FA+
Shop
Some thoughts and Forests passing.
a year ago
A personal update about me! In my own space. Hello reader.
Just venting some thoughts rolling around in my head.
Long ago I decided that I was more comfortable lurking and not putting myself out there so much.
The reasoning was a bit abstract. I told myself I'm an introvert, that I'm more comfortable being less public. But at the base of it all it's probably just public anxiety and some feeling like I don't deserve to be noticed.
I know its something many people struggle with, not just me.
I HAVE and been comfortable so far, in my own small world of a few close-knit friends that I hold very very dear.
But honestly... of late I have been feeling a bit adrift and like this small life is not enough.
It's like I've been in slump I was not aware of. I've been trying to put words to it for a while, but only a recent shock to system seems to have shattered the mold and made things clearer.
And it's simple. I've put myself in a cage.
Let me talk about that and about
Forest-wolf
I've had friends pass away in the past. Minimikes
loss hit me pretty hard when he passed some years ago.
There was an upbeat fellow that was always happy to relentlessly check up on me even when I was in a slump.
We weren't the bestest or closest of friends, but we talked on and off for over a decade and he was always sweet and looking for a connection. It was not until he was gone that I realized what I had missed. How a pillar I took for granted was suddenly gone. Those things we kept planning to do now lost.
I resolved to learn a lesson and be a bit more like him. I swore to never to let the time of someone who makes time for me or seeks to make a connection go waste.
Always try to keep the same positive attitude about life, try to give more energy then you take and never take anyone for granted, no matter how life was treating me.
I met Forest before this happened.
He hit me up with a message in a journal about technical help for Aweworld.
I knew who he was, I mean, who didn't. I've seen him around since he started out decades ago, I noticed when he disappeared from the scene for a awhile and was glad when he came back and rocketed up to new heights in art and community.
Many times over the years I had considered saying hello but never dared.
Now, upon invitation, I messaged him and he helped me through my coding hurdle. I knew he was a busy person and I didn't try to overstay my welcome more then needed. I wanted to respect his time.
Looking at the timings now, I think its when I started acting on my lessons from Minimikes passing that something clicked.
Brief interactions turned longer and he started to message me frequently. To my surprise I soon found myself with a new very good friend.
I understood how thin he was stretched though, with all the people and projects he had going on, and the job/family issues he'd sometimes let slip.
I only today realize the full extent of how truly much he put himself out there for others, from listening to other peoples stories.
He and I ended up with an unspoken agreement of sorts; My door was always open for when he needed it, and he could message me whenever he wanted a distraction to muse about thoughts and ideas we both enjoyed, vorish or otherwise, and we'd leave all the bothersome stuff outside.
It felt good to give back to someone like him, who always seemed to give so much of himself to the world.
He was never one to ask of anything, but I think he greatly enjoyed getting unprompted gifts. In the end I wish I had given him much much more.
I made a mistake: I slipped! I believed I had more time.
I had taken his presence for granted. And now he is gone.
I've grieved. Now its time for "Lessons learned." and filling the hole he left behind.
Not only do I need to reinforce what I initially forgot, but I also have a lot to learn and improve on from my time with Forest.
I need to get out of my cage.
First, is that I would have never gotten to know this wonderful person if he had not reached out to me. It would never have occurred to me to dare to bother someone like him.
Who knows how many great people I've missed out on. How many great Friendships? All because I never tried or dared say hello.
I've seen a lot of people around over the years I've thought it'd be neat to talk to. I'm going to reach out more.
Second. The kind of sunshine of positivity Forest spread around himself and the community he fostered was on a whole other level.
I can never match him, I'm not built that way. But if I want to be a fraction of that kind of positive force that can be there for others I need to try to be out there more. I might be reiterating the first point some, but I need to dare to be heard rather then just sit here like a warm rock you 'might' happen upon.
I need to take part and speak up more.
Lastly.
I've been afraid of uploading too much, because it felt like I was advertising myself. And that was bad?
But its okay to be a little selfish and express yourself and what you like.
I want to share more of my characters. Show off the many gifts and commissions I've gotten over the years.
I want to be seen more.
Still here? Well, if you want to reach out and talk sometime. Hit me up!
I'm trying to improve.
Just venting some thoughts rolling around in my head.
Long ago I decided that I was more comfortable lurking and not putting myself out there so much.
The reasoning was a bit abstract. I told myself I'm an introvert, that I'm more comfortable being less public. But at the base of it all it's probably just public anxiety and some feeling like I don't deserve to be noticed.
I know its something many people struggle with, not just me.
