*hugs*

🫂

I feel like not many people could come up with poetic words after baring their hearts out like you just did.

I dont think I can say many or any words that could help that despair you feel, all I can do is hope that you can get the help you need and sooner rather than later; I've had that same desire for death for the longest time and I got a therapist that helped me start the path away from that desire, even if it was a long path.

thank you for the comment.

I am glad you are on the path of hope again. I have slipped through so many therapists and I don't know what I talked about with them or how it was effective. Art was my only companion in life and now it feels less effective.

That's an unfortunate aspect of therapists: sometimes they just arent the right person you should be talking to at that time or the right person for you. It took me like 5 different therapists to land on 1 that worked for me and even with the correct one, it took a while before the right questions started getting asked. For the most part, it was venting that I can barely recall, except for the 2 or 3 questions that really hammered into my soul.

And thank you. I hope art can be your companion again, at least in some shape or form, soon. Just, please be kind to yourself, ok? In despair, we see the worst in us amplified, like a big poisonous mirror, makes it easy to give up in ourselves.

Please be kind to yourself, give yourself space to rest and breathe. You are deserving of love and care, just as you are, right now.

thank you for the comment.
I find it extremely odd that if I don't say anything, no one will know.

"if you feel lonely be your own friend" , the only thought in your head when you have so much to share and tell, but you think that no one is interested. Maybe you should stop and give yourself a rest, or drown yourself in escapism... you are still alive if there are more simple positive interesting thoughts in your head than the desire to die, I understand
always need fuel
*hugs*

thank you for the comment.

I feel like I've burned myself out and withered away. Look at the huge archive I have uploaded to my profile. I wonder why I did that. I miss art. I hope I can start it again with Art Fight.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling so much. And I'm sorry to read about how difficult life has been for you. I wish I could give you a hug right now.

Many years ago I wanted to die, because I felt very lonely and hopeless. But things got better. It took many years and I needed lots of help but I got better. I'm happy that I'm still alive, even though my life isn't perfect.

You're not alone, and please remember life can get better.

thank you for the comment.

Glad to hear you're recovered. I feel like I've been in the same place for 30 years when it comes to suicidal thoughts. It sounds like some weird magic spell because I can't imagine what "recovered" means.

🫂 I don't have much to say but I understand.

>In the end, if I don't meet a doctor who has the right qualifications, understands me, and has time, my wish will not come true.

I will say that I'd take this as a sign if this happens. I've been struggling with feeling secondary and unimportant to people in my life, and I'm treatment resistant to over a decade of medication and therapy attempts. The unpredictable-ness of life is what's currently keeping me going. I couldn't imagine being in the place I am (positively) 5 years ago, or even a decade ago. I spent Christmas 2020 considering suicide, only to get with my ex on Christmas 2024. I'm alone again but the fact a connection happened in the first place makes me hope it won't be like this forever.

I feel that life is unpredictable and life is repetitive. I feel that I have been repeating the same thing for 30 years. I hope for something and then lose it. It's a repetition. There are many changes, and the only thing that remains the same for me is that I am heading towards death. The important thing is that I want to take the reins of my own destination.

I understand, it gets hard to want to keep going when loss has happened over and over. I wish the best for you regardless 🫂

I think the most harrowing thing reading through all of your journals is how easy it is to assume someone isn't suffering on the other side just because they don't put it on display. How easy it is to forget how human and hurt someone can be by words, or in some cases, a lack of words.

You and I are in similar places in different worlds. I, too, feel alone, and have grown disheartened with my own work. I felt abandoned by those I loved and trusted, and empty when I look at what once had those memories attached to them. It hurts, mentally, physically, and spiritually, and reading your journals, I hurt with you. I've admitted myself to intensive therapy again because this isn't what I deserve, to be unhappy so much. And you deserve to love and be loved, for who you are, and what you do for yourself. However, if you cannot or do not wish to pursue recovery, then I hope you find peace- I have always loved your work, but like you, I struggle my whole life with much the same.

I very much enjoyed when we did talk, and traded pieces of art. I loved your characters, melancholy and realistic, wholesome, and in a way, comforting. I struggle to put feelings to words, so I struggle to speak with others, and speaking only when someone is breaking shouldn't be normalized; I should have spoke and reached out before, but I've withdrawn again, and know how easy it is to forget how much time passes for it. You deserve better than what you were given, and I hope you know how much you mean to even a small number of people regardless your choices.

To live for others is to abandon yourself. It was hard for me to understand, but it is true. I hope for you the peace you deserve, however it comes to you. You are loved, and always will be, even if it is hard to see it. Someone will always think of you, when you forget yourself. And regardless the choices, it will be with love for the good you made. I cannot change a mind, but I can hope I can still speak with you, ever you want or need it in days, months, and years ahead.

There is no happy ending like in a story. Life is a continuous struggle. We usually don't show our suffering so as not to make others suffer. And death comes suddenly. I am scared of my imagination that is weakening day by day.

Thank you for trading art with me. After the time when my parents were everything to me, art has always been with me for the past 27 years, and I felt that I could survive with just art and friends. Now I'm not like that. Because I realized that my parents, art, and friends are not absolute. And now I have nothing to rely on. I loved my characters and the characters of the people around them, but now I don't know how to touch them. Life is long and it goes by so quickly. I don't want to forget anything, but I do. And I can't forget the bad things. The best choice is always difficult.

Thank you for leaving a comment.

