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tl;dr, idk how long i wanna keep doing this
a month ago
heya
I'm putting this out here because I just have too much on my mind to put in a twitter thread or anything like that. I've kept this bottled up for a long time now and I just need to get some things off my chest
I've been doing this art thing since my early teenage years, and back then, I had aspired for this to be the thing i do with my life. And as I became of age, I leaned heavily into the porn side of things. And I do not regret that, not one bit. I love furry porn, I love foot fetish stuff, I love all that shit, and I'm so fucking happy a good bit of y'all like what I've put out.
But I feel my passion for this craft waning. not for the *type* of art that I draw, but for art in general. Drawing has been incredibly fucking hard for me lately, and I'm gonna try to sort out why here in a way that hopefully isn't too hard to follow;
.
.
.
stagnation:
I feel I've hit a slump as far as evolving my technique goes. I don't feel I've learned much new lately, and I really want to make changes, particularly to my rendering technique. But no matter how much I study, I just can't figure out how to pull certain things off, and I have no idea where to look for advice... And on top of that, it's hard to put a finger on *what* I even want to learn. I know I really want to learn more lighting environments, mood lighting, dark atmospheres, proper sunlight, all that stuff. And cum to, oh my god I fucking suck at drawing cum. I also want to get comfortable skipping the lineart step, basically making the sketch into the lineart, but it's hard to do that without it looking like shit
.
.
.
identity crisis/impostor syndrome:
For basically the entire duration of my time as an artist online, I've struggled to really find an identity for myself. I look at my gallery over all these years, and I see the kind of artist I'm trying to be, who I've been inspired by, all that jazz. So many interests that I have appeal to so many different demographics of people, that it leads to situations in which pieces of art that I work hard on and feel really proud of don't get as much attention as the thing I'm known for now, which is foot stuff, and then the foot stuff alienates those who *aren't* into that so I can't really reach those people either, and it just makes it hard for me to step outside of what I normally do. I know i shouldn't let numbers dictate my decision-making, but I can't lie and say it isn't a little disheartening when something I'm proud of gets overlooked. And I'm positive I'm not the only one who feels this way.
And in addition to that, It feels harder than ever to come up with an idea that feels truly original to myself. There are only so many ways one can draw a character's feet while making sure you can see their face too 'n whatever, and I don't wanna look like I'm just ripping off someone, be it a direct peer, or someone who inspires me. So many ideas I have in my head are based on stuff I've seen someone else do, and even though it's never my intention to piggyback off of someone else's success, it feels like that's what I'm doing sometimes
.
.
.
mental health:
this one's fairly obvious, and I know for a fact I'm not alone in this. But my mental health has been in the shitter for like a fucking decade now, and has gotten way worse during the covid-19 pandemic of 2020. I've stayed pretty much holed up in my house for way longer than necessary. I didn't start doing leisure outings without a mask on until **THIS YEAR, 2025**, and the effects of that linger on me to this day. I still get nervous when I go out, and I don't really go out on my own accord, I only do it when I'm coerced into doing so. Not to mention this absolute nightmare of a political situation we Americans are facing right now. This is not normal, we are not supposed to me subjected to this, and it's a daily source of misery, anxiety, and hopelessness. I'm not gonna say we're never getting out of this buuuuttt... it gets harder to believe day after day. That's not everything that's been taking a toll on me, but the rest is stuff I feel is a bit too personal to delve into here, so I'm just gonna leave it at that
.
.
.
other things demotivating me creatively:
If you've made it this far, thanks for sticking with me. This will be my last point, and it kinda concerns 2 things; unfair self-treatment, and the ever-looming threat of my ability to exist as an artist online. For the first thing, I have been doing commission work for people over the years. I never advertised it or anything, it's all been word-of-mouth, and the vast majority of my customer base have been regulars who have bought many pieces from me (i love you guys btw, thank you for all of your support). that, combined with my complete inability to determine the value of my own art, has led me to underprice myself for my work. I know i haven't been treating myself fairly in that regard, I have taken deals that were very much unfavorable to me (which is 100% on me and not the client, I will never, ever blame the client for this). I try to justify this by bearing in mind that I don't work fast, and I kinda lack confidence in my ability, but this has gone on for so long for me that I fear I may have ruined any drive I had to be a career artist, to take commissions, do the patreon/substar thing, make packs, YCHs, all that cool shit, but I just don't see myself doing any of that anymore, and honestly, once I have a "normal" job, I don't know if I want to be in the commission business anymore. I just don't have enough self-worth for this line of work.
