I don't know how to deal with anxiety but I do know that the text you've made is fine and you aren't making a fool out of youself :D
I hope you can gain some confidence

I just wanted to say thank you so, so much for the reassurance. It really means a lot. <3

I am glad.

I have similar mental conniptions due to previous online toxicity myself. Those environments are intense crab buckets and regularly make examples out of their own members, as you almost assuredly know, and it can do shit like this.

My one piece of advice is the same as I use for creating art: try to not create / exist for a potential perceived audience that wants to take everything you do in bad faith. Create / exist for the audience and people you want to cultivate and care for.

It's WAY easier said than done, but while people's perceptions are unfortunately very able to affect our lives negatively (and positively!) we do not have full control over them. We can always just try our best and that is all anyone can ever ask of us. You can't actually control if a random kiwifarmer, for example, decides to spotlight you for whatever reason (though you can mitigate this risk). But you CAN control whether you live for your friends and loved ones and yourself or not. Focus on what you can control.

Again, much easier said than done. Anxiety is a torturous thing and I hope this helps at least a little bit.

One of the reasons I didn't respond to this one right away is because it gave me many good things to think about. I wanted to let some of it sink in before talking about it because, wow, this has been incredibly helpful.

I know that, realistically, the answer is "don't care what other people think," but framing it in that way wasn't helpful in processing that information.
But to not create for a specific audience? I already do that with my art, so I should be able to do that with my communication as well. The amount of freedom I've felt since coming to realize this has been almost life changing.

Honestly, I've been considering combining my alt account into this one for some time now. I initially made it to separate the "yucky" things out of fear of losing my audience or "alienating potential customers." The social media attention economy mixed with chasing capitalistic success in art has truly poisoned my brain- prioritizing metrics over improvement or personal happiness. (And I'd argue that I don't even have the metrics to show for it lmao)

Offline, I'm the happiest I've ever been in life. I'm in a safe and loving environment that's lead to me unmasking for the first time ever, but there's some growing pains that comes along with it. I suppose unmasking online will come with similar growing pains.

Thank you again for your insights. I hope I didn't prattle on too long, but I'm still working this all out. I appreciate you so much.

I don't feel you prattled on too much at all. I'm glad I could help at all!

What you wrote was worded so well, and I really admire how brave you were to share it. I feel the same way a lot of the time. I’m always editing everything I post because I’m scared of sounding like a fool too, desperate or like I’m seeking attention, the fear of coming across the wrong way and my self‑worth goes up and down a lot as well. I also deal with anxiety around posting.

When things get anxiously overwhelming for me, I usually step back from being online and focus on grounding myself until I feel okay again. 👍✨️

Gosh, this really means a lot. (NGL, I was sobbing through an anxiety attack by the time I committed to pressing the post button lol )

Writing this out and admitting that I had a problem was extremely cathartic. Hearing from other people having similar experiences is also reassuring (though I wish that others also weren't going through this, of course.) I hope that we can both work towards feeling more comfortable when we communicate online! Thanks so much for sharing, I know it's not easy.

It's definitely a weird spot to be in... I think there's always gonna be people that want to twist everything into the least charitable interpretation (or just willfully misinterpret your posts in bad faith (or just decide to be dicks in general)), and those people should usually just be blocked. Heh, one of the 'good' parts about how enshittified most of social media has gotten is that it's really easy to just go 'This person is just trying to use this interaction to advertise their BS to my audience, screw them!' and block them and delete their message.

I know what you mean about feeling like a bother, though... My thought there is to try to flip the script and consider how you feel when other people repost and hashtag their work. Hashtags are a good way to find new things that you might be interested in (when used correctly) and reposts (especially on more active feeds like bluesky) can be made into something fun when you're adding some commentary to the original piece. Heh, the way I see it, most phones and photo apps do those memories things that show me pictures from weeks/months/years ago and I find those to be fun reminders of cool things I've saved or seen most of the time! Getting to see some of the same art again every now and then is fun, too!

I dunno if any of this is useful or helpful, but figured I'd share my thoughts. I like seeing your posts in my submissions/journals, or when you post things on bluesky, and I like reading your messages when you do have the energy to write to me (But I also know that sometimes responding to messages takes a lot more energy than it feels like it has any right to, so absolutely no pressure!).

