the one thing about depression is that it never goes away. you will have setbacks, and you will have relapses. the first step to getting help and admitting to yourself that you need it. no mistake can ever be undone. it just means you have to put work into maintaining that it doesnt slip up frequently.

i truly think you need to check into affordable therapy to have a professional to speak with about your mental health.

no one would want you to disappear, that is your brain lying to you

Don't be sorry, it's things that happen, there's ups and downs, and it doesn't mean you can't "make it", you just tripped, you can still get up.
I recommend talking to a mental health specialist, but until then, i'm willing to hear/read you, you have a shoulder to vent to if needed

Thanks. Right now I just want to stop thinking about it.

*offers hugs* Why not try again on BlueSky with a new account?

I started one up hours after my brain calmed down. It just feels like an alter to my stupidity right now. It also sucks having to refollow old mutuals they don't follow you back anymore. I mean. I messed up, so I don't blame them, and understand not wanting anything to do with me anymore, but it still stings.

I'll find and follow and when you're feeling like it, please feel free to chat However, keep in mind that if added isolation is boosting your depression, it might be better to chat with people sooner rather than later, even if you're feeling a bit vulnerable doing so.

Depression is a disease. It doesn’t define who you are, it’s a setback that puts obstacles in your path. These obstacles are not insurmountable. What has been built in the past while you had depression can be built again with it today.

What you are doing now by reaching out to people with a journal like this is one step toward rebuilding. It’s work, and it’s frustrating, but it’s not all gone. You are still here, the people you’ve talked to are still here, it’s just the platform you used to connect was deleted. The only thing slowing you down you from reconnecting is the depression, but even that isn’t stopping you, and it won’t stop you.

Not knowing what to do is fine, it’s normal. In truth, very rarely does anyone have all the answers. But when you have depression and you also don’t know where to turn, it can compound into a feedback loop that seems like failure, but it isn’t. It’s all temporary setbacks, and you’re talking to people right now to improve the situation.

I do agree with some of the other comments that therapy could be useful. At the lowest point in my life, I benefitted from therapy to help teach me various skills and outlooks that helped me not only climb out of a dark place, but learn how not to fall into it again. I learned how to ask for help, learned when to ask, who to ask, etc. You sound like you could benefit from clear guidance, and this might be useful for you. It’s possible they might recommend medication that would help curb or eliminate depressive thoughts as well. No one online would be able to diagnose you with an appropriate action plan, so it’s best to look into options locally.

Also, I haven’t actually ever talked to you outside of FA comments over the many years, but if you ever want or need to talk to someone, let me know. You can send me a note, I use telegram and discord to chat with people.

I know depression is messing with me. It's just messing with me hard right now, and the added isolation just kinda reinforces that. I wouldn't mind chatting at some point, but I would want it to be under less vulnerable circumstances. Less 'me needing rescuing' and more 'shooting the breeze'. I'm on Telegram and Discord, too