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dae larp as an artist
a week ago
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https://inv.nadeko.net/watch?v=43bBxl6PDUk
if this is too cringe i'll delete it. been thinking about the uselessness of persistence in art. thinking about how i lie and say i'm an artist. thinking about how i've never made the kind of work that has a the capacity to matter.
also thinking about this one guy who made a song i like which i only found because it was in his friend's batshit GoAnimate video. thinking about how i've loved all whopping 4 of the songs he's publicly released. thinking about how he has 31 listeners in a month on Spotify (and if he has none, i am dead). thinking about how frustrated i was when i struggled to find more of his work because the song is just so beautiful i had to have more.
thinking about that visual novel from 2012 or something that no one remembers but that i drew fanart for. thinking about how hard i tried to make it the best i'd ever made (which i'd argue it was at the time). thinking about how i've always held onto the message i got from one of the devs expressing how happy it made him.
thinking about the kind messages i've gotten here, and how sometimes other kids in school would openly emulate my art style, and how that lady in the ward got through her phone call because of "your funny pictures," and how that guy in the ward picked up a pencil for the 1st time in 15 years because i doodled while we were talking about horror movies.
currently thinking of art and love and how they are the same thing. its all too easy and very painful to believe my art, especially at its most derivative and superficial, is pointless. easy to hate oneself for even harmless self indulgences i guess. but i can't indulge myself entirely in self loathing here; there's evidence i might just be wrong.
have to keep trying. HAVE to keep trying. art is worth it forever. maybe people are too, idk lol
if this is too cringe i'll delete it. been thinking about the uselessness of persistence in art. thinking about how i lie and say i'm an artist. thinking about how i've never made the kind of work that has a the capacity to matter.
also thinking about this one guy who made a song i like which i only found because it was in his friend's batshit GoAnimate video. thinking about how i've loved all whopping 4 of the songs he's publicly released. thinking about how he has 31 listeners in a month on Spotify (and if he has none, i am dead). thinking about how frustrated i was when i struggled to find more of his work because the song is just so beautiful i had to have more.
thinking about that visual novel from 2012 or something that no one remembers but that i drew fanart for. thinking about how hard i tried to make it the best i'd ever made (which i'd argue it was at the time). thinking about how i've always held onto the message i got from one of the devs expressing how happy it made him.
thinking about the kind messages i've gotten here, and how sometimes other kids in school would openly emulate my art style, and how that lady in the ward got through her phone call because of "your funny pictures," and how that guy in the ward picked up a pencil for the 1st time in 15 years because i doodled while we were talking about horror movies.
currently thinking of art and love and how they are the same thing. its all too easy and very painful to believe my art, especially at its most derivative and superficial, is pointless. easy to hate oneself for even harmless self indulgences i guess. but i can't indulge myself entirely in self loathing here; there's evidence i might just be wrong.
have to keep trying. HAVE to keep trying. art is worth it forever. maybe people are too, idk lol
I've been getting really looped into those kinds of videos lately to stay kind of grounded and focused and out of any rough trains of thought. Feels somehow both incredibly hard and incredibly important to create right now in particular.
When I was in art school, I was asked who my favorite artists were. I didn't know aaany of the classical artists we were expected to know so I picked my top five FA artists. You were on that list! Out of what I had on there, an expression sheet for Die Mad was the one my character design teacher pointed to and went "This is REALLY good." Nowadays I have a lot more influences in my very elaborate red-string-conspiracy-board-looking art parent family tree, but you've got a firm spot on there and have since about 2018. :]
Right there with you - keep reminding yourself of those moments that make it feel worth it. I have a folder of screenshots and written down moments too, where it felt like something I made had an impact. Brains are stupid.
I’m terrified of uploading my art anywhere for sake of plagiarism and, nowadays, AI theft. But sometimes I think maybe I should suck it up and start, because maybe I can still reach people the way I had been once, even if I never even know I did so at all.
ANYWAY. Yes. Art is worth it. I think. It helps to reminisce like this on the tiny, truly personal impacts it can have on individual people and how much that matters.