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I need a mommy
a week ago
I have been doing horrible
I can barely do anything anymore
I have trouble concentrating I can't do much art it takes so much energy to even try
at times I can barely sit and play videogames
I basically have no willpower left or reason to keep going yet I do for some reason I think I don't have the energy to do anything else
Taking care of myself is a chore
A near impossible chore at this point
All I want is to be held to feel safe to not feel so scared and hopeless
Depression sucks add in extreme loneliness and it's absolute torture
It's painful to just exist at this point
I want to feel safe
Yeah I'm supposed to big a big strong man but I'm not I'm a big naked baby who needs help
I feel safe with women I need to be held to be able to feel vulnerable to feel loved I need someone to take care of me as I just can't do it by myself anymore
It's been almost a year that I've been alone
I can't take it
I need to be held and feel like it's worth it
I feel horrible I feel like a burden
But that's what I am
I need to be taken care of
I'm not capable of doing it alone
I need a mommy
Someone who will love me for who I am even if I can't take care of myself someone who will make me feel safe someone who will comfort me and lie to me and tell me everything will be ok
I wish I could end this in a happy or fun way but I can't
I feel completely alone I feel like I'm dieing like I'm already dead my body just hasn't caught up yet
I can barely do anything anymore
I have trouble concentrating I can't do much art it takes so much energy to even try
at times I can barely sit and play videogames
I basically have no willpower left or reason to keep going yet I do for some reason I think I don't have the energy to do anything else
Taking care of myself is a chore
A near impossible chore at this point
All I want is to be held to feel safe to not feel so scared and hopeless
Depression sucks add in extreme loneliness and it's absolute torture
It's painful to just exist at this point
I want to feel safe
Yeah I'm supposed to big a big strong man but I'm not I'm a big naked baby who needs help
I feel safe with women I need to be held to be able to feel vulnerable to feel loved I need someone to take care of me as I just can't do it by myself anymore
It's been almost a year that I've been alone
I can't take it
I need to be held and feel like it's worth it
I feel horrible I feel like a burden
But that's what I am
I need to be taken care of
I'm not capable of doing it alone
I need a mommy
Someone who will love me for who I am even if I can't take care of myself someone who will make me feel safe someone who will comfort me and lie to me and tell me everything will be ok
I wish I could end this in a happy or fun way but I can't
I feel completely alone I feel like I'm dieing like I'm already dead my body just hasn't caught up yet
Not just because of your artistic talent, but because of your clear desire to put out more good into a world that sorely needs more good in it.
And yeah, it can be difficult for neurospicy people like us to find intrinsic motivation for even just caring for ourselves, especially when we're already feeling down. You can get therapy and medication to help cope with this struggle to function, but at the end of the day, it is work and it sucks.
And it would be nice to have someone who can just take care of you so you can live life without the energy-sapping, thankless, never-ending chore of self-care, but the reality is that there are people out there who would probably love to take care of you from time to time when you feel the need (or desire) to be doted on, but they may need to see you can take care of yourself first. A healthy relationship would likely require you to take care of your friends or partners as well as they take care of you, so I would say treat yourself the way you would treat the sort of person you'd like to attract. Don't worry about fitting a particular mold or label or anything. You are a unique individual, and while there is beauty and freedom in that, it also generally doesn't come with instruction manuals, so we all kind of have to figure out the best way to drive these weird suits of meat and chemicals we live in.
I believe you can do it. You'll likely stumble a few times, but if you keep trying and keep learning both your strengths and limitations, you'll eventually find a rhythm, and I think you'll find a new, brighter life on the other side of this dark period. Maybe that's partially scary to you, maybe you worry there isn't more life on the other side of this, or that you won't be able to meet the moment, but there is if you keep finding the courage to put in the work to live it the best you can every day.
Also, I find it helps to listen to people living with various disabilities, both because it's fascinating, but also encouraging that people with much worse situations than mine can still find ways to live fulfilling lives and spread that message to others. Here's one I'm particularly fond of: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2H7upHDIM4