FA+
Shop
Deep Thoughts at 40!
a week ago
What's New? Prefacing... there is no need for Sorrys, I am still here... and I got through it!
Now that I’m 40, I look back at my life and feel happy with where I am. I’ve done things no one in my family had ever done- like going to college. My dad dropped out of school in 5th grade back in Mexico. My mom graduated high school, but I think she was gaslighted by my grandma into believing: “This is who we are, and this is how life will be.”
Still, there are times I’ve wondered if maybe I was a mistake. My dad cheated on my mom while she was pregnant with me, something I only learned during their divorce. I can’t help but wonder if he used her for citizenship. Naturally, they never told me the full truth- it was too personal, and maybe they didn’t want to hurt me.
My life has always felt like running. Never simple. Never fortunate. As I grew older, I learned that others had it far worse, but when you’re young and watching kids fly off to Disney World, riding in newer cars, while you’re stuck being “that other person,” it eats at you. You get jealous. You covet what others have. But you can’t blame people for being born into something you weren’t.
I never had siblings. Sometimes I wonder if I was supposed to- that maybe I was one side of the coin, waiting for the other. There was a time, but it never came to pass. That absence has always made me feel… different.
Because of that, I always pushed harder. I felt like every mistake I made was the end of the world, because chances at greatness were slim. Some people made friends easily; for me, it was always harder. Like something about me just put people off.
But you can’t cry about it forever. You have to focus on the now, and on what you can control.
When it came to college, I debated meteorology- I wanted to chase tornadoes- but IT was exploding. I chose IT. My parents panicked over the cost, but I had to risk it. Four years later, in 2007, I had my bachelor’s. In 2008, I quit Culver’s for my first real job- lucky to even work through the crash.
Along the way, I lost grandparents. And about 8–9 years ago, at my cousin’s wedding, she asked me: “Anti-Anti, is it true?” I didn’t know what she meant.
Turns out my dad was seeing another woman. I pieced it together when he’d come home at 4 p.m. from work, then disappear after a shower until 2 a.m. I confronted him, and he admitted it. Months later, my parents divorced. Then, three months after I moved out, my grandpa on my dad’s side died. Not long after, my dad told me I’d have a new sister- more than 30 years younger than me.
We don’t talk much. There’s no hate, though. My sister is doing well, and if she ever wants a relationship, I’ll be there.
Still, I keep running. I keep running. I keep running.
Because in the end, you can only control what you can control. Life is tough, but at a high level, sometimes it’s just a bad day. Others carry far worse burdens. And I’ve lived through so many heavy times- Ruby Ridge, Waco, Oklahoma City, Columbine, Y2K, 9/11, the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, the 2008 crash, the Mayan calendar scare in 2012, COVID-19. So many moments that made it feel like the world was ending.
But it didn’t.
Life is a marathon. You take it one day at a time.
When you reach my age and you start losing classmates- to car accidents, to diabetes, to alcohol- you realize those same people you thought had it better were just ordinary after all. And in hindsight, I can look at myself and say: “I did pretty good, didn’t I?”
Now that I’m 40, I look back at my life and feel happy with where I am. I’ve done things no one in my family had ever done- like going to college. My dad dropped out of school in 5th grade back in Mexico. My mom graduated high school, but I think she was gaslighted by my grandma into believing: “This is who we are, and this is how life will be.”
Still, there are times I’ve wondered if maybe I was a mistake. My dad cheated on my mom while she was pregnant with me, something I only learned during their divorce. I can’t help but wonder if he used her for citizenship. Naturally, they never told me the full truth- it was too personal, and maybe they didn’t want to hurt me.
My life has always felt like running. Never simple. Never fortunate. As I grew older, I learned that others had it far worse, but when you’re young and watching kids fly off to Disney World, riding in newer cars, while you’re stuck being “that other person,” it eats at you. You get jealous. You covet what others have. But you can’t blame people for being born into something you weren’t.
I never had siblings. Sometimes I wonder if I was supposed to- that maybe I was one side of the coin, waiting for the other. There was a time, but it never came to pass. That absence has always made me feel… different.
Because of that, I always pushed harder. I felt like every mistake I made was the end of the world, because chances at greatness were slim. Some people made friends easily; for me, it was always harder. Like something about me just put people off.
But you can’t cry about it forever. You have to focus on the now, and on what you can control.
When it came to college, I debated meteorology- I wanted to chase tornadoes- but IT was exploding. I chose IT. My parents panicked over the cost, but I had to risk it. Four years later, in 2007, I had my bachelor’s. In 2008, I quit Culver’s for my first real job- lucky to even work through the crash.
Along the way, I lost grandparents. And about 8–9 years ago, at my cousin’s wedding, she asked me: “Anti-Anti, is it true?” I didn’t know what she meant.
Turns out my dad was seeing another woman. I pieced it together when he’d come home at 4 p.m. from work, then disappear after a shower until 2 a.m. I confronted him, and he admitted it. Months later, my parents divorced. Then, three months after I moved out, my grandpa on my dad’s side died. Not long after, my dad told me I’d have a new sister- more than 30 years younger than me.
We don’t talk much. There’s no hate, though. My sister is doing well, and if she ever wants a relationship, I’ll be there.
Still, I keep running. I keep running. I keep running.
Because in the end, you can only control what you can control. Life is tough, but at a high level, sometimes it’s just a bad day. Others carry far worse burdens. And I’ve lived through so many heavy times- Ruby Ridge, Waco, Oklahoma City, Columbine, Y2K, 9/11, the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, the 2008 crash, the Mayan calendar scare in 2012, COVID-19. So many moments that made it feel like the world was ending.
But it didn’t.
Life is a marathon. You take it one day at a time.
When you reach my age and you start losing classmates- to car accidents, to diabetes, to alcohol- you realize those same people you thought had it better were just ordinary after all. And in hindsight, I can look at myself and say: “I did pretty good, didn’t I?”
That was quite nice to read. Thank you.