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My longest love has passed away
6 months ago
Gold may tarnish and lose its value, but gems are made from pressure
Forgive me for this journal, it will be patched together by things I've said else where to make it easier to say things and limit how much I start crying again.
I am also working on getting her FA memorialized soon as public data is made.
I flew out to New Mexico on May 2nd to say goodbye to my longest love,
Charla
I got here while she still had some space of mind coming through here and there. They told me she lit up the most they've seen when she saw me. I finally gave her the gifts I've been holding onto for her for years now and talk to her and hold her hands. She was given some morphine on the early morning of the 3rd and never became conscious again. She began having issues midnight just into the 4th and even though the nurse told us it could be minutes to hours..she fought all the way until just after 7pm when a loud strike of thunder sounded. And she was gone.
She continued to hang around in the storm, too. The power had gone out shortly before her..and came back right after she faded. And later when they came to collect her, it began pouring down hail until they took her from the house. The rest of the weekend, the storm cycled up and down, even delaying my flights as if trying to hold me there. But eventually I had to leave. And everything became a fixed point in time.
The nurse told us she was not hurting, anxious or anything while she was under. So she went as great as she could. I was there with her mom and boyfriend, helping look after her and we were all there when it came time. It's amazing and I'm so thankful to have gotten here when she was awake, and be here still when she left. I held her hands, helped kept her cleaned up, I played the movie Spirited Away on my laptop while she was out the night before so she could listen to one of her favorite movies, and we all played her favorite music through the weekend around her.
The weight of loss is confounding. You lose something but it's added weight, this pressure on my chest, like a constant mild anxiety. And it takes away my ability to be happy; not that I can't be but I don't *want* to be happy. I don't want to be happy because I find her in that sadness, in those memories that end up reminding me where I am without. Without her, with the weight of her empty space, where I was reaching out to. To connect and make bridges, like neurons reaching out desperately to find one another only to be left with nothing there but the *feeling* of nothing and feeling the realization of that. The pain as it sets in while still grasping for what's not going to be there.
I love you, Red, and I'll always think of you.
You're flying as your dragon now.
Silent Picture - Deadmau5 & Grabbitz
I see you look the other way.
I know you long for something new.
So there you're wasting all your days,
looking for something that is right in front
of you…
And I just want them to notice you.
And I will never let go of you.
There's something flying in the air,
and I just don't know what it could be.
The smoke is flying everywhere,
I'm getting the feeling it's the end for you
and me.
And I know that we might be through,
but I – I'll never let go of you.
I am also working on getting her FA memorialized soon as public data is made.
I flew out to New Mexico on May 2nd to say goodbye to my longest love,
CharlaI got here while she still had some space of mind coming through here and there. They told me she lit up the most they've seen when she saw me. I finally gave her the gifts I've been holding onto for her for years now and talk to her and hold her hands. She was given some morphine on the early morning of the 3rd and never became conscious again. She began having issues midnight just into the 4th and even though the nurse told us it could be minutes to hours..she fought all the way until just after 7pm when a loud strike of thunder sounded. And she was gone.
She continued to hang around in the storm, too. The power had gone out shortly before her..and came back right after she faded. And later when they came to collect her, it began pouring down hail until they took her from the house. The rest of the weekend, the storm cycled up and down, even delaying my flights as if trying to hold me there. But eventually I had to leave. And everything became a fixed point in time.
The nurse told us she was not hurting, anxious or anything while she was under. So she went as great as she could. I was there with her mom and boyfriend, helping look after her and we were all there when it came time. It's amazing and I'm so thankful to have gotten here when she was awake, and be here still when she left. I held her hands, helped kept her cleaned up, I played the movie Spirited Away on my laptop while she was out the night before so she could listen to one of her favorite movies, and we all played her favorite music through the weekend around her.
"The greatest thing
You'll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved
In return."
The weight of loss is confounding. You lose something but it's added weight, this pressure on my chest, like a constant mild anxiety. And it takes away my ability to be happy; not that I can't be but I don't *want* to be happy. I don't want to be happy because I find her in that sadness, in those memories that end up reminding me where I am without. Without her, with the weight of her empty space, where I was reaching out to. To connect and make bridges, like neurons reaching out desperately to find one another only to be left with nothing there but the *feeling* of nothing and feeling the realization of that. The pain as it sets in while still grasping for what's not going to be there.
I love you, Red, and I'll always think of you.
You're flying as your dragon now.
Silent Picture - Deadmau5 & Grabbitz
I see you look the other way.
I know you long for something new.
So there you're wasting all your days,
looking for something that is right in front
of you…
And I just want them to notice you.
And I will never let go of you.
There's something flying in the air,
and I just don't know what it could be.
The smoke is flying everywhere,
I'm getting the feeling it's the end for you
and me.
And I know that we might be through,
but I – I'll never let go of you.
Take all the time now that you need to process and work through this. If you need to talk, you can poke me on Telegram anytime.
*hugs you very gently and cautiously*