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moment of weakness (crying)
a month ago
You know, I consider this site my main page, maybe I'll start a Twitter account and be more active there, but for now I'm not even ready to create an account lol. I'm a survivor. My whole life, something has been trying to kill me: circumstances, my own decisions, accidents, PEOPLE HAHA. But I like life, I want to create, make art, I love my three cats very much, and every time, even at death's door, I think that no one can take care of them better than me, I should stay here for at least another twenty years. But this fucking war took away a normal future from many people, and mine too, damn it. I've been afraid of this since childhood. And you know what else I've been afraid of since childhood... cancer. And now I have a suspicion of a cyst/cancer on one of my breasts. Fuck. And also because of my mother's experience... I was afraid of getting into debt. And now I'm 22 years old and my husband and I are in debt 3 million rubles. JUST FUCK BECAUSE WHEN WE DECIDED TO GO INTO BUSINESS, THE WAR BEGAN, and it was from our sales outlet that most people left the country altogether. I was working, I constantly saw someone with luggage, even regular customers. Then, because of all the stress, damn, we went crazy and couldn't work. I was dying... and my boyfriend was in a mental hospital lol. Then we tried to work. In the end, my boyfriend got fired, and it turns out I'm socially disabled. Now we survive on small savings, and it's driving me crazy. My mom agreed to help us by selling our apartment, buying a new one, but cheaper, and using the rest of the money to pay off our debts. Sounds cool? YES, BUT WHILE THIS IS HAPPENING... something is being resolved, etc. THE DEBTS ARE GROWING AND IT APPEARS THE REMAINING MONEY WON'T BE ENOUGH TO PAY OFF THEM. What about my sore chest? APPOINTMENTS WITH THE DOCTORS I NEED ARE LITERALLY IN A MONTH. You know, I'm having a crush on Little Misfortune and Fran Bow. We have similar styles, appearances, and even historically, we have some overlap. MY PSYCHOSIS TELLS ME - THESE GAMES ARE THE LORE OF YOUR LIFE. OF YOUR END. The end of my story... But. My schizo theory has caught a bit of a positive vibe. After all, these games are having a sequel, which means... there will be a continuation of my life too... I hope... even if it's difficult, there will be a good continuation. I hope that in a month. Somewhere around the end of October, at least some of these problems will disappear. I'll look at this text, feeling relieved that I'm no longer in such a mess. But while I'm here, I'm scared. I hope there will be a new magazine, where everything is good. Sorry.
It's just that everything points to me dying. Right here and now. But I love life so much. I adore nature, its smell. I love artists, musicians, I want to continue following them, to be in the moment with them. I want to do something for animals. Give them a home where they will be safe... I have so much more to do... I'm so scared that this will not happen.
It's just that everything points to me dying. Right here and now. But I love life so much. I adore nature, its smell. I love artists, musicians, I want to continue following them, to be in the moment with them. I want to do something for animals. Give them a home where they will be safe... I have so much more to do... I'm so scared that this will not happen.
If someone wishes to actually communicate something, they shouldn't make it difficult.
I'm using dark mode as well.
Also, my English may be poor and imprecise...but I always try to at least write the gist word for word. I hope I can do better, sorry.
I had a similar lump & asked around, no family history of cancer. I was still worried it was a tumor or something. I scheduled a doctor's appointment, and the day I arrived, I went to show them where the lump was & it was gone. The doctor's explained that sometimes hormones can cause lump or bumps to develop and sometimes they go away on their own as your hormone levels return to normal. Apparently sometimes stress can cause your hormones to go haywire and then lead to the development of such lumps... I'm no doctor, of course. But I had a very similar experience not long ago and I was so certain I was going to die of cancer... only for it to clear up and the doctor's were very understanding and kind about it. I hope you don't have cancer.
I've had many times in my life that I was certain my end was nearing, too. But it didn't come. I am still here, still alive, and I don't want to go. I have many reasons to live for.. but sometimes that looming feeling of doom returns & it sticks to things like health concerns, or financial struggles... then it passes. And I am still alive. This isn't to say the feeling isn't real, or that the underlying reasons aren't valid - I'm not attempting to downplay your feelings or the very real concerns you have. I just want to let you know that I relate, and that you are valid. And that I hope this feeling passes for you, too.
I'm also very sorry to hear about your debt and you & your fiances struggles in the wake of the war... That's terrible. Anyways, sorry I'm rambling aimlessly lol
I'm glad that you're still here dear. And that you're still surviving. I'm so sorry that you're going through all of things that you're going through. You're strong enough to survive through these hardships to this point. And I know that it must be very very hard to carry these burdens with you. I'm so sorry that you have to through a terrible war.
Being able to speak out about your problems. Means that you have the strength in your heart to continue living. I hope that you will make it through this dear. You deserve to be able to find happiness and joy. Don't let this world tear you down.
It's heartbreaking to see how many people struggle atm, financially, mentally, healthwise and otherwise >:
I like to think that you are strong enough to continue persevering and that life will eventually be good for you ;w;
On a side note, personally I'd advise against twitter, it's a shitshow over there and not a great place to be, especially when you struggle with mental health issues and anxiety. Deleting all my posts and abandoning that place was one of the best decisions of my life.