I HAVE and been comfortable so far, in my own small world of a few close-knit friends that I hold very very dear.
But honestly... of late I have been feeling a bit adrift and like this small life is not enough.
It's like I've been in slump I was not aware of. I've been trying to put words to it for a while, but only a recent shock to system seems to have shattered the mold and made things clearer.
And it's simple. I've put myself in a cage.
Let me talk about that and about
Forest-wolf I've had friends pass away in the past. Minimikes
loss hit me pretty hard when he passed some years ago. There was an upbeat fellow that was always happy to relentlessly check up on me even when I was in a slump.
We weren't the bestest or closest of friends, but we talked on and off for over a decade and he was always sweet and looking for a connection. It was not until he was gone that I realized what I had missed. How a pillar I took for granted was suddenly gone. Those things we kept planning to do now lost.
I resolved to learn a lesson and be a bit more like him. I swore to never to let the time of someone who makes time for me or seeks to make a connection go waste.
Always try to keep the same positive attitude about life, try to give more energy then you take and never take anyone for granted, no matter how life was treating me.
I met Forest before this happened.
He hit me up with a message in a journal about technical help for Aweworld.
I knew who he was, I mean, who didn't. I've seen him around since he started out decades ago, I noticed when he disappeared from the scene for a awhile and was glad when he came back and rocketed up to new heights in art and community.
Many times over the years I had considered saying hello but never dared.
Now, upon invitation, I messaged him and he helped me through my coding hurdle. I knew he was a busy person and I didn't try to overstay my welcome more then needed. I wanted to respect his time.
Looking at the timings now, I think its when I started acting on my lessons from Minimikes passing that something clicked.
Brief interactions turned longer and he started to message me frequently. To my surprise I soon found myself with a new very good friend.
I understood how thin he was stretched though, with all the people and projects he had going on, and the job/family issues he'd sometimes let slip.
I only today realize the full extent of how truly much he put himself out there for others, from listening to other peoples stories.
He and I ended up with an unspoken agreement of sorts; My door was always open for when he needed it, and he could message me whenever he wanted a distraction to muse about thoughts and ideas we both enjoyed, vorish or otherwise, and we'd leave all the bothersome stuff outside.
It felt good to give back to someone like him, who always seemed to give so much of himself to the world.
He was never one to ask of anything, but I think he greatly enjoyed getting unprompted gifts. In the end I wish I had given him much much more.
I made a mistake: I slipped! I believed I had more time.
I had taken his presence for granted. And now he is gone.
I've grieved. Now its time for "Lessons learned." and filling the hole he left behind.
Not only do I need to reinforce what I initially forgot, but I also have a lot to learn and improve on from my time with Forest.
I need to get out of my cage.
First, is that I would have never gotten to know this wonderful person if he had not reached out to me. It would never have occurred to me to dare to bother someone like him.
Who knows how many great people I've missed out on. How many great Friendships? All because I never tried or dared say hello.
I've seen a lot of people around over the years I've thought it'd be neat to talk to. I'm going to reach out more.
Second. The kind of sunshine of positivity Forest spread around himself and the community he fostered was on a whole other level.
I can never match him, I'm not built that way. But if I want to be a fraction of that kind of positive force that can be there for others I need to try to be out there more. I might be reiterating the first point some, but I need to dare to be heard rather then just sit here like a warm rock you 'might' happen upon.
I need to take part and speak up more.
Lastly.
I've been afraid of uploading too much, because it felt like I was advertising myself. And that was bad?
But its okay to be a little selfish and express yourself and what you like.
I want to share more of my characters. Show off the many gifts and commissions I've gotten over the years.
I want to be seen more.
Still here? Well, if you want to reach out and talk sometime. Hit me up!
I'm trying to improve.
First, Foster's sudden death hit me very acutely, even though I knew him not at all. I fear I left a bad first impression on him out of sheer social awkwardness. But I recognized a real class act when I saw one, he had a LOT of interesting thoughts on the vore subculture and the fandom, and he was a real keystone of the community. I am very sad that he is gone.
The other is... think of you posting your artwork as not self-advertising, but a *contribution to the community.* People like your art! There is nothing wrong with that! It's a way of giving back - I post not to give myself any popularity, but to help advertise the artists I commission, and to give those few that might like my weird art some joy in their lives.
You're a wonderful contributor, Evoc. Don't underrate yourself so badly.
On a more positive note- yes! UPLOAD THE THINGIES!
I kind of had the same kick in the pants with minimike. Guy was such a goofy ball of energy. Always being dumb and messaging me something hilarious.
