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Been thinking of what to say here for a while now.
4 months ago
Sorry if this isn’t laid out well with perfect grammar and sentence structure but what a wild ride being a furry has been. I finally gave interacting with other people online a shot and started attending fur cons and meets after years of being on this site. I’ve been to dozens of conventions, dozens of meets, helped start and staff a few even. All for the reason of being part of a community and making friends… And I feel like I’ve failed. I do have a few friends still but I’ve had and lost over a hundred it feels like.
Today I had another therapy session where I talked about another mental breakdown I had last night. I have issues with all kinds of things now that I didn’t before getting more involved in the fandom physically. I’ve met so many lousy people. Some cool at first, some terrible from the first interaction. I feel like I would have been able to deal with the resulting emotions if I had managed to make the kinds of friends that would have stood up for me or have my back. To be a part of a group.
I think about all my interactions good and bad. I could talk about them for days. From donating thousands of dollars to waking up on a stretcher and being loaded into an ambulance while in fullsuit. From driving 40 miles into downtown Chicago to help a local fur jump start a car to being visible on Fox News while standing outside a hotel because we had to evacuate for a fake bomb threat. From co hosting panels at cons to having rumors spread around about me from furs that I had opened up my home to and gave them a place to live. I’ve gotten a wanna be nazi fur’s Twitter suspended and I’ve provided evidence that a fur was lying about something to scam donations in a state chat. From making things and giving them out at conventions wile in a Santa suit to having friends die. But after all these experiences, I don’t feel like I belong. I don’t feel like I have a place to talk about my emotions and mental state or my opinions and feelings feeling valid. Not without worrying that I’ll drive my few remaining real friends away assuming they are actually really my friends.
A lot of my time in the fandom felt like being a kid in school again. Getting picked on or talked about behind my back and no one ever did anything to stop it or comfort me. I’m just not able to be someone that is ever shown sympathy or empathy by my peers. Back when I was growing up to now, if anything was getting me down, if anything annoyed and frustrated me, if anything made me day dream about what it’d be like to kms, most times I was made to feel like it was my own fault.
I just don’t have the strength to reach out for help anymore. Not in this community. But I don’t know if I’d ever actually be able to leave. There’s something inside me that doesn’t want to but now I’m just a pessimistic person that can’t control obsessing about things that happened years ago and continue to happen. Even right now I have zero faith anyone will read or respond to this because I think furries only care about popular people’s feelings and opinions.
Today I had another therapy session where I talked about another mental breakdown I had last night. I have issues with all kinds of things now that I didn’t before getting more involved in the fandom physically. I’ve met so many lousy people. Some cool at first, some terrible from the first interaction. I feel like I would have been able to deal with the resulting emotions if I had managed to make the kinds of friends that would have stood up for me or have my back. To be a part of a group.
I think about all my interactions good and bad. I could talk about them for days. From donating thousands of dollars to waking up on a stretcher and being loaded into an ambulance while in fullsuit. From driving 40 miles into downtown Chicago to help a local fur jump start a car to being visible on Fox News while standing outside a hotel because we had to evacuate for a fake bomb threat. From co hosting panels at cons to having rumors spread around about me from furs that I had opened up my home to and gave them a place to live. I’ve gotten a wanna be nazi fur’s Twitter suspended and I’ve provided evidence that a fur was lying about something to scam donations in a state chat. From making things and giving them out at conventions wile in a Santa suit to having friends die. But after all these experiences, I don’t feel like I belong. I don’t feel like I have a place to talk about my emotions and mental state or my opinions and feelings feeling valid. Not without worrying that I’ll drive my few remaining real friends away assuming they are actually really my friends.
A lot of my time in the fandom felt like being a kid in school again. Getting picked on or talked about behind my back and no one ever did anything to stop it or comfort me. I’m just not able to be someone that is ever shown sympathy or empathy by my peers. Back when I was growing up to now, if anything was getting me down, if anything annoyed and frustrated me, if anything made me day dream about what it’d be like to kms, most times I was made to feel like it was my own fault.
I just don’t have the strength to reach out for help anymore. Not in this community. But I don’t know if I’d ever actually be able to leave. There’s something inside me that doesn’t want to but now I’m just a pessimistic person that can’t control obsessing about things that happened years ago and continue to happen. Even right now I have zero faith anyone will read or respond to this because I think furries only care about popular people’s feelings and opinions.
I do still think about you from time to time. I remember the early days of talking on Telegram. I remember making it up to Downers Grove FurBowl and meeting you in person. I remember the pic you drew of Jeeper with a mud tire. I had that as my phone wallpaper for a few years.
But I also remember when I mocked one of your friends in a different Telegram chat and you confronted me about it. I felt I had betrayed your trust, and I felt guilty any time I wanted to reach out. I didn't know if there was any repairing that damage, and I was too anxious to try.
For what it's worth, I always admired your knack for models and dioramas, the work you did on your vehicles, your creativity, your kindness, and how genuine you are. You're the kind of friend I don't feel I deserve. I miss how things were from 2012-2016, but I am not even close to kidding when I say I'm damn glad you were a part of it.
I know things won't be like they used to, but I would love to catch up if you want.
And to second what MarcusStarkiller said; Note me, I'll give you my Discord.
And I can dig.
Your frank honesty is beautiful. You are the kind of person I would like to be in another life. You have the right mix of introspection, vulnerability, and emotional intellegence.
Perhaps life is trying to steer you in a new direction (to a new friend group perhaps?), and it knows you won't leave what you know without closing off paths you used to roam.
I'm happy that you've found some people to chat with and that you are feeling better. Hope is essential to life. :)
Please do post more! Based on the people who commented above, it sounds like they look for you and your journals. I've learned that some people may not answer each journal, but they do look for them to know how you are doing.