Bad. I’ve posted call-outs like this but now I’m just in a worse place, probably the worst I’ve ever been in.

Things have been horrible these last few months. I haven’t been in a good or stable mental state at all. Don’t worry, I still have all twenty beans on my paws, food, shelter, all that. I just feel completely hopeless and scared, all the time, no matter how secure I am outside.

I’m really trying to be positive and friendly towards everyone, but everything just feels like it’s falling apart all around me all the time and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I just feel so alone. I have a partner, an absolutely amazing and wonderful man that I still can’t believe I was able to bag, and I would literally die for him, but I don’t think he truly understands what I’m going through, and he has a hard time helping. I don’t blame him for it, I can’t expect him to be a therapist for me, that would be selfish of me to expect that. He’s only a furry fox after all.


But as to what I actually feel, just hopeless, desperate, and above all, worthless. I feel like a failure at everything I ever try to do. I feel like no matter how much effort I put into anything, nothing ever comes of it. Either others don’t appreciate me for it, or I just feel nothing towards it. No accomplishment, no pride, no security, anything at all.
I want to make people happy so badly, I do admit I’m entirely a people pleaser, but I’m falling apart just trying, and seemingly failing all the time. Nothing I do anymore even for myself makes me happy. I used to be a huge Lego enthusiast, now my shelf means nothing to me. I’m a die-hard Kerbal Space Program player, and now it just feels like a waste of time. I want to love drawing and painting so bad, but I just feel like I’m banging my stupid fucking head against the wall whenever I try to commit to it at all. I want to enjoy it but I just can’t, even if I can clearly see improvement.
I think I’m just not happy right now, and I feel like shit for it since I have no right to be unhappy about anything. I’ve never had to struggle or work hard for anything in my life, and even now that I do have to work hard for things I just feel drained more than accomplished.
Every fucking day I have to keep fighting my brain just to try and convince myself to be happy. I don’t know why I can’t, I’ve tried for so long, I’ve done everything I can why can’t I be fucking happy even for one day?

I can’t remember the last time I got good sleep. I’ve had maybe one single day this entire year (which we’re already half through) that I actually enjoyed, which was my partner’s birthday. I don’t even anticipate enjoying my own that much.

I’m trying so hard to be nice and kind to everyone around me. I think you all see that from the comments I regularly post here. But I’ve just gotten so much worse in these last few months, years even.


I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, but if any one of you who I regularly chat with has any amount of time to spare, could I please chat with someone?
I feel fucking awful already asking this, I hate doing this. I feel so uncomfortable asking for anyone’s time for myself but I don’t know where else to turn to. I just need someone to talk to. Even if it’s just a small chat about something completely unrelated, or a full-blown venting session. I just need someone to talk to so badly.

If you don’t have the time to talk, that’s okay. I understand that people have their own priorities set out, and I won’t think any less of anyone for it.

This is probably the most desperate I’ve ever been. So I’m sorry for the extraordinarily long rant. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for at least reading. It means a lot to me already.