I've looked into that abyss, I've considered self-annihilation, and what I realised, at the moment I knew I could do it, is that if you have the strength to defeat the body's instinct to live, then you have the strength to defeat your problems.
Forgive my armchair diagnosis, but to me it sounds like your mother inadvertently wired you early on to associate death with comfort. My parents did similar things, mother was bipolar and father was a narcissist, and their "lessons" were mostly abuse and passing on trauma that affected my life later on until I recalled and processed the events.
You're more than your parents sickness. You're more than a clockwork toy that your parents wound up and runs around doing the same thing until you run down. You have agency, you have choice, you have will.
And you have joy and beauty in you, everyone who has seen your work has felt it.
I can't speak for your experience or where your head is at, but to me it sounds like your depression is keeping you shut-in and not moving, which is circling back and hurting you physically and mentally. Going outside, staying active, finding distractions and challenges can get you through another day.
If you're interested, I could link some of the resources that helped me, mostly exercise and self-help.
And remember, you're not alone. Especially as a community of artists, a lot of us here have gone through or are going through mental illness, depression, and drama, and can lend an ear or give advice.

thank you for the comment.
I once had things I liked about myself. Blue, creatures, games. Now they don't shine as brightly as they used to. The only thing that exists is my family, but now I realize that they are strangers. I've always been looking for where I am, but I guess it's not something you can find by searching. I'm not a native English speaker, so it's hard to read through, but I'm surprised at how many people have sympathized with this.

I'll go ahead and leave some of the things that helped me.
At any rate, you might enjoy the art in Be Here Now and Shen Ku, even if the scans aren't the best.

https://archive.org/details/be-here-now-pdfdrive
https://s3.us-west-1.wasabisys.com/.....The%20Book.pdf
https://archive.org/details/maxwell.....ho-cybernetics
https://archive.org/details/the-art.....verse-pdfdrive
https://archive.org/details/ThePowerOfChiBETA

Hi I'm a relatively new fan that you drew art for once in artfight and commission for the chiro train, we're not close or know eachother much at all, but I read through all your previous recent journals, and I gotta say... I really do get it.

I've dealt with suicidal ideation for a long time, I had an attempt when I was 13 and the urge to die has never really gone away, in fact in recent years it's been more apparent, especially since I dealt with the death of a family member and also losing friends (even if they were not very kind to me in hindsight) years back. The repetition you describe I feel also incredibly, I would deal with the fear of 'why should I form new bonds when they'll be taken away? And why form any happy memories when they'll inevitably turn bitter and painful?' With also the various real world situations going on, I've ended up even feeling like it would be better if the world ended so no one hurts anymore.

I don't have solutions to those questions, but I do know that trauma and illness have a way of convincing you that this is all you'll be and this is what everything will be. I've often felt that pain and agony is the only thing I'll ever experience and all there is, in some ways I still feel that's true. I was haunted when you wrote you were told 'life is an abusive cycle', because that was a conclusion I've ended up coming into many times. In many ways, yes, life is suffering, life is pain, but to say it's only pain and suffering is not true, life is also joy, life is also sadness, life is also love, life is also death, life is also growth, and life can be better.

Honestly, for me it has mostly felt like suffering, so I understand if what I wrote above isn't a comfort as it's not really something that comforted me at my worst, I still feel terrible about the traumatic things that happened to me in the last few years to even childhood. I don't think it's possible to ever get past them, trauma will stick with you for a long time if not forever, but... it's possible to learn to manage them, to take small steps and learn better on how to deal with them. It may not seem like much, and things will still hurt, I don't expect good things from the future either, I know there's a lot of trauma I'm going to face, but that's okay, it's okay to feel tired, to feel scared, I'm so tired and scared too, but we're still here, and those small steps are so important because it shows that the pain we're in doesn't have to last forever, it can lessen, even if just a tiny bit, and maybe more so in the future, and future traumas can be more manageable too with experience.

You also mention that you've lost your art and many other things, that's also okay. It's okay to be lost, I've been lost many times and I've had to go through many internal journeys to find myself. I don't know if there's any exact advice I can give as everyone's journey is different, to be honest I'm still in the process of figuring out what I want to do in life and what I want most out of it, but the beautiful thing about being lost is that we are free to find our paths for as long as we like.

I cannot physically stop you from whatever action you take, but I do wish you well and happy, and I hope I at least gave an interesting read if my words didn't comfort you. Please take good care of yourself, you are more loved than you think.

thank you for the comment.

I'm sorry that you are in such a situation. I feel like we are like travelers who meet on the way. Thank you for sharing so much. I feel that we are living our lives as we have no choice, but if it is technologically possible to overcome trauma and have hope, I think that would be wonderful.

this all feels... familiar and very heavy. but you should have control over your own life, your own way of experiencing love, and so whatever you do... it is your own. and i support your choice if you feel you are suffering too much to go on. times seem harder every day, and it sounds as if family does not support you and neither do people you once thought would. it sounds lonesome, and painful. i hope better times are ahead. but if you feel they won't be, i understand. i've had major depressive disorder from neglect/abuse of a parent since i was 15, and was discarded by 'friends' when their creations inspired by my creations took off... so i feel you. i feel you, kiki. and i am so sorry.

long time no see, and thank you for the comment.

We don't get to choose our parents, and the hurt feelings of love from our early years stay with us for the rest of our lives. People suddenly change their minds and move on, and it leaves scars. There's really no reason for us to suffer this way.

*Hugs*

I understand you....

And I believe, thet after dark night will be bright dawn. Bad times can't be eternal.

thank you for the comment.

I'm not much a commenter- Hell, this might be the first FA comment I've even made- But I wanted to say that the things you've taken part in creating have been extremely influential in my life. Some of the best people I've met- life changing ones- I never would've crossed paths with had Vilous not brought me into the communities it did. I'm sure I'm not the only one, and I'll always remember it. I didn't want to miss the chance to thank you. <3

thank you for the comment.
I'm just happy that Vilous fans have found a home and are enjoying my work. Because what I've created is already yours. If Vilous was more comfortable for me, I might have been happy about it as if it were my own. That's the most unfortunate part about this.