I wanted to write a short journal about why I’ve sorta disappeared again. Readers should know that I’m not writing this journal to garner attention or sympathy but more-so out of simply wanting to journal.

For longer than I’d like to admit, I’ve been battling the severe depression side of my numerous mental health problems. This causes me to have almost zero interest/motivation/joy in doing anything aside from waiting through days and hiding in my room. I’m still working and still taking my meds and seeing my therapist. The little, I do mean little bits of sunshine or light, or dare I say, happiness mostly occur from spending money on food or collectibles (which I really don’t need.) After the novelty has worn off, things sit there nearly forgotten. I have no desire to finish any art I’ve started and my drawing tablet, like much of my living space, is collecting dust. My place is like the back rooms of a museum.

Not everything is bad. After years of waiting to get into affordable Ketamine treatment and after around 2 months of jumping through hoops for the approval process, it’s finally happened. I’ve attended three treatments already, but so far, there’s been no progress in breaking out of the grasp of a very difficult-to-treat depressive disorder.
I’m remaining optimistic and grateful that I’m able to have this treatment and haven’t given up on eventually seeing it’s benefit.

I’m so fortunate to have the small friend group I have on here and everyone has been a great comfort to me. Thank you!

There’s so many things I want to do if and when I am able to break this depressive paralysis. I don’t expect to be fixed. I know I’ll have to still work on myself a lot in a long-term treatment plan. For the time being at least I take confidence that I’m exploring new options for being in better mental health.

❤️Bogie❤️