Sending you internet hugs and best-wishes! It takes courage and strength to be open about your struggles and I think the world would be a better place if everyone wasn't so busy airbrushing their lives to try to look perfect to strangers on the internet. Helps remind us all that we can (and should) support each other when we have the energy and get the opportunities, be it a word of encouragement or just some time for emotional connections!

Thank you so much for your insights, Asalvus!

I think you hit the nail on the head when describing folks that are bent on arguing with you in bad faith in some way. I can handle random folks being hateful towards me for little or no reason (and often find it hilarious) but being purposefully misunderstood does get under my skin. ^^;;

As for flipping the script, I do try to do that, but my mind REALLY loves "rules for me, but not for thee" lmao. All I can do in those situations is repeat it in my head until it's true. :P
Thinking about it as what those photo apps do is quite helpful. Thank you!

I really do appreciate you writing this and sharing your thoughts. Every time I hear from you is a delight that makes my day better. Thanks for always being there!

Yuuuup, true that... I don't like being misrepresented or misinterpreted, even when I know it's being done in bad faith...

Heh, and you don't understand! I, the main character, must be held to different standards than others! Higher standards!

Making a note to circle back to this journal for more tips. We have some of the same struggles.

At the end of the day, finding people to be comfortable around may be crucial to opening up a bit more (which should reduce the safety compulsion to keep checking your post for vulnerabilities.

It's always nice knowing that you're not alone in a struggle, but I do hate to see that you're struggling with it too.

Thanks so much for sharing that insight! I'll try to cultivate a community where I can shamelessly be myself without worry. <3

There's a terribly snarky part of me that goes "But it was toxic under the guise of ~☆positivity☆~ with the odd dash of teenage edge" because there were a few members that were...something.

I can't offer a ton of help.

I do want to say, while the site left it's own marks (a few of my friends there encouraged me to apply for a mod position, but I was like "Nope, nope, I can't even properly let you know how much that isn't going to happen!"), and I've seen it happen with tight knit small communities full of largely young folk, the problem is people are simply young, and feed off each other ( while we weren't the oldest members we were among the older ones).

It creates a nasty environment as there's no one with "true" authority or life/lived experience to fix it.

That a lot of it was the product of a combination of anominity and youth, which can be a nasty combo. Here, the community is comprised of an older base that are quicker to guide newcomers when things go a bit catawampus.

I know that won't help much, but may be something to remember, that the site was a nasty experience and not the norm. As we've gotten older, and we learn from it, we can recognize the signs earlier.

Something I was once told me, that actually helped me a lot. It says more about those who say those nasty things, then it does about you.

Or as the idiom goes "When you point the finger, remember, three more point back at you."

The fact they felt the need to scrutinize so deeply speaks more of them than it does of you, or your actions at the time. There's a difference between pointing out a gaffe, and nitpicking, after all.

I'm sorry I can't offer more than these, but, I know that feel, late 2000's-early 2010's were an...interesting time on forums and small petsites.

HAHA! The snarky part is *totally* warranted here!

I genuinely tried to temper a lot of it, but there was pushback due to precedents set long before I got there. "You can't ban someone for having an opinion" and "You can't ban someone for bullying if it's done off-site."
I'm not banning them for their opinion, I'm banning them for being assholes lmao
The seeds of toxicity were there long before I stepped in and I let it stay due to inexperience, peer pressure, and not wanting to shake the status quo. I want to apologize for my part in letting it go on even when I knew it was wrong.

That said, your instinct to not take the mod position was a survival instinct that I DID NOT HAVE at that time lmao. But it did serve as training wheels for later in life when my department needed an assistant manager and someone suggested I put in for it lol

I think you're definitely on to something when it comes to unregulated communities of young people. It brings to mind the days of when people unironically called themselves "SJWs," the pro/anti ship wars, and puriteen cultures. All of these got their start from a place of true concern, but swiftly shifted to bullying/ostracizing people that don't fall inside the narrow definition of whatever belief system. (Since we talked politics recently, I feel comfortable making the joke that it's all annoying leftist in-fighting lmao)

"It says more about those who say those nasty things, then it does about you."
Honestly, this means a lot. Thank you. Reading this, I realized that I'm still on pretty good terms with A LOT quite a few members of the community, even if they aren't with each other. The worst anyone's ever said to my face since then was that I "was always full of myself" lol
(Also, I can't say I've heard that idiom before. It's a good one!)

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this out. The insights were incredibly helpful to me and I'm glad that you shared them with me.