So I don’t really feel ready to speak about this…but I honestly feel like this has gone on to long without an explanation
I won’t go into the details…as they are my business that I don’t feel like sharing but I need to get this out before anything else goes wrong between people on here

But here’s the gist of it

In late March, a family member I was particularly close to…died.
This member of my family has been a part of my coping mechanisms and close family support for years. They had always been able to listen to me without judging, even if I was being particularly vile or jsut needed to rage. And to have them die so soon after my birthday….similair to how my grandad, another close family memover I relied upon died jsut after Christmas…
And they died so suddenly, it shattered my mental state.

To make matters worse, my mom has been in danger of losing her job which is our only source of income, especially since my own employment plans are being derailed thanks to our stupid government being about as useful as a chocolate teapot…
It did not help that my mom has been threatening suicide if such a thing happens…which would leave me virtually homeless and in major financial danger…and down another person I relied on to keep me mentally stable….

And as you’ve probably gathered, I don’t take grief or stress that well….

I wasn’t a full blown alcoholic but I drank enough to cause my heart palpitations to resurface. And a whole host of other issues that I thought I had buried have reared their ugly heads once more.

To top it off, I have been grappling with a…major medical health scare that I would rather not discuss openly. It has not been helped that my medical system is so broken and useless, I am still waiting for a ultrasound and body scan a month after I reported it.

So I needed up in the emergency room last Saturday and last night.
I was basically told that if I carried on the way I was going…I could bring on a heart attack…and possibly finish me off for good.

I’m not gonna pretend that my behaviour was anything beyond vile the last month….

But this is it.
This is the situation as it stands.

And I’m not sure I’m the same person I was before this all started…I’m turning into something I don’t like…and clearly other people don’t like me either, judging from recent events I have had to deal with

I don’t k ow if I’m equipped to keep going the way I am
Becuase I no longer have the energy to plaster a smile on my face and pretend that life is going great

Becuase it’s not…..

But still, thank you for all the support my various friends have sent…

I’m grateful, even if I clearly do not deserve it…