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How to end a toxic online friendship?
a month ago
Don't worry, this isn't about anyone on FA or even anyone you guys would know, just a discord friend I've had for a long time.
Basically, this person is constantly argumentative and negative and problematic it affects my life and gives me way too much unneeded stress. I have had to give up other online interactions because he was involved and ruined it. I stopped streaming on twitch because I didn't want to have to deal with him causing drama and fights but was too ashamed to ban him because we are friends. I also have other friends who refuse to come to my stream or have left my discord server because he is in there. I have tried talking with him about his behaviors and setting boundaries but he just ignores it. Even if I say I don't feel like talking about negative things right now or don't feel like arguing right now, he will just continue anyway.
I have decided I definitely want to end the friendship, and have been stressing about it for about a week, but I don't know how to do it. I feel like I "owe" them an explanation, but I don't think it will help either of us (I don't need particular closure, and he will not learn or grow from any reason I give). I feel like giving an explanation will not help either of us deal, and I will feel guilty equally whether I do or not. I feel the risk of him creating alt accounts to stalk and harass me are pretty much equal whether I give a reason or not.
But still, something is stopping me from just ghosting and blocking. It just feels "wrong." So I've been trying to think of what to say to him to break it off. But I just have no idea. It's so difficult. Does anyone have any idea on how to break it to him that I don't want to be friends anymore? Or should I just ghost and block like I originally felt?
I talked about this a little in therapy, but basically all the advice I got was "you have to find out what is right for you," mostly because I moved on from that topic because I had bigger issues I wanted to talk about that day. The problem is I don't know what is right for me lol.
Basically, this person is constantly argumentative and negative and problematic it affects my life and gives me way too much unneeded stress. I have had to give up other online interactions because he was involved and ruined it. I stopped streaming on twitch because I didn't want to have to deal with him causing drama and fights but was too ashamed to ban him because we are friends. I also have other friends who refuse to come to my stream or have left my discord server because he is in there. I have tried talking with him about his behaviors and setting boundaries but he just ignores it. Even if I say I don't feel like talking about negative things right now or don't feel like arguing right now, he will just continue anyway.
I have decided I definitely want to end the friendship, and have been stressing about it for about a week, but I don't know how to do it. I feel like I "owe" them an explanation, but I don't think it will help either of us (I don't need particular closure, and he will not learn or grow from any reason I give). I feel like giving an explanation will not help either of us deal, and I will feel guilty equally whether I do or not. I feel the risk of him creating alt accounts to stalk and harass me are pretty much equal whether I give a reason or not.
But still, something is stopping me from just ghosting and blocking. It just feels "wrong." So I've been trying to think of what to say to him to break it off. But I just have no idea. It's so difficult. Does anyone have any idea on how to break it to him that I don't want to be friends anymore? Or should I just ghost and block like I originally felt?
I talked about this a little in therapy, but basically all the advice I got was "you have to find out what is right for you," mostly because I moved on from that topic because I had bigger issues I wanted to talk about that day. The problem is I don't know what is right for me lol.
You gave him more than enough chances from the sound of it, and he squandered it. Knowing you as a person, I know you would be trying your best in this situation. So even though this other person is a stranger to me... If there's conflict between you two, then it's almost certainly his fault.
I agree with the other commenters, and I agree that you seem to be an emotional hostage to him. Don't let him control you, and especially don't let him affect your other relationships. It's okay to dump somebody sometimes.
I'd say goodbye, but be firm and not let him try to rope you into more dialogue. Say you're closing things out between you and him, then block and remove from your socials. If he tries to push other places, block there too. If he tries to use mutual contacts to speak to you for him, politely ask that mutual contact to not relay messages from him, as you are entirely done with him. (That last one is likely to happen, from the sound of this person. I would not be surprised if they will try to speak through other people. If this happens, this is wrong of them too, and the third party doesn't deserve that.)
And yeah, this guy will probably get angry. Remember: It's not your fault if he's mad from his own poor choices and decisions leading him to losing contact with you. Certainly not if you've tried all the positive methods already, which it sounds like you have.
It's also obvious he doesn't respect you at all which is the baseline courtesy any friend should have - even a complete stranger would grant you more baseline respect and courtesy than they are.
Don't feel a shred of guilt leaving, he's doing it entirely to himself and it's entirely a consequence of his decisions. And don't feel scared about feeling lonely either, everything you enjoy is shared by millions of other people, the literal only barrier between you and finding more people to connect with is effort and time.
Keep taking shots in the dark and eventually you'll hit something! After all, you had those people before but he ruined that for you, no reason you can't do it again.
The other very very important thing to keep in mind is even if you block them they might still try and harass you and say they've changed or manipulate you by plucking at your guilt. It's vital you don't engage or humour any of it, don't try and debate or argue or justify, just move on.