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Months pass, what changed?
3 months ago
Months have passed since my last journal entry. I made convictions then about changing for the better.
I told myself to dare to reach out more to more people.
I told myself to be more of a positive force.
I told myself to share more of myself.
How has it gone?
Honestly... its gone amazingly!
8 months ago I wrote
"Who knows how many great people I've missed out on. How many great Friendships? All because I never tried or dared say hello."
I've gotten to know so many people since then. Lovely irreplaceable people that I now can't imagine a world where I am without them.
Old friends rekindled into tighter bonds, some have been friends of friends that I now treasure like family. Some have been nothing but chance meetings, right time right place, who I now share the most intimate secrets and feelings with and talk to every day.
I think it was a bit of luck, meeting the right people. But, it was not like I didn't invest time and effort connecting and opening up with strangers. Pushing through anxiety and what made me uncomfortable.
I recently returned from Confuzzled 25 last week and my trip to the UK. First time flying in 20 years, meeting mostly people I've only just met recently.
A complete impossibility for me to consider a year ago, and not without a lot of anxiety I had to push through to commit to it.
But I am glad I went! I had a great time. I met more great people that I hope to talk to more.
That's all I wanted to write for now. I wanted to push that slightly sad but hopeful journal down and replace it with the message that yes. Things have gone well.
I am happy.
Now to write on Aweworld. Got to finish this thing.
I told myself to dare to reach out more to more people.
I told myself to be more of a positive force.
I told myself to share more of myself.
How has it gone?
Honestly... its gone amazingly!
8 months ago I wrote
"Who knows how many great people I've missed out on. How many great Friendships? All because I never tried or dared say hello."
I've gotten to know so many people since then. Lovely irreplaceable people that I now can't imagine a world where I am without them.
Old friends rekindled into tighter bonds, some have been friends of friends that I now treasure like family. Some have been nothing but chance meetings, right time right place, who I now share the most intimate secrets and feelings with and talk to every day.
I think it was a bit of luck, meeting the right people. But, it was not like I didn't invest time and effort connecting and opening up with strangers. Pushing through anxiety and what made me uncomfortable.
I recently returned from Confuzzled 25 last week and my trip to the UK. First time flying in 20 years, meeting mostly people I've only just met recently.
A complete impossibility for me to consider a year ago, and not without a lot of anxiety I had to push through to commit to it.
But I am glad I went! I had a great time. I met more great people that I hope to talk to more.
That's all I wanted to write for now. I wanted to push that slightly sad but hopeful journal down and replace it with the message that yes. Things have gone well.
I am happy.
Now to write on Aweworld. Got to finish this thing.
You're amazing!
How have you been doing, Charem?
One of my future dreams is to live together with one or more people IRL as well for similar reasons. Someplace large.
Heck, sometimes I dream of a compound with my nearest and dearest.
A large group home is a neat concept honestly, it can be very hard to arrange but I did do it briefly once with some other furries many years ago. I wish you luck on an IRL move in with friends, however many, eventually; it's good to have company.
I dunno, just seeing other people make connections and become happier also makes me a bit happy?
Anyways! Congratulations to your and your new/old friends!
Its the opposite to schadenfreude I guess? Its a nice thing.
I dont know how to get out of this.
im not doing well. And I doubt I ever will. I feel largely forgotten and unwanted.
Being around people is better then being alone. Be it RL, VR or just in a busy discord group.
It takes effort and time, but its often rewarded.
Its by no means easy, but sometimes you just have take the first steps yourself. Say hello and put yourself out there. Day after day.
Perhaps somewhere new with few people you know.
I for one went to a few VR meets in the start and cowered in the corner for the first few. Sometimes I still do! But more often then not, its together with some people now.
What do you do when it's all losses? No wins? What do you do when it's all the time?
Time after time after time I try to inject myself, and get rebuffed. Time after time, I try to take initiative, get ignored, get forgotten. Even when occasionally there's acknowledgement, it's only ever cursory and cordial. Just polite social expectations.
After years and years and years of taking initiative and never being reciprocated, I start to wonder if I'm even wanted at all, because no one seems to care I exist, let alone notice my absence, unless I'm forcing myself under thier nose, which makes me feel like a dirty obnoxious creep.
I don't see what's so wrong with wanting for one to be actually welcomed. To be sought after, invited. ACTUALLY WANTED. Rather than just some obnoxious twit that forces themselves on people, and gets elbowed out of actual friend groups when they close ranks and turn thier backs.
... I just want to be wanted.
And I know someone is going to say, 'well not with that attitude" ... It's a self fulfilling prophecy. Treat someone like disposable unwanted trash long enough, they're going to start believing it. It would be delusional to think otherwise, to strut around like I'm some celebrity when really people wouldn't notice or care if I died. At least until the body started to stink anyway.
I'm just.. I'm just so exhausted of faking it. I can't keep up the act anymore. I can't keep pretending I'm fine when everything hurts so much all the time. I can't keep up the strength to keep bottling my feelings away to spare everyone else discomfort 'because how else will I ever make friends' when my own anguish continues to fester.
Pretty sure this will earn me admonishment, punishment, chastizing. Maybe a lecture about how nasty I am, or just a block because I'm just so horrible and toxic and manipulative.
'Pretty sure' change to 'if the pattern holds' because that's what I've been taught to expect
Likewise! You had such infectious and fun energy to be around!
Hope to see you again soon :3
Anyway this all sounds really positive! I'm glad your efforts are paying off. Anxiety is a nightmare to fight. Congrats! ^^p
I was surprised as a few people recognized me around the place. It was quite nice <3
I'm glad you had a good time! C: