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An update and backstory (TW: Childhood Trauma)
2 weeks ago
Hello everyone.
Sorry for the radio silence. It's been pretty rough for me recently.
Following my mother's confirmed cancer diagnosis, my mental health went into the garbage. Like, my brain literally decided "Hmm, I think I will sit in a dumpster and light it on fire". I decided to give myself time to let the news sink in and deal with my emotions as they came. I feel like I've -mostly- come to terms with everything, even talking to Mom about my anxieties about everything. This also includes a ton of my resurging trauma from when she had cancer the first time.
You try explaining to an autistic child at the beginning of Kindergarten that you're very sick, have to go to a ton of dr's appointment, the medicine will make you even sicker for a bit AND expect them to understand and not freak out. So yeah, this is where I developed severe abandonment issues and was the catalyst for about 95% of my current mental health issues (Depression, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Ect). Not to mention that only my mother knew how to handle me, (Cause she treated me like a person and didn't treat me like some sort of embarrassment or plague) so when my grandmother and father tried to take over, I received the brunt of a lot of unnecessary punishments. I was screamed at, spanked, put in time out and constantly put down. Only because I wanted to be next to my mom. I was told I was just bothering her, that she needed her rest. Meanwhile both of those two actually comforted my siblings; J (Older Brother) and B (younger sister). I genuinely only ever really interacted with family outside of my mom if I was either being blamed for something my siblings did (cause that happened a lot too) or if I was being yelled at if I had what I now realize were Panic Attacks. Come to find out nearly 25 years later, I would have been FINE just quietly hanging out in Mom's room while she rested. Mom told me so herself. She didn't know that Nana (her mom) and Dad said those things to me.
There's more to it, but in order to be brief: I was emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically abused as a child by my father and maternal grandmother while my mother had cancer.
I couldn't remember much of that time of my life for over 20 years. I guess my brain blocked those memories to protect me. Mom's recent cancer diagnosis brought all of this back to the surface, and my brain is kind of on fire.
So yeah, I'm dealing with all of THAT fallout, on top of:
-Watching Mom deal with the Cancer (and taking her to all of her appts)
-Taking care of my cousin (now referred to as Adopted Sister or R) because she has her own mental health issues and trauma, making her day to day life a challenge without assistance
-Taking care of NINE (Yes 9) cats because shit got out of hand (Mom takes the fall on that one, she told me herself)
-Making sure the House and property we live in is taken care of, and we've fallen behind (Lawnmower is broken, 3 trees down in the back and not a big enough chainsaw to tackle them, weeds EVERYWHERE)
-The rising costs of living while having a limited and unstable income and no health insurance for myself
-The rise of American Fascism and the fear of being jailed or killed just for being who I am
-and the Lack of any kind of support from family, both immediate or extended in ALL of this (Siblings can't/won't help, R's Immediate AND Extended family barely even remembers she exists now that she moved up here, Mom's extended family hasn't talked to her in over 5 years, and seems full stop to have abandoned us.)
So please, please, please (plz) have patience with me. I'm not handling this the best right now. I also have a TON on my plate; trying to ease back into work, having the second business (Late Nite Makers, my craft group with Mom and R), Taking care of Mom and R (Both of them have been to the ER once in the past month), making sure everything is budgeted correctly so we can at least have power and *some* food, Keeping that cats fed and happy so they dont eat US, and at the very least, trying to keep myself from going down the Bad Thoughts Road ™
If you can help in ANY context: Emotionally (Sending good vibes, memes and pet pics), Physically (like hanging out if we live close enough), or Financially/Comms wise (Picking up comms & adopts, tipping, spreading the word via ads and bsky posts), PLEASE DO. I'll take pretty much any actual help I can get. Even finding me local resources (even if i may already know/use them) is also appreciated.
I make this journal to be as transparent as possible. I'm long past my days of not letting anyone know what's going on.
I'm not bottling it up anymore. This journal is an honest and desperate plea for help/assistance.
Do not hesitate to reach out to me if you can help tangibly or just wanna yap. I love talking about: Pokemon, World of Warcraft, Animals (Pets and their little lives), Cooking and Food, and Analog Horror.
Thank you for reading all of this if you're still here at this point. I'll figure out a way through this messy part of my life. I've made it this far, I'm not backing down.