But yeah. I've been trying to do more of that too. Poking people more, putting myself out there more...it's hard. But also worth it.
Looking forward to seeing your stuff. Always liked what little I've seen.
I'm not an artist of any type, yet. Don't know if I ever will be. But one thing I know for sure, is that I'd like to actually reach out and make more friends in this community I've loved for nearly two decades, now. I absolutely must! Never tomorrow, always today! I wish you the absolute best on your journey to improve, as well. <3 <3 I'd love to get to know the group Forest blessed so much. Much love.
But yeah, just reaching out to people and maybe becoming friends is pretty cool.
While we havent been close or even spoken in some time, I felt it was worth noting that never have I ever felt left alone, turned away, or neglected by you. A mutual friend of ours has shared some the art theyve done, pictures of your characters, and it brings a smile to my face to know that you are still out there, active, engaging with your friends. And while I might miss some of the past times, back in years when I had more free time and energy to be social, I have only fond memories of the times we spent together and no regrets.
You have been a great friend to those you've touched, as well, and even if you can't see it yourself I hope it brings you comfort and joy to know that you have touched many of us, too. You may not be able to be friends with everyone, but those of us that had you in our lives thus far are lucky.
Hope you're doing well.
Its great to see you around, too, even if theres so very very little time to interact. So busy, always busy, never enough time in the day for all the things that I wanna do and people I wish I could keep up with. So its lovely to see glimpses of your existence here and there, mostly from that mutual friend.
Here's to hoping we can improve on our issues, interacting better with others.. trying to create those good memories we crave.
We can, inevitably, only move forward. But if we reflect, perhaps in a good direction too.
Even to this day, I rarely poke people first but have been improving in other aspects.
Plus Forest was amazing, never got to meet him myself but I've only heard the best. Has made me think about the friends I have, made me want to reach out to them more.
But yeah, wishing best for you Evoc, be nice to see more, and your other characters too.
Keep being cool big guy, those close will always be happy to have you.
So, with my own feelings, I'm not surprised to read your journal and learn that he was, as I figured, a pretty good guy. I now wish I'd reached out to him when I had the chance to. When I heard of the news...it really hit me suddenly, like, why? Why'd that have to happen?
I saw a couple old friends in the fandom pass away last year... Then Dragoneer, now this. It...sucks. And I'm sorry you lost a friend, Evoc.
I know what you mean when talking about being reclusive. I've done it a lot too, partly because there are some people out there that really detest me and I hate conflict, interacting with conflict. It's easy to put yourself away when some people always want to go after you the moment you poke your head out anywhere. But that shouldn't stop me, I know. I'm glad to hear you'll be expanding your scope as well, man.
I'm not really good with energetic people, even if all they do is spread positivity and always see things on the bright side. I made that mistake with Minimike when he approached me many years ago.
Didn't even give him the courtesy of a reply, and its something that has bothered me since that i never did. I at least know he wasn't lonely, surrounded by many friend who care and miss him dearly.
Then i had a friend, one from one of my earliest friend groups, who i had spoken with on and of with and even reconnected after some time with and started making plans with some months earlier pass away.
And that cut deep. Because it was the first time i lost someone close, i've lost relatives like grandparents but while i cared about them, and miss them. Part of your brain still knows it, when they are pushing 90 years old that, they likely don't have a long time left. So you always treat the times you meet them like it is the last time.
But when you lose a friend who's so young, its nothing you can ever be prepared for.
The greatest gift you can give to the world, I think, is yourself. You are one of a kind and worth seeing. That goes to everyone reading this. It's easy to see that value in others, and easier still to admire it. But it's so much harder to see it in yourself and bring that light to the people around you.
Thank you for being another place for wuff to rest his head when he needed it. Heck knows we did all we could for him, and that he often needed it. My dms are open to you too, stranger though I am, if you ever need somewhere to rest your head. Like you, I wanna pay what he gave me forward.
- Katie
Self-worth is a struggle. That's why you put yourself out there, be there for others, make yourself heard. Over the last few weeks I've found there's been so many wonderful people around!
I hope to see you around too Katie. Let your voice be heard, its fantastic!
I think I'd like to be a bit less reclusive, too. It's one thing that I have a hard time figuring out what I want to say, but I've definitely got to find a better way of dealing with that than staying silent and later regretting that I stayed silent, or spending hours overthinking the simplest messages.
You were actually one of the first I saw here way back when I was lurking before I even made an account, so I'm looking forward to seeing more of what you've got to share!
Last few weeks I been trying hard, but starting to notice myself going back to old habits now and then.
Its scary to put yourself out there, but less so the more you do it.