And now the other thing. all these threats of censorship, ID verification laws, social media algorithms screwing me simply because I like to draw dicks (my last pic bombed so much harder than I was expecting that it's what prompted me to make this journal in the first place), all this has been making me question whether it's even worth doing this anymore. Like I said above, I love this art, and I would love to keep doing it, but I am so fucking exhausted by this shit that I wonder if it would be better for me to just throw in the towel and not bother anymore. I know good and well that's not the attitude I should be having about this, but I'm just so tired man.
.
.
.
*deep breath*. I'm sorry about all of this, This is a lot. If you've read up to this point, you have already gone above and beyond for me, and I can't thank you enough.
this is not me giving up, not yet. this is simply me struggling to navigate such thoughts.
thanks.
-benjpiaws
I'm putting this out here because I just have too much on my mind to put in a twitter thread or anything like that. I've kept this bottled up for a long time now and I just need to get some things off my chest
I've been doing this art thing since my early teenage years, and back then, I had aspired for this to be the thing i do with my life. And as I became of age, I leaned heavily into the porn side of things. And I do not regret that, not one bit. I love furry porn, I love foot fetish stuff, I love all that shit, and I'm so fucking happy a good bit of y'all like what I've put out.
But I feel my passion for this craft waning. not for the *type* of art that I draw, but for art in general. Drawing has been incredibly fucking hard for me lately, and I'm gonna try to sort out why here in a way that hopefully isn't too hard to follow;
.
.
.
stagnation:
I feel I've hit a slump as far as evolving my technique goes. I don't feel I've learned much new lately, and I really want to make changes, particularly to my rendering technique. But no matter how much I study, I just can't figure out how to pull certain things off, and I have no idea where to look for advice... And on top of that, it's hard to put a finger on *what* I even want to learn. I know I really want to learn more lighting environments, mood lighting, dark atmospheres, proper sunlight, all that stuff. And cum to, oh my god I fucking suck at drawing cum. I also want to get comfortable skipping the lineart step, basically making the sketch into the lineart, but it's hard to do that without it looking like shit
.
.
.
identity crisis/impostor syndrome:
For basically the entire duration of my time as an artist online, I've struggled to really find an identity for myself. I look at my gallery over all these years, and I see the kind of artist I'm trying to be, who I've been inspired by, all that jazz. So many interests that I have appeal to so many different demographics of people, that it leads to situations in which pieces of art that I work hard on and feel really proud of don't get as much attention as the thing I'm known for now, which is foot stuff, and then the foot stuff alienates those who *aren't* into that so I can't really reach those people either, and it just makes it hard for me to step outside of what I normally do. I know i shouldn't let numbers dictate my decision-making, but I can't lie and say it isn't a little disheartening when something I'm proud of gets overlooked. And I'm positive I'm not the only one who feels this way.
And in addition to that, It feels harder than ever to come up with an idea that feels truly original to myself. There are only so many ways one can draw a character's feet while making sure you can see their face too 'n whatever, and I don't wanna look like I'm just ripping off someone, be it a direct peer, or someone who inspires me. So many ideas I have in my head are based on stuff I've seen someone else do, and even though it's never my intention to piggyback off of someone else's success, it feels like that's what I'm doing sometimes
.
.