-Norm
Sorry for the radio silence. It's been pretty rough for me recently.
Following my mother's confirmed cancer diagnosis, my mental health went into the garbage. Like, my brain literally decided "Hmm, I think I will sit in a dumpster and light it on fire". I decided to give myself time to let the news sink in and deal with my emotions as they came. I feel like I've -mostly- come to terms with everything, even talking to Mom about my anxieties about everything. This also includes a ton of my resurging trauma from when she had cancer the first time.
You try explaining to an autistic child at the beginning of Kindergarten that you're very sick, have to go to a ton of dr's appointment, the medicine will make you even sicker for a bit AND expect them to understand and not freak out. So yeah, this is where I developed severe abandonment issues and was the catalyst for about 95% of my current mental health issues (Depression, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Ect). Not to mention that only my mother knew how to handle me, (Cause she treated me like a person and didn't treat me like some sort of embarrassment or plague) so when my grandmother and father tried to take over, I received the brunt of a lot of unnecessary punishments. I was screamed at, spanked, put in time out and constantly put down. Only because I wanted to be next to my mom. I was told I was just bothering her, that she needed her rest. Meanwhile both of those two actually comforted my siblings; J (Older Brother) and B (younger sister). I genuinely only ever really interacted with family outside of my mom if I was either being blamed for something my siblings did (cause that happened a lot too) or if I was being yelled at if I had what I now realize were Panic Attacks. Come to find out nearly 25 years later, I would have been FINE just quietly hanging out in Mom's room while she rested. Mom told me so herself. She didn't know that Nana (her mom) and Dad said those things to me.
There's more to it, but in order to be brief: I was emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically abused as a child by my father and maternal grandmother while my mother had cancer.
I couldn't remember much of that time of my life for over 20 years. I guess my brain blocked those memories to protect me. Mom's recent cancer diagnosis brought all of this back to the surface, and my brain is kind of on fire.
So yeah, I'm dealing with all of THAT fallout, on top of:
-Watching Mom deal with the Cancer (and taking her to all of her appts)
-Taking care of my cousin (now referred to as Adopted Sister or R) because she has her own mental health issues and trauma, making her day to day life a challenge without assistance
-Taking care of NINE (Yes 9) cats because shit got out of hand (Mom takes the fall on that one, she told me herself)
-Making sure the House and property we live in is taken care of, and we've fallen behind (Lawnmower is broken, 3 trees down in the back and not a big enough chainsaw to tackle them, weeds EVERYWHERE)
-The rising costs of living while having a limited and unstable income and no health insurance for myself
-The rise of American Fascism and the fear of being jailed or killed just for being who I am
-and the Lack of any kind of support from family, both immediate or extended in ALL of this (Siblings can't/won't help, R's Immediate AND Extended family barely even remembers she exists now that she moved up here, Mom's extended family hasn't talked to her in over 5 years, and seems full stop to have abandoned us.)
So please, please, please (plz) have patience with me. I'm not handling this the best right now. I also have a TON on my plate; trying to ease back into work, having the second business (Late Nite Makers, my craft group with Mom and R), Taking care of Mom and R (Both of them have been to the ER once in the past month), making sure everything is budgeted correctly so we can at least have power and *some* food, Keeping that cats fed and happy so they dont eat US, and at the very least, trying to keep myself from going down the Bad Thoughts Road ™
If you can help in ANY context: Emotionally (Sending good vibes, memes and pet pics), Physically (like hanging out if we live close enough), or Financially/Comms wise (Picking up comms & adopts, tipping, spreading the word via ads and bsky posts), PLEASE DO. I'll take pretty much any actual help I can get. Even finding me local resources (even if i may already know/use them) is also appreciated.
I make this journal to be as transparent as possible. I'm long past my days of not letting anyone know what's going on.
I'm not bottling it up anymore. This journal is an honest and desperate plea for help/assistance.
Do not hesitate to reach out to me if you can help tangibly or just wanna yap. I love talking about: Pokemon, World of Warcraft, Animals (Pets and their little lives), Cooking and Food, and Analog Horror.
Thank you for reading all of this if you're still here at this point. I'll figure out a way through this messy part of my life. I've made it this far, I'm not backing down.
-Norm
SHOUTOUT TO MY PATRONS
