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I Stopped Dreaming Long Ago (Vent Journal)
2 months ago
General
Dear Furiends,
Hey all. Im sorry to do this, but Im at work right now trying hard not to cry. I just need to get my thoughts and feelings out.
This past weekend, I spent over $1K on car repairs. I was driving to work today and the Check Engine light came on for the exact reason I brought it in: Overheating Engine. Thermostat Not Working. Fact is, I dont have that kind of money so I am paying using a loan service that, if I dont pay in the first 90 days, I pay more than DOUBLE what the mechanics were asking.
Im also stuck at a job in which I am a Med Tech (basically a pill popper for 27 geriatric toddlers who require constant care and need. I am only one member of staff and usually I work alone since we are short staffed. One staff member was arrested for elder abuse, and 2 others quit pretty quickly.) Not to mention that I dont get paid a lot and my manager…well…suffice to say that Im trying to find a better job somewhere else and fast.
…I keep wanting to go back to school or get accreditation or something to boost my life and help my brother
Fortuneotter and I secure a happier life in the future. Most of my family other than him are either dead, not speaking to us, or live a great distance away. I feel trapped and alone and constantly scared out of my mind about how Im going to make everything work out in the end.
I stopped dreaming long ago. I spent and continue to spend so much of my life in survival mode that I stopped asking, “What do you want to do for your future?” Knowing who I am, this is the killing blow. Ive always been ambitious and strived for excellence. Now at 33, I have to encourage myself to get up in the morning and not give up yet. Because at least Fortune is still counting on me. I have no idea what to do, where to go, how to continue. Im drowning and it is getting harder and harder to continue on. Im scared. I feel isolated and alone and there are always more expenses, more questions, more demands…and I am struggling to juggle it all and not overwhelm the few people I can trust that I keep close to in my life. Im spiraling.
I need help.
This past weekend, I spent over $1K on car repairs. I was driving to work today and the Check Engine light came on for the exact reason I brought it in: Overheating Engine. Thermostat Not Working. Fact is, I dont have that kind of money so I am paying using a loan service that, if I dont pay in the first 90 days, I pay more than DOUBLE what the mechanics were asking.
Im also stuck at a job in which I am a Med Tech (basically a pill popper for 27 geriatric toddlers who require constant care and need. I am only one member of staff and usually I work alone since we are short staffed. One staff member was arrested for elder abuse, and 2 others quit pretty quickly.) Not to mention that I dont get paid a lot and my manager…well…suffice to say that Im trying to find a better job somewhere else and fast.
…I keep wanting to go back to school or get accreditation or something to boost my life and help my brother
Fortuneotter and I secure a happier life in the future. Most of my family other than him are either dead, not speaking to us, or live a great distance away. I feel trapped and alone and constantly scared out of my mind about how Im going to make everything work out in the end. I stopped dreaming long ago. I spent and continue to spend so much of my life in survival mode that I stopped asking, “What do you want to do for your future?” Knowing who I am, this is the killing blow. Ive always been ambitious and strived for excellence. Now at 33, I have to encourage myself to get up in the morning and not give up yet. Because at least Fortune is still counting on me. I have no idea what to do, where to go, how to continue. Im drowning and it is getting harder and harder to continue on. Im scared. I feel isolated and alone and there are always more expenses, more questions, more demands…and I am struggling to juggle it all and not overwhelm the few people I can trust that I keep close to in my life. Im spiraling.
I need help.
Keep thinking positive even if things are bringing you down, but have all the energy to hold on.
A good thing from my mom who said to me when I was so close to landing a job and I was so miserable being denied: "Find help any way you can. There are people with good hearts and will definitely help out. Never deny help."
Don't underestimate strength in numbers-you can do this.
🤞🍀