.
mental health:
this one's fairly obvious, and I know for a fact I'm not alone in this. But my mental health has been in the shitter for like a fucking decade now, and has gotten way worse during the covid-19 pandemic of 2020. I've stayed pretty much holed up in my house for way longer than necessary. I didn't start doing leisure outings without a mask on until **THIS YEAR, 2025**, and the effects of that linger on me to this day. I still get nervous when I go out, and I don't really go out on my own accord, I only do it when I'm coerced into doing so. Not to mention this absolute nightmare of a political situation we Americans are facing right now. This is not normal, we are not supposed to me subjected to this, and it's a daily source of misery, anxiety, and hopelessness. I'm not gonna say we're never getting out of this buuuuttt... it gets harder to believe day after day. That's not everything that's been taking a toll on me, but the rest is stuff I feel is a bit too personal to delve into here, so I'm just gonna leave it at that
.
.
.
other things demotivating me creatively:
If you've made it this far, thanks for sticking with me. This will be my last point, and it kinda concerns 2 things; unfair self-treatment, and the ever-looming threat of my ability to exist as an artist online. For the first thing, I have been doing commission work for people over the years. I never advertised it or anything, it's all been word-of-mouth, and the vast majority of my customer base have been regulars who have bought many pieces from me (i love you guys btw, thank you for all of your support). that, combined with my complete inability to determine the value of my own art, has led me to underprice myself for my work. I know i haven't been treating myself fairly in that regard, I have taken deals that were very much unfavorable to me (which is 100% on me and not the client, I will never, ever blame the client for this). I try to justify this by bearing in mind that I don't work fast, and I kinda lack confidence in my ability, but this has gone on for so long for me that I fear I may have ruined any drive I had to be a career artist, to take commissions, do the patreon/substar thing, make packs, YCHs, all that cool shit, but I just don't see myself doing any of that anymore, and honestly, once I have a "normal" job, I don't know if I want to be in the commission business anymore. I just don't have enough self-worth for this line of work.
And now the other thing. all these threats of censorship, ID verification laws, social media algorithms screwing me simply because I like to draw dicks (my last pic bombed so much harder than I was expecting that it's what prompted me to make this journal in the first place), all this has been making me question whether it's even worth doing this anymore. Like I said above, I love this art, and I would love to keep doing it, but I am so fucking exhausted by this shit that I wonder if it would be better for me to just throw in the towel and not bother anymore. I know good and well that's not the attitude I should be having about this, but I'm just so tired man.
.
.
.
*deep breath*. I'm sorry about all of this, This is a lot. If you've read up to this point, you have already gone above and beyond for me, and I can't thank you enough.
this is not me giving up, not yet. this is simply me struggling to navigate such thoughts.
thanks.
-benjpiaws
I do think maybe if you want to try and attract an audience that isn’t into the Foot Fetish stuff maybe you should consider creating an alt for other kinds of art. Maybe expand your horizons beyond drawing and try your hand at writing? I don’t know if that would help your burnout or imposter syndrome but it might be worth a try.
You have all community here who loves what you are doing
Amd about your mental health, there are multiple ways to improve it. Some people do excercise at the gym, others go to church and there are who travel a lot, and there will be those who tell you to walk through forests and meadows. All of them work! Give them a try.
its best to not feel like you __have__ to put something out there of high quality for us to enjoy, your styling alone for toony characters is already good enough and you've only gotten better in my eyes (the foot stuff is a hot bonus :P)
even simple sketches (imo) may possible help keep your spark, but only if you feel desired to and and are okay with showing the rough stages of how you start doodling
with all that thats happening around the world, from algorithm hell on websites to the censorship of what you want to post and talk about, it's definitely not unimaginable wanting to just give in from those aspects
i wont comment or say anything regarding mental health because its all a personal hell we got with what our struggles are to how we cope. all i hope is for your ride to get as smooth as your ability to draw some nice soles and toes (sorry lol)
i do enjoy seeing you around, whether it be talking about vidya game, stuff going with you, or what you got doodling, its always good to see your name when i'm online
idk if my words make sense or mean anything, unfortunately i'm just some random watcher/follower in your eyes but hopefully my comments spark some mutual reassurance that some of us care about you - also its 4am here and i'm hella sleep deprived so my bad if im speaking nonsense lol
anyway that's all i can say, keep being you and keep rolling, especially out of spite towards anything that's thrown against you
and i will, i'm not going anywhere ^^