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I need to vent this now.
2 weeks ago
No it's not about my current living situation still or in regards to my attitude, mindset, etc. I'm not regressing and don't want to don't worry. No, this is about something that happened today for me earlier in my afternoon that I feel ruined my evening and the rest of my day.
I tried joining a VRChat meet-up with a streamer.
Ever since near the end of July, approaching the first week of August, when I downloaded VRC on my phone, that first Sunday of the week I tried joining in on RitualNeo (who streams on Twitch) who does a community meet-up every first Sunday of the month. It did not go well, mainly because of the mobile limitations. Constant lag, people being very low poly for me, battery depletion, and my app crashing halfway in to seeing him, so much it logged me out. So that Sunday I quit seeing him, only due to how bad it is to use on mobile.
Now having my new gaming PC, I have been anticipating having a second chance to meet with Neo. Actually having a functional device and all. So, for the past month I was eager to meet him, see him, talk to him. For an entire month just waiting for last Sunday to come and staying in his server just waiting for an announcement (he streamed today and not last Sunday because he was sick).
Fast forward to today that I actually was able to do that very thing. It was not fun...
I woke up, waited literally the first half of my afternoon to see him, made an announcement for when he was live, and I joined. What I wanted to be me being happy and excited to talk about things (his Fursuit, games I don't know how to play, his color palette, etc) became 2 hours of me staring at my screen, on a balcony or railing of one world, staring at the group below me. Not engaging in any conversation, speaking up, talking to anyone, and remaining silent for 95% of the whole damn thing. Then once Neo was done and took a photoshoot of everyone (yes even me) I left. Because I could not stand myself just staring at my screen again. I did not like being there so bad I didn't want to include myself in the photoshoot... Now if I ever want to do this again with him... I have to wait another month for... >->; I feel I wasted my day, it was a waste of time, and I was in suspense the whole past month for it. Daily. And now I ask myself "really?... all that waiting? For this?" When I did nothing, said nothing, just stayed in the corner of the room staring down at others having fun. Like I see many people talking with groups of others. How the hell am I, as an outsider, supposed to go in and say "hello everyone how are you-" if it means interrupting others and ruining their dynamic?? So I never engaged in that.
Why didn't I engage? Many reasons.
1. Feeling like I will take control of the conversation I am in due to my eagerness to meet him.
2. Not interrupting a conversation already happening.
3. Feeling less important than others in the room, who are used to this and have done it for longer.
4. Feeling stupid by asking how a game works in a certain world.
5. The thought of getting ready to talk to him only for the game world to kill me and make me respawn to make me go "cool... I died. That conversation didn't get anywhere" and then for Neo to move on.
6. Feeling outcasted... like one of the people Neo spoke to was new, like me, as well, but compared to this newcomer.. no one approached me. Only 1 person said something to/about me and it was only about my model (I was a Protogen).
7. Acting like a Child "hello? Please talk to me. Oh I love your model. Wait what's going on? Who are you?" I didn't do any of that.
All of this resulting in my just remaining silent.
Even my own pal
Sephoix friends named Argaron and Orion were in there. I told Sephoix this after I left and he asked if I spoke to them. I said a blatant "no" because of me being in the worlds, recognizing them through him, and going "oh wow, Sephoix' friends are here too? That's cool" and just moving on because of either them being too focused on someone else, the world, reading something, not wanting to talk to me, or some other reason so I never talked to them.
Now, Neo does have a Patreon and states he also does meet-ups every Wednesday for his members, and I have an account, but... how tf does patreon even work? I learned it was a thing like PayPal where you.. donate money to people? And for what? Why? Idk, but if that's the case I do not wanna have to pay for certain subscriptions or whatever on a site I'll never visit, only to become a specific member or whatever, just to see him again...
My main point of the journal? I do not want to join, and will not join, anymore worlds with streamers or even see myself in public spaces regardless. If this is how it's going to be for VR, I am not risking it only for me to feel this way again. I'm done... I waited a whole month for this, it happened, and I did nothing with my time. It... sucked. I hated it. And no I'm not putting any blame on Neo or others for making me feel this way. It's me expecting how I want something to go.. I was too afraid and I hate myself for that... I am never this socially awkward. It happened before with another streamer. I'm not doing this again.
