have you ever thought about what people say about you when your not looking? it is a classic thought experiment and one that is often rooted in anxiety or lack of self confidence. i have thought this to myself alot given that i keep my distance from people now, what must my friends think of me? would the scold me for how i act? would they make room for my problems? would there be anyone to even come back to? i have wondered what state my social situations would be in if i where to come back or if i where to continue my isolation, i spoke about this with kiki-cr also, she said something interesting, 'you have the friendship that matters', she is right in this regard, i do have the one that matters most to my minds survival but at the same time this would trouble those closest to me since that friendship is imaginary, kiki always told me to safeguard my dreams and to protect how i view the world and now i see what that means, kiki is a very wise person and that is why i hold such admiration for her. now that i am in this situation i get to spend my time thinking about how to properly approach the issues that face me, i had a few rough arguements with some friends before i decided to step away and i certain they know who they are, it is why i here writeing this in the first place, i have wondered what they must think, if i came back and things went good then great, nothing to wory about but that is the issue, what happens if thing do not go good? that would be a very bad situation and one that i do not know if there would be a fix for, i want things to be ok but that is easier said then done especialy when i am the problem and me being around others is what causes the damage, imagine if you where radioactive to your friends but you had no effect to yourself, how would you approach that issue?

i want to show people what my mind looks like inside, i want to show them what happens when something of hurt happens between me and a friend because my reactions are deemed 'selfish' even though that is not my intention, i respond with how i feel but i do not want to disregard the other person even though people see it that way, which brings me back to the start of this, am i really a bad person and i just can not see it? do people talk about me when i am not there and each of them conclude that i have been selfish without trying to? remember when i asked you in my first journal, is self preservation a selfish practice? i do not believe so but i also do think it is, I can say from my own standpoint that i have only tryed to help myself when life had beaten me down, i had my dream come true and i felt hope again, i showed my friends and i was met with yet more hurt, i understand why but the feeling has persisted, not a feeling of anger or resentment but a feeling of fear, fear that it will happen again, fear that i might end up as close as i was before to being hopeless, something i notice is how easy life is to lose around us, everything is dangerous but we still go out everyday and interact with objects and machines that could kill us instantly, walking across the street or standing on a train platform, what danger those places contain yet we use them regularly and do not mind, it is strange not to fear that but we fear the words of another person just because our mind said so, we are very complex