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One year anniversary of almost dying
2 days ago
The trauma of what I went through last year is so raw and visceral that I am experiencing extreme disassociation it's hard to physically move.
I couldn't move. I was dying. I was going to die. I was destined to a life of misery and neglect and abuse and it culminated in my back imploding. A lifetime of 'support' showing how supportive people were when I almost died.
The pain was so horrible people just don't seem to understand. They like to compare their own back problems or surgeries to mine as if they're the same. My cortisol levels were so high they weren't sure how I was still alive. They weren't sure how I hadn't already died from a heart attack. I think people just don't understand or aren't even willing to comprehend how fucking horrible my situation was and how long it was like that. How long I was in such extreme pain.
I didn't have to relearn how to walk because I had back surgery. I had to relearn how to walk because I almost became a paraplegic because my spine has been trying to cut itself in half for my entire life.
How, you might ask, did I continue to think living in that pain was okay. I'll give you a quick history lesson on emotional suppression!
I've had family tell me 'I didn't have it as bad as they did growing up' as an excuse to dismiss my pain and trauma. I've had family tell me 'you don't know pain until you experience sciatica' (I was experiencing it constantly 24/7 for my entire life). I've had family make me believe my weight was the reason for my body pain (I've had family tell me guys wouldn't want to marry me when I was a teenager because I was too fat). And I've had people in my life now claim they saw 'signs' and confirm they knew about the incest for years as if that excuses them for denying me every time I reached out. And I have family acting like speaking about my experiences now is somehow an offense to them even if I'm not talking about them directly. I've tried talking to my family multiple times about these issues and problems and I truly felt like I got nothing but dismissal over the last two decades when I first came to my family about my cousin forcing himself onto me when we were teenagers. About how he pinned me to the bed and groped my breasts and stuck his tongue down my throat. I've later talked about how this wasn't the first time as I remember things far worse as early as 6. I've talked about those earlier experiences to family before the Anaheim house was sold and every time they dismiss my experiences entirely.
This is how I was conditioned to believe as a child that the abuse I experienced as an adult was normal and that my pain wasn't that severe. Because if I can't get help to work through incest from family how can I trust them to help me when I experience worse things in my adult life.
They say it's terrifying when an empath snaps because they stopped caring about protecting the people that hurt them, regardless of how much they love those people, because they finally started loving themselves first.
https://youtube.com/shorts/_Rl37WlM.....I7X0ZhihD-g6xp
This picture and speedpaint I created is still the most accurate depiction of what this pain felt like and continues to feel like and the poem 'boots' in the background is to give an insight on the mental anguish living through repeated pain does to a psyche.
I'm always going to be at risk of becoming a paraplegic. The surgery didn't fix the issue it just put a band-aid on it because my situation is too severe.
---
In regards to the discussions of abuse I suffered as a child this photo I posted 14 years ago
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/7313550/
That's the very bathroom I used to get locked in for hours by the stranger my mom moved into our home. Not only did she witness this, but other family did as well, and the only person who ever spoke out against it was
during a visit when we started dating.
edit: The stranger did eventually apologize after he and my mom had a child. "this business worked out. I want another kid. If you don't want one, lets get a divorce" As they both described deciding to try being a real couple. When my sister was about 4 he adopted me and if my family isn't involved I have a relatively fine relationship with him and call him dad now.
I couldn't move. I was dying. I was going to die. I was destined to a life of misery and neglect and abuse and it culminated in my back imploding. A lifetime of 'support' showing how supportive people were when I almost died.
The pain was so horrible people just don't seem to understand. They like to compare their own back problems or surgeries to mine as if they're the same. My cortisol levels were so high they weren't sure how I was still alive. They weren't sure how I hadn't already died from a heart attack. I think people just don't understand or aren't even willing to comprehend how fucking horrible my situation was and how long it was like that. How long I was in such extreme pain.
I didn't have to relearn how to walk because I had back surgery. I had to relearn how to walk because I almost became a paraplegic because my spine has been trying to cut itself in half for my entire life.
How, you might ask, did I continue to think living in that pain was okay. I'll give you a quick history lesson on emotional suppression!
I've had family tell me 'I didn't have it as bad as they did growing up' as an excuse to dismiss my pain and trauma. I've had family tell me 'you don't know pain until you experience sciatica' (I was experiencing it constantly 24/7 for my entire life). I've had family make me believe my weight was the reason for my body pain (I've had family tell me guys wouldn't want to marry me when I was a teenager because I was too fat). And I've had people in my life now claim they saw 'signs' and confirm they knew about the incest for years as if that excuses them for denying me every time I reached out. And I have family acting like speaking about my experiences now is somehow an offense to them even if I'm not talking about them directly. I've tried talking to my family multiple times about these issues and problems and I truly felt like I got nothing but dismissal over the last two decades when I first came to my family about my cousin forcing himself onto me when we were teenagers. About how he pinned me to the bed and groped my breasts and stuck his tongue down my throat. I've later talked about how this wasn't the first time as I remember things far worse as early as 6. I've talked about those earlier experiences to family before the Anaheim house was sold and every time they dismiss my experiences entirely.
This is how I was conditioned to believe as a child that the abuse I experienced as an adult was normal and that my pain wasn't that severe. Because if I can't get help to work through incest from family how can I trust them to help me when I experience worse things in my adult life.
They say it's terrifying when an empath snaps because they stopped caring about protecting the people that hurt them, regardless of how much they love those people, because they finally started loving themselves first.
https://youtube.com/shorts/_Rl37WlM.....I7X0ZhihD-g6xp
This picture and speedpaint I created is still the most accurate depiction of what this pain felt like and continues to feel like and the poem 'boots' in the background is to give an insight on the mental anguish living through repeated pain does to a psyche.
I'm always going to be at risk of becoming a paraplegic. The surgery didn't fix the issue it just put a band-aid on it because my situation is too severe.
---
In regards to the discussions of abuse I suffered as a child this photo I posted 14 years ago
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/7313550/
That's the very bathroom I used to get locked in for hours by the stranger my mom moved into our home. Not only did she witness this, but other family did as well, and the only person who ever spoke out against it was
during a visit when we started dating.edit: The stranger did eventually apologize after he and my mom had a child. "this business worked out. I want another kid. If you don't want one, lets get a divorce" As they both described deciding to try being a real couple. When my sister was about 4 he adopted me and if my family isn't involved I have a relatively fine relationship with him and call him dad now.
You're doing great
I'm sorry to hear you're still at risk for paraplegia.