My condition remains poor, and I barely remember anything after May. I've lost my focus, my sense of safety, and my sense of place. While I've found shallow water to breathe in the past, my nights are getting deeper and longer each day. My primary symptom is a continued loss of self and faith (not a specific religion, but the spiritual direction necessary for the human organism to function).

Medically, my doctor has again prescribed lithium carbonate, which takes three weeks to take effect (it has previously caused me to develop economy class syndrome and thrombosis). I tried CBD oil, recommended by several people who provided me with information, but it didn't have any noticeable effect. I also underwent genetic testing for ADHD, and my folate levels were normal, as was my stress tolerance (meaning supplements wouldn't improve my chances of recovery). There was talk of hospitalization, but my mother didn't want it to be in a closed ward if it were (for suicidal thoughts). Ketamine treatment is an option, but it's expensive (around $3,000), and while some people are willing to donate, it's still unclear when they'll actually working the plan. Techniques like behavioral therapy, including EDMR, are not yet common in Japan, and I haven't been able to find a hospital that offers it so far(but I need to try find). I still waiting new doctor's schedule but he is too busy and I don't know when he open more space.

My biggest obstacles aren't the money, but rather my own failure experiences and my fear of setting a direction because I don't know what direction to go in. Donations are meant to appeal to people who want me to recover. But I can't help thinking, "People are hoping for my recovery. I'm hoping for my recovery as if it were a fantasy. Like a dream. What if I make people spend their real money, time, and effort on something so uncertain, and then fail? I'll just become more and more miserable, and people will be disappointed that I don't recover. If that's the case, shouldn't I just die without anyone knowing? I have a dark, shadowy personality, something I was born with, and the recovery I imagine is magical, and it doesn't exist." I don't know if this is right or wrong. Every time I say "I need help," it's as if thorns of emptiness are digging into my body, burning a hole inside.

The sense of art is far away. It appears for a moment in my dreams in the morning, or disappears into old music, but it evaporates without being shared with anyone. As a Japanese speaker, I feel a language barrier here, and the Japanese community has no place for me to speak like this, so I feel trapped.