Is this relatable at all? I sure hope so...
I tried joining a VRChat meet-up with a streamer.
Ever since near the end of July, approaching the first week of August, when I downloaded VRC on my phone, that first Sunday of the week I tried joining in on RitualNeo (who streams on Twitch) who does a community meet-up every first Sunday of the month. It did not go well, mainly because of the mobile limitations. Constant lag, people being very low poly for me, battery depletion, and my app crashing halfway in to seeing him, so much it logged me out. So that Sunday I quit seeing him, only due to how bad it is to use on mobile.
Now having my new gaming PC, I have been anticipating having a second chance to meet with Neo. Actually having a functional device and all. So, for the past month I was eager to meet him, see him, talk to him. For an entire month just waiting for last Sunday to come and staying in his server just waiting for an announcement (he streamed today and not last Sunday because he was sick).
Fast forward to today that I actually was able to do that very thing. It was not fun...
I woke up, waited literally the first half of my afternoon to see him, made an announcement for when he was live, and I joined. What I wanted to be me being happy and excited to talk about things (his Fursuit, games I don't know how to play, his color palette, etc) became 2 hours of me staring at my screen, on a balcony or railing of one world, staring at the group below me. Not engaging in any conversation, speaking up, talking to anyone, and remaining silent for 95% of the whole damn thing. Then once Neo was done and took a photoshoot of everyone (yes even me) I left. Because I could not stand myself just staring at my screen again. I did not like being there so bad I didn't want to include myself in the photoshoot... Now if I ever want to do this again with him... I have to wait another month for... >->; I feel I wasted my day, it was a waste of time, and I was in suspense the whole past month for it. Daily. And now I ask myself "really?... all that waiting? For this?" When I did nothing, said nothing, just stayed in the corner of the room staring down at others having fun. Like I see many people talking with groups of others. How the hell am I, as an outsider, supposed to go in and say "hello everyone how are you-" if it means interrupting others and ruining their dynamic?? So I never engaged in that.
Why didn't I engage? Many reasons.
1. Feeling like I will take control of the conversation I am in due to my eagerness to meet him.
2. Not interrupting a conversation already happening.
3. Feeling less important than others in the room, who are used to this and have done it for longer.
4. Feeling stupid by asking how a game works in a certain world.
5. The thought of getting ready to talk to him only for the game world to kill me and make me respawn to make me go "cool... I died. That conversation didn't get anywhere" and then for Neo to move on.
6. Feeling outcasted... like one of the people Neo spoke to was new, like me, as well, but compared to this newcomer.. no one approached me. Only 1 person said something to/about me and it was only about my model (I was a Protogen).
7. Acting like a Child "hello? Please talk to me. Oh I love your model. Wait what's going on? Who are you?" I didn't do any of that.
All of this resulting in my just remaining silent.
Even my own pal
Sephoix friends named Argaron and Orion were in there. I told Sephoix this after I left and he asked if I spoke to them. I said a blatant "no" because of me being in the worlds, recognizing them through him, and going "oh wow, Sephoix' friends are here too? That's cool" and just moving on because of either them being too focused on someone else, the world, reading something, not wanting to talk to me, or some other reason so I never talked to them.Now, Neo does have a Patreon and states he also does meet-ups every Wednesday for his members, and I have an account, but... how tf does patreon even work? I learned it was a thing like PayPal where you.. donate money to people? And for what? Why? Idk, but if that's the case I do not wanna have to pay for certain subscriptions or whatever on a site I'll never visit, only to become a specific member or whatever, just to see him again...
My main point of the journal? I do not want to join, and will not join, anymore worlds with streamers or even see myself in public spaces regardless. If this is how it's going to be for VR, I am not risking it only for me to feel this way again. I'm done... I waited a whole month for this, it happened, and I did nothing with my time. It... sucked. I hated it. And no I'm not putting any blame on Neo or others for making me feel this way. It's me expecting how I want something to go.. I was too afraid and I hate myself for that... I am never this socially awkward. It happened before with another streamer. I'm not doing this again.
Is this relatable at all? I sure hope so...
