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3 years, yeesh!
3 months ago
I realized it's been dang near 3 years since my last journal. That's crazy!
There really isn't an excuse, and hardly an explanation.
Us, here in the furry community, aren't unfamiliar with mental health issues. Well, that's the crux of it, I've a few different matters there, intermingled with the physical.
Long and short is ADHD and some dramatically nasty anxiety means medication is a tightrope walk. "Try this medication" it causes self-harm tics. "Try that medication, but now you can't be on that other medication", it turns out that other medication is far more necessary. Whoops," "Here's this medication" and enjoy the insomnia.
I don't think I've spoken much of physical health here, maybe the odd snippet here or there in my gallery.
Long and short or the matter, I was born at 26 weeks, aka severely premature.
The trauma of being birthed lead to some bleeding in the brain, which caused a blockage where cerebral-spinal fluid leaves the brain. This blockage is right by the brain stem, it's too high risk an area to surgically remove it.
In some cases the body just naturally dislodges? Dissolves? I've actually never asked what happens when...the problem is no longer there. Regardless, sometimes the problem goes *poof* and yeah, everything is hunky-dory!
It hasn't in my case (I won't complain because given my birth circumstances and what could've happened, I am incredibly lucky. I have my sight, I have my mental faculties, physically I'm largely healthy, I can walk and run, my coordination issues are relatively minor! Many don't have that luck)
This blockage creates what's known as "hydrocephalus", more colloquially known as "water on the brain". Where the interior of the brain fill with fluid, in my case, cerebral-spinal fluid. Due to the normal passageway of the fluid leaving the brain being blocked, in my case it
To rectify this, and y'know, keep my all not dead and such, they install a tube and pump system known as a VP Shunt.
It pumps the fluid from my brain, into my abdomen where the body just treats it as waste.
How it effects (both while functioning and malfunctioning) a person varies, I think based on where the build up happens to put the most pressure (apparently, in a lot of people malfunction of the shunt causes balance and coordination issues)
For me, both while it's functioning, and even when it's not I get nasty headaches and migraines.
When it's malfunctioning though, as pressure builds there extra things that will crop up (for example I'll get audiotory and visual hallucinations). Headaches are what I always notice.
For the first time in my life, doctors are offering prescription medications. Unfortunately, so far, no luck, run out of the oral medications and now am going through the injection ones. Been close, a 30 day injection worked amazingly....for 2 weeks. Then it was 2 weeks of more severe (likely "rebound") headaches.
More extreme methods are being discussed, like botox (which nnng).
Which further hinders things and is killer on focus and progress.
I've a referral, and need to make an appointment with the neurologist, and we'll check my shunt and it's function (it's been...12 years....it's supposed to be yearly at a minimum) and see if anything is going on there to increase the headaches.
I figured out my core issue with posting (because I've been drawing and am even considering doing art and subsequent prints for selling to tourists, and perhaps looking into further avenues).
It's anxiety, it has shown me some issues that are far more deeply rooted than I'd realized. Stuff like "I don't like this piece (usually due to perfectionism and not being "good enough") how can I expect others to like it?"
Sometimes "like" is replaced with other words "care/ care for" or "hate". Usually just connected to "It should be better". Stuff clearly more self-esteem and anxiety driven.
There's a lot I want to do, more I want to share. Did you guys know I've an official fursona? Yeah, most don't because the anxiety has frozen me from starting(it feels overwhelming) and only like 3 people have seen her., pfft
I've considered bringing back the idea of having the Hubby play manager, but there's been some chaos, so that'd be a minute.
Will I be posting anytime soon? Hopefully, but who knows.
I need to figure out how to either quash or work with that anxiety first.
If you've made it through this muck, thank you! I appreciate you taking that time!
Hopefully, I'll post an update soon with news that's more exciting
There really isn't an excuse, and hardly an explanation.
Us, here in the furry community, aren't unfamiliar with mental health issues. Well, that's the crux of it, I've a few different matters there, intermingled with the physical.
Long and short is ADHD and some dramatically nasty anxiety means medication is a tightrope walk. "Try this medication" it causes self-harm tics. "Try that medication, but now you can't be on that other medication", it turns out that other medication is far more necessary. Whoops," "Here's this medication" and enjoy the insomnia.
