.

I kept going about handling myself and others the wrong way simply because I was too anxious. Every gesture was becoming grand and large, nothing was simple, easy, and relaxed anymore. I was becoming a tensely wound up puppet for a machine of anxiety that was losing touch with the people around me, and myself.

Now, if that's how I behaved privately....well, my public record is messy I must confess.


Why do I share all of this? I honestly, sincerely wanted to apologise to everyone for how truly terrible my behaviour has been, and gets. And perhaps...may still express itself poorly because of my anxiety.

Because my experience with anxiety has been one of disassociation most of my life. ...I wasn't really aware that I was that anxious, because I was hidden behind my porcelain mask, concealing myself from my own feeling so I could function and perform The Artistry.

And that element of neglecting to be in connection with my feelings is a powerful factor for why my anxiety was able to grow out of control and hurt so many others in my time online, just because I was trying to make friends and I was too selfish and childish to really pay attention to my feelings and take care of them. ...I tried to make it everyone else's problem, and I'm sorry for that.


The support and gratitude I've received across my life means the world to me, and it's scary to admit that my anxiety had made me lose touch of that gratitude, and just how powerfully heartfelt the first interactions of support for my work online really are to me.

So I wanted to share the general story of my folly and anxiety, in hopes that any artists who do look up to me learn to...care for your feelings seriously, and share your feeling with others carefully.

Don't try to use people as puppets and get them to say and do the things you feel like you need to be happy. Just have faith and pay attention and appreciate them for what you truly see them for, and try to love and move forward.