"I, had my autonomy violated, boundaries broken, cowered in fear, had violent revenge fantasies about you, can never feel safe, have no idea what healthy connection, had my life ruined and more terrible things to list all because of you."
It has taken me far too long to realize this not something i should be able to say to a loved one. If I can say even one of these things about a person I at best tolerate them and most likely hate them. If I need to hours alone to process the pain somebody put me through then shouldn't be in my life.

"They didn't mean to" is the thing that's been preventing me from realizing this. I keep rationalizing all the pain away because of that. Apart of me is saying that I'm not a "real victim" because of that. I can't point to a monster, just a bunch of flawed people who don't mean to torture me and I keep coming back to. If I hated them I wouldn't be so good at hiding it. That's wrong, if somebody runs a red light and runs me over no amount of nuance is going to save my life. There is nothing my family can say to heal the fresh wounds they keep giving me. I need to just leave, cut contact and heal. Learn what healthy dynamics feel like.

It's taken me too long to realize this. I just hope this actually leads somewhere.
Thank you reading, without these weird little havens I don't what I'd be.. Have a little ice cream c3>