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I want to apologize...
2 months ago
To everyone. Dearly. I know it's only been a day since my last journal, but that's why I'm here.
I've changed... you all have seen it. Multiple times a week, multiple times a month, way too often do I change my mind about things. Constantly. I feel good one minute and then the next I am either contemplating my life, questioning friendships, having an all-too-real fear for the future, having mental breakdowns, continuous exhaustion and depression, status changes on Discord, and whatever else among the hundreds of other shifting feelings I have had the past year. You've all seen it. I've pushed some friends away, made some probably feel like they aren't needed by me at a certain moment, or the like.
Many friends have expressed confusion and maybe frustration towards me and I don't blame them. Some feeling way too helpless because of not knowing what to say, or some experiencing trauma dumping and venting by me way too often to the point it makes them numb, or even some that want to keep their own distance because they know how I'll approach next time. (That last thing could be fake and/or an overexaggeration).
Truth is I still love you all. I think it's safe to say that now after the amount of years I've known you all and what we've done together. I don't want anything to change. And I certainly don't want anyone to leave me. No one had, but it is a possibility due to how I am as of late and who I became. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to feel everyone I know has to give their time for me on a daily, just so I can be somewhat better..
I'm just trying to understand what the hell I want to do anymore. I talk about death. I shouldn't. I'm just catastrophizing way too much. All of the stuff I said before? My online status? These journals? Please don't ever believe. It has always been my overly negative mind pouring in cataclysmic events that convince me will happen. Which are not true. But I also cannot stop any of you for changing how you want to truly feel about what's said. I can't change the way anyone feels about me, but I can do better with you and be a better person.
I just wish to not hurt anyone and make them feel worse about themselves, like they can't help me, just because I can't help myself.. please don't do that to yourself because of my high negativity I Project onto you... please. For the past year I have just been a very broken person at heart and don't want others to continuously feeling worse for or about me, only to hurt themselves in the process.
This is why I am making a change. I will do what I can to remain happy. If not for others, then for myself. As for my Uncle. If he acts like this again, I will either stand up and defend myself or listen to him and does what he says without question just to get on with it. As for my boredom and exhaustion. I humbly ask for people to play with me on VRC since I play it now and if it's a bad time, I will do some exercises for myself. I will talk my Grandpa about Probate one day (which has constantly remained on my mind). I will try to get myself on USAA one day and get health insurance for myself like my Mother wanted. I will make these changes in the future for myself, hoping to be a better person.
I have to feel like I am committing to something. And I have to force myself into that commitment to keep it going for myself. All too often does my neurodivergency take effect and I go against something right away. Whether good or bad, for me or others. Believe me, I WANT to do more with people again. What I had before? Was healthy. Plan certain days for gaming, plan certain days for calls, and even have fun small RP banter. I loved that. And I miss it... I just hate I feel so bad about everything to move on from it which.. is not the solution I should have at all. I don't know what solution there is, but keeping my distance from friends? Pushing you away? Never pestering about a day to play a game or call? That's not who I am or was and I am sorry that's who I became. I didn't want this. And I am confident now saying this in a journal after having it confirmed to me that most of my friends do read my journals. Just don't say anything. Ya'll are a bunch sneaky lurkers!! I'll get ya on Discord I swear >w>..
I am sorry to all that had to see this change on me... for months since last year. I am sorry to all that had to see me feel different about myself and my friendships. I am sorry for ever feeling the need to push you away... I just want to be happy. I love you all.
Thank you for reading. I hope I make you feel better about this journal now compared to yesterday's.
If you wish to talk about this in PM's on Discord please message me there. I can happily reason things out individually. You can be honest. If I'm hurt, then don't feel bad. Because it'll be my choice to feel hurt fron what's said.
I've changed... you all have seen it. Multiple times a week, multiple times a month, way too often do I change my mind about things. Constantly. I feel good one minute and then the next I am either contemplating my life, questioning friendships, having an all-too-real fear for the future, having mental breakdowns, continuous exhaustion and depression, status changes on Discord, and whatever else among the hundreds of other shifting feelings I have had the past year. You've all seen it. I've pushed some friends away, made some probably feel like they aren't needed by me at a certain moment, or the like.
Many friends have expressed confusion and maybe frustration towards me and I don't blame them. Some feeling way too helpless because of not knowing what to say, or some experiencing trauma dumping and venting by me way too often to the point it makes them numb, or even some that want to keep their own distance because they know how I'll approach next time. (That last thing could be fake and/or an overexaggeration).
Truth is I still love you all. I think it's safe to say that now after the amount of years I've known you all and what we've done together. I don't want anything to change. And I certainly don't want anyone to leave me. No one had, but it is a possibility due to how I am as of late and who I became. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to feel everyone I know has to give their time for me on a daily, just so I can be somewhat better..
I'm just trying to understand what the hell I want to do anymore. I talk about death. I shouldn't. I'm just catastrophizing way too much. All of the stuff I said before? My online status? These journals? Please don't ever believe. It has always been my overly negative mind pouring in cataclysmic events that convince me will happen. Which are not true. But I also cannot stop any of you for changing how you want to truly feel about what's said. I can't change the way anyone feels about me, but I can do better with you and be a better person.
I just wish to not hurt anyone and make them feel worse about themselves, like they can't help me, just because I can't help myself.. please don't do that to yourself because of my high negativity I Project onto you... please. For the past year I have just been a very broken person at heart and don't want others to continuously feeling worse for or about me, only to hurt themselves in the process.
This is why I am making a change. I will do what I can to remain happy. If not for others, then for myself. As for my Uncle. If he acts like this again, I will either stand up and defend myself or listen to him and does what he says without question just to get on with it. As for my boredom and exhaustion. I humbly ask for people to play with me on VRC since I play it now and if it's a bad time, I will do some exercises for myself. I will talk my Grandpa about Probate one day (which has constantly remained on my mind). I will try to get myself on USAA one day and get health insurance for myself like my Mother wanted. I will make these changes in the future for myself, hoping to be a better person.
I have to feel like I am committing to something. And I have to force myself into that commitment to keep it going for myself. All too often does my neurodivergency take effect and I go against something right away. Whether good or bad, for me or others. Believe me, I WANT to do more with people again. What I had before? Was healthy. Plan certain days for gaming, plan certain days for calls, and even have fun small RP banter. I loved that. And I miss it... I just hate I feel so bad about everything to move on from it which.. is not the solution I should have at all. I don't know what solution there is, but keeping my distance from friends? Pushing you away? Never pestering about a day to play a game or call? That's not who I am or was and I am sorry that's who I became. I didn't want this. And I am confident now saying this in a journal after having it confirmed to me that most of my friends do read my journals. Just don't say anything. Ya'll are a bunch sneaky lurkers!! I'll get ya on Discord I swear >w>..
I am sorry to all that had to see this change on me... for months since last year. I am sorry to all that had to see me feel different about myself and my friendships. I am sorry for ever feeling the need to push you away... I just want to be happy. I love you all.
Thank you for reading. I hope I make you feel better about this journal now compared to yesterday's.
If you wish to talk about this in PM's on Discord please message me there. I can happily reason things out individually. You can be honest. If I'm hurt, then don't feel bad. Because it'll be my choice to feel hurt fron what's said.