I don't think I've spoken much of physical health here, maybe the odd snippet here or there in my gallery.
Long and short or the matter, I was born at 26 weeks, aka severely premature.
The trauma of being birthed lead to some bleeding in the brain, which caused a blockage where cerebral-spinal fluid leaves the brain. This blockage is right by the brain stem, it's too high risk an area to surgically remove it.
In some cases the body just naturally dislodges? Dissolves? I've actually never asked what happens when...the problem is no longer there. Regardless, sometimes the problem goes *poof* and yeah, everything is hunky-dory!
It hasn't in my case (I won't complain because given my birth circumstances and what could've happened, I am incredibly lucky. I have my sight, I have my mental faculties, physically I'm largely healthy, I can walk and run, my coordination issues are relatively minor! Many don't have that luck)
This blockage creates what's known as "hydrocephalus", more colloquially known as "water on the brain". Where the interior of the brain fill with fluid, in my case, cerebral-spinal fluid. Due to the normal passageway of the fluid leaving the brain being blocked, in my case it
To rectify this, and y'know, keep my all not dead and such, they install a tube and pump system known as a VP Shunt.
It pumps the fluid from my brain, into my abdomen where the body just treats it as waste.
How it effects (both while functioning and malfunctioning) a person varies, I think based on where the build up happens to put the most pressure (apparently, in a lot of people malfunction of the shunt causes balance and coordination issues)
For me, both while it's functioning, and even when it's not I get nasty headaches and migraines.
When it's malfunctioning though, as pressure builds there extra things that will crop up (for example I'll get audiotory and visual hallucinations). Headaches are what I always notice.
For the first time in my life, doctors are offering prescription medications. Unfortunately, so far, no luck, run out of the oral medications and now am going through the injection ones. Been close, a 30 day injection worked amazingly....for 2 weeks. Then it was 2 weeks of more severe (likely "rebound") headaches.
More extreme methods are being discussed, like botox (which nnng).
Which further hinders things and is killer on focus and progress.
I've a referral, and need to make an appointment with the neurologist, and we'll check my shunt and it's function (it's been...12 years....it's supposed to be yearly at a minimum) and see if anything is going on there to increase the headaches.
I figured out my core issue with posting (because I've been drawing and am even considering doing art and subsequent prints for selling to tourists, and perhaps looking into further avenues).
It's anxiety, it has shown me some issues that are far more deeply rooted than I'd realized. Stuff like "I don't like this piece (usually due to perfectionism and not being "good enough") how can I expect others to like it?"
Sometimes "like" is replaced with other words "care/ care for" or "hate". Usually just connected to "It should be better". Stuff clearly more self-esteem and anxiety driven.
There's a lot I want to do, more I want to share. Did you guys know I've an official fursona? Yeah, most don't because the anxiety has frozen me from starting(it feels overwhelming) and only like 3 people have seen her., pfft
I've considered bringing back the idea of having the Hubby play manager, but there's been some chaos, so that'd be a minute.
Will I be posting anytime soon? Hopefully, but who knows.
I need to figure out how to either quash or work with that anxiety first.
If you've made it through this muck, thank you! I appreciate you taking that time!
Hopefully, I'll post an update soon with news that's more exciting
Something my husband has been telling me is to "stop apologizing for not posting/making art/etc." We're people, not machines. We make art, not content. :)
But I also understand where you're coming from in terms of art, anxiety, and being unhappy with one's work. If I stop posting for extended lengths of time, I go right back to that anxiety of not wanting to, myself lol.
Your "it should be better" sounds a lot like my "I could've done more." Neither of these are quantifiable goals with specific outcomes. It only fuels my feelings of inadequacy without offering a tangible solution.
But you probably already know that haha~ I just try to adjust my personal expectations to be something within my reach and build on it little by little. It ain't easy, but you got this!
(And remember, progress isn't always linear! )
I'm wishing you the best in regards to your physical well-being and finding a solution to it all sooner rather than later.
And I do apologize if my thoughts here are a bit rambly/incoherent haha~ I'm not functioning at 100% myself right now lol
Take care of yourself! Talk soon! <3
I wanted to let you know I have seen it, and do appreciate it <3 It did give me stuff to ponder over!