I didn't get the job, I'm still not getting the job, I cannot find job offers.

the holiday went good, very good, I feel the best I have in a long while. for this same reason, I feel unable to channel what I felt while making most of the drawings I have here, I just cannot. I bave a few ideas for things I want to try to make, but it still feels wrong, incorrect. maybe this is for the best, yet I still feel drawn to self-harm and gore, the violence never feels enough.

I've managed to gather a few commissions, enough that I'll soon, very soon, be able to afford a tablet, I can begin to draw digitally by then, and I have a strong feeling that it will help me draw more consistently.

I've been considering starting a second account here, which I would dedicate to photography, still wondering if I should do that. any comments regarding this are encouraged.

I don't remember if I mentioned this last time, or ever, but I've given up on trying to find somewhere I can feel belonging. my last attempt was the most important, one of the most welcoming places I've been to, with the nicest of people, someone pretty important in there too. I've given it my best, I kept reminding myself of all the mistakes that lead to the situation I was in and trying to not fall for them again.
that was pointless, it ended up like the dozen other times I tried, and now I'm feeling alone again, but I'm not going to give it another attempt, I'm tired of hurting and hurting people for the sake of fixing my dreaded loneliness.

I wonder how